Bless the Beasties
by peregrin anna

This story is a response the EE Fanfic list's "Newbie Challenge"--write a short piece that could serve as the opening teaser sequence for the show, containing at least three of the following words:  eel, umbrella, jelly bean, flamingo, and/or violin.

Disclaimer: The premise and characters of "Early Edition" are the property of (choose one or more correct answer(s)) CBS, Sony, TriStar, Three Characters, and the writers and actors who bring them to life.  I'm just borrowing them for a little fun.  No money's changing hands and no infringement is intended.  It's homage, guys--deal with it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bless the Beasties
by peregrin anna
October, 1997
(slightly revised July, 1998)
 

"Gary!  Hey Gar, wait up!"

Gary Hobson looked up from his newspaper to see his friend Chuck puffing up the steps of the El platform.  "Chuck, what are you doing here?"

"Man, I've been chasing you for three blocks!  Where ya goin'?" Chuck was still trying to catch his breath.

Gary eyed him suspiciously.  "None of your business.  What are you doing here?"

"Me?  I'm just, ya know, offering to spend a little time with my best buddy.  Hang out, help you save the world, that kinda stuff."

"Uh-huh."  Gary gave his friend one more wary look and chomped his gum a little more firmly as he went back to leafing through the paper.

"Geez, you're touchy today.  Whatsa matter, too many disasters to choose from?  Don't worry, I'm here to help you out.  In return, of course, for--"

"No."

"But--"

"No."

"All right, well, at least tell me why you're so preoccupied."  Chuck's eyes widened a bit.  "Hey, there's not someone we know in there, is there?"

Gary looked up and frowned at the approaching train. "It's not that.  There's nothing truly life threatening in the paper today.  It's just--the kind of stuff I think I'm supposed to do is--well, it's odd, that's all."

"So, you gonna tell me about it?"

"Nope."  The train pulled to a stop.

"Can I come with you?"

"Can I stop you?"

"Probably not," Chuck admitted gleefully as they got on the train.  "You wanna at least tell me where we're going?"

"The Shedd Aquar--What are you eating?"

Chuck was hanging on to the overhead bar with one hand and popping candy into his mouth with the other.  "Jelly beans.  Breakfast of Champions."

"Jelly beans.  At nine in the morning?"  Gary shook his head in disbelief.

"Hey, they're low fat and made with real fruit juice!  Besides, I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit.  You know," Chuck sang, "Hippity, hoppity, Easter's on its waaaaay--what are you looking at me like that for?"

"I'm trying to picture you in a giant bunny suit.  It doesn't work.  Here's our stop."

They exited the train and headed for the spit of land on Lake Michigan where the Shedd Aquarium stood.  Gary was taking long strides, and Chuck had to hurry to keep up with him.  "Okay," Chuck began, out of breath again, "If you won't tell me what you're here to do, can you at least tell me why you're in such a hurry?"

"Because I only have half an hour."

"Well, why weren't you here earlier?"

Gary sighed.  "Because I had to--never mind."

"No, really, c'mon Big Guy, what was it?"

"It was stupid."

"Stupid is good.  I can do stupid."

Gary opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again.  Too easy.  "All right, but keep in mind, I didn't choose this particular mission.  The cat sat right on the story and wouldn't get up until I said I'd go do it."

"Ooo, what was it?  Rodent infestation?  Kitty litter shortage?  Milk gone sour?  What?"

"No, it was a..."  Gary mumbled something that Chuck couldn't quite make out.

"A what?"

"A squirrel, okay?  It was a squirrel."

"You had to save a squirrel?" Chuck hooted.  Gary looked embarrassed.

"Well, sort of.  Somehow this baby squirrel had gotten into a street musician's violin case.  When she opened it, the squirrel was gonna go nuts and scratch her face up.  So, I found her, told her about it, and we kept our faces covered while we let the squirrel out.  When I left, they were bonding over sunflower seeds."

"And that made the paper?"

