This is all about my hate for CBS. Mostly, all the stuff on TV now is cheap trash, and disgusting. So, unless you want to watch PBS 24\7, you either live with it, or do something about it. I was convinced of this when there was a bed scene on Fox Family Channel, the channel that blocks out the word damn.
When CBS canceled Early Edition, good TV as we know it, was flushed down the porcelain throne. You have your occasional good show, but alas, they all get canceled quicker than the trash. Thank the syndication gods Early Edition is on Fox Family twice a day, or else I'd go crazy! So this is my rebellion against CBS.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gary Hobson, CBS and Sony TriStar do, though IMHO, Gary really belongs to Bernie and Lois.
Rating: PG. Don't ask why, as I don't know.
Sorry to any Britney Spears or Hanson fans.
Enjoy this bit of insane fiction, though don't be so sure it's really fiction.....
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The Cat's Meow
by Ally McKnight
[A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far way. Whoops, scratch that. Ahem. About an hour ago, in the AUTHOR'S kitchen, the AUTHOR sat, eating oatmeal, and flipping through a magazine, and thinking deep thoughts. Let's take a peek in AUTHOR'S mind.]
Author's thoughts [AT]- Hmmm, I wonder if the guy on the oatmeal box is real. He could use a nose job, maybe, a face lift... hmmm.
[Glances in magazine to see picture of Britney Spears, in guess what? A barely-there dress.]
AT: Somebody better tell that girl we can see her underwear. Hmmmmmm, does Kyle Chandler's butt look better in jeans, or khakis? WoW, it must be a crime to look that good in a turtleneck.
[Glances at pic of KC]
AT: Must... control.... hormones.... no use.... can't resist.
[Begins to kiss picture]
AT: Ah, refreshing! The real thing is preferred though.
[Sees CBS, "Survivor" ad, and barfs in annoying brother's oatmeal.]
AT: How lame. That show should be voted off the air. Somebody should do something about it.
[Lightbulb goes off over head. AUTHOR dashes into broom
closet, and reappears with an orange kitty
AT: [licks paws] I wonder if Meow Mix really is the best stuff.
[Takes to the air, while reading magazine. Lands at a CBS convention, where a man is babbling about how great CBS is. AUTHOR lands in back.
AT: Now how did it go on those commercials? Oh, yeah.
[Begins to tear out "Survivor" ad slowly. The man on stage begins to stumble.]
AT: Bwa, ha, ha, ha. Power is mine.
[Rips a bit more. Man starts dancing wildly, and singins Hanson.]
"Ah, the horror," the crowd screams, and runs away. CBS files for bankruptcy.
[AUTHOR finally gets ad out. Wipes sweat.]
AT: They don't make paper like they used to.
[Looks around and notices what's been done]
AT: Whoooo! I kick butt. I must use this power only to annoy. Now I must go find my scratching post.
[Flys home, leaving the CBS man still singing Hanson. He ends us getting dissed on "Say What Kareokee. AUTHOR goes home.]
AT: Ah, home sweet home.
[AUTHOR'S annoying brothers come in.]
"You're a dork," one says.
"You're stupid," the other says. The dorks give eachother high-fives, and leave to go beat eachother up.
[AUTHOR, still in kitty costume, flys up to annoying brother's room and leaves some "kitty treats" on their bed, thanks to the neighbor's litter box.]
AT: Ha, ha, ha. Evil will prevail over all!! Meow!
[Changes costume, though still has the urge for some tuna.]
One week later....
[AUTHOR sits reading magazine. An article attracts her attention.]
AT: CBS files for bankrupcy. New TV station owned by EELS. Hey, Early Edition Lovers, that's me! Station called EEADED, or "Early Edition, All Day, Every Day." All new episodes. Cool. Oh, a behind-the scenes look at the fourth rejected member of Hanson. Now, why doesn't that surprise me?
[Annoying brothers enter.]
"You're ugly," one says.
"You smell," the other says.
AUTHOR finally speaks. "I wouldn't say that because I have [drum roll] the remote!"
[Lightning flashes. Someone burps.]
"Noooooo," annoying brothers scream.
"Yes, and according to the TV guide, on EEADED, a new episode os EE is on."
[Grabs some waffles, and flicks on the TV. Annoying brothers go try to figure out what WWF stands for. Commercial break, and more of AUTHOR'S deep thoughts.]
AT: There seems to be more Gary-in-the shower scenes now that this station is fan run. Well, I sure don't mind. Gee, I wonder why all presidents look constipated in pictures. Kyle Chandler would make a great president. He'd never look constipated and his stutter is alot cuter than George W. Bush's. Hey, that gives me an idea.
[Runs into closet, and changes into cat suit. Flys down to Florida, to *ahem,* tamper with the hand count ballots. Makes sure to bring min-TV as to not miss a milisecond of EE.]
Two weeks later...
[America is on the edge of their seats. The president is about to be announced. Watching male newscaster announce the results.]
"And the new president is... Mr. Kyle Chandler." The newscaster squints at his script. "The one with the cute butt. Who wrote this?"
AT: Ha, ha, it was I.
Newscaster blushes. "Anywho, Kyle Chandler is the new prez, and his vice president is, his cat, Cat! Alright, what's going on?"
Gore pops into screen. "I demand a recount."
[Cat runs in with a little tie on, and karate chops Gore.]
"Meow, mrr, purr, meeeowwww!"
Translation: I want my Meow Mix, and a second kitty to help in the Oval Office.
Newscaster clears throat. "This just in. The president, himself, has ordered a stoplight to be put up at the corner of 3rd and Main.
[Cats hops in shot again]
"Mew, meow, mrrrr, owwww."
Translation: Wassssssapppp! My peeps, kitty in the house!
AT: Now that's what I call power.
[AUTHOR'S stomach growls.]
AT: I'm starved. Where do we keep the Starkist?
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