"Hey, I don't write 'em, okay?  I have no idea what's going on today.  Oh, no."  He came to a halt as they exited the underground pedestrian crossing for Lake Shore Drive.  The line for entrance into the aquarium stretched for five blocks.

"It's Thursday," Chuck informed him.  "Free admission."

Gary scanned the crowd of kids, teachers, and parents in dismay.  "I gotta get in there."  He headed for the front door, ignoring the protests from those who were standing in line, and touched the arm of the guard who was herding people in, group by group.  "Excuse me, sir," he said, "I need to get into the aquarium right away."

"Sure, buddy," the guard snorted derisively.  "So does everyone else.  You'll just have to wait your turn."

"You don't understand, this is important--"

"Right.  Back of the line, pal."

"But something's gonna happen--"

"HEY! Don't let them in ahead of us!  We've been waiting in line for an hour!" called a frazzled mother who was trying to corral three small children.

"Back of the line.  Now!" the guard commanded.  Gary backed off.

"Hey, don't worry Gar, I got this covered," said Chuck as he followed Gary back through the crowd.  "Half an hour, right? We can do this."

"How?"

A block away from the entrance, Chuck stopped and scanned the crowd.  Homing in on a boy that Gary guessed was nine or ten years old, Chuck approached the line.

"Hey kid, you wanna give us cuts?"

Cuts? Gary mouthed over the boy's head.  He rolled his eyes.

"Cuts?  No way, mister," the boy declared firmly.

"Well, what if we trade you something?  Like, uh..."  Chuck fished around in his pockets and pulled out a small bag.  "Like these," he said triumphantly.  "Jelly beans."

"I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

"Look, there's nothing wrong with this stuff.  Promise.  Look, I even eat 'em myself."  Chuck popped a handful in his mouth.  "Yum," he declared with his mouth full.  His teeth were turning black from the licorice-flavored beans.

The kid was still eyeing Chuck dubiously. "What brand are they?"

"Oh, all kinds.  Cherry, banana, jalapeno pepper, watermelon..."

"No, not flavors, dumb-brain.  Brand."

"Oh, uh..." Chuck turned the bag so the kid could see the label.  "Jelly Bellies.  Finest beans in all Candyland."  Behind his hand, he whispered to Gary, "Little capitalist snob.  Probably was born in Baby Gap clothes."

The boy chewed on his lip.  He poked his neck out to look ahead at his teacher, who was about a dozen kids away and trying to get one girl to tie her shoe.  He stuck out his hand.  "Deal."

Chuck slapped the bag in the boy's open palm.  "See Gar?  No problemo with the Chuckmeister along."

"Behind me, dorks,"  the kid was saying.

"Huh?"  Chuck asked.

"If you're gonna give me banana flavored jelly beans, then your cuts are gonna be behind me."  The boy turned away from them and fell to trading jelly beans for baseball cards with his classmates.

Chuck shrugged.  Gary fell into line beside him, trying to avoid the dirty looks from the family behind them.  He tapped the rolled-up paper against his thigh in frustration.  He wasn't used to waiting in line.  He was used to barging in.  But the situation he had to prevent seemed so silly, he wasn't sure it was worth causing a scene.

Not that that had ever stopped him before.

Oh well, he figured.  They still had twenty-five minutes.  And the line was moving pretty fast.

* * * * *

When they finally got to the door, the guard frowned.  "You again?  I told you--"

"Hey, we got cuts," Chuck protested.

"Cuts?  What are you, five years old?"

"This is an emergency.  It's a matter of life and death, right Gary?"

"Well, sort of..." Gary began.  Chuck flashed him a 'work with me' look.

"An emergency.  In the aquarium.  What, you're telling me there's a FISH emergency?"  The guard still wasn't convinced, but he wasn't blocking the door anymore either.

"C'mon, Chuck, let's just go in..."  Gary was looking at his watch.  He sighed and turned to the guard.  "Look, sir, we're just gonna keep coming back if you don't let us in now.  The whole line would go a lot faster if you just--"

"Okay, okay, whatever.  Just don't let me see your ugly faces again today."  The guard waved them in, disgusted.  "Grown men, cutting in front of little kids..." he mumbled.

"All right, Gar, where to now?" Chuck asked.  Gary's gaze was flickering between the newspaper article and the map on the wall of the entrance.

"The Caribbean Coast exhibit--this way--"  He started off in one direction, then stopped.  "Wait, I need something--"  He hurried over to the coat check area and grabbed an umbrella from a stand, hiding it behind his back until they were well away.

"Now you've got me wondering.  Is the sprinkler system gonna go off?  Roof leakage?  You'll let me stand under the umbrella with you, right, Gar?  Gar?"  Chuck looked around, but Gary was nowhere to be seen.  "Caribbean Coast..." he mumbled, looking at the signs on the wall for help.  "Jamaica, warm sand, native women..."

* * * * *

Meanwhile, Gary was making his way through the crowds as quickly as he could.  He entered the exhibit room and, checking his watch yet again, found the glass-enclosed white sand beach which sloped down to a tank of Moray eels.

"Everybody back!" he yelled, holding his arms wide to sweep the observers away from the display.  "Out of the way!"

Most people gave him funny looks, but they moved away from the tank anyway.  He couldn't tell if they were following his directions, or trying to back away from someone they perceived as a lunatic.  A bit of both, probably.

He read the article one more time.

"Undetected structural wear and tear was blamed for an incident at the Shedd Aquarium today which injured two adults, three children, and an undisclosed number of Moray eels.  At 9:45 am, the glass front of the eel tank in the Caribbean Coast exhibit shattered due to microscopic cracks when it could no longer withstand the pressure of the hundreds of gallons of water inside.  Flying glass and pushing crowds were blamed for most of the minor injuries.  One man broke his leg when he slipped and fell on an eel which landed--"

"Gary!"  Chuck was pushing his way through the crowd.  "There you are--"

"Eight, seven, six..."  Gary was counting to himself and opening the umbrella at the same time.

Chuck made his way to Gary's side.  "What--"

He never finished.  In one swift movement, Gary pushed Chuck behind him and ducked behind the open umbrella, which he held facing forward.  The tank burst outward, sending shards of glass and gallons of water spraying through the room.

Thanks to Gary, no one was close enough to get hurt.

Except for Chuck.

He wasn't hurt, per se.  But he hadn't ducked quickly enough.  Most of the water had hit him full in the face.  Gary straightened and turned to see his friend blinking and sputtering through the sheets of water pouring down his face.

"Phhhhtttt...funny, wise guy.  Really funny."  Chuck was trying to wipe the water out of his face with his equally wet hands.

Gary couldn't help grinning.  "Hey, Fishman, you're finally living up to your name."

"Har, har, har...yahhh!"  Chuck's sarcastic laughter was cut short as an eel slithered across his foot.  Gary swooped down, picked it up, and deposited it in the upside-down umbrella.

"Help me out here, will ya?" he asked Chuck.

"Help you out?  Oh, sure, I'm the one who gets us in here, who gets soaked, and now I'm supposed to help you out?"

Gary looked up from dropping another eel into the umbrella.  "Who asked you to be here, huh?"

Still grumbling, Chuck helped Gary pick up all the homeless, wiggling eels.  As he was gingerly dropping the last one into the umbrella, a loud voice behind them barked, "YOU!!!"

It was the guard from the front door.

"What the hell?!" he hollered as he took in the scene before him.

"Um...well, the tank burst and--um, we were just, uh...have a nice day, officer," Gary finished quickly, handing the guard the umbrella and dragging Chuck away from the exhibit with him.  They ran from the room, leaving the guard to gape at the umbrella full of eels.

"Cool!" exclaimed one kid through a mouthful of jelly beans.

* * * * *

"Gary, what was that all about?" Chuck demanded as they headed back to the L station.  He left a damp trail behind him and his shoes made squishing noises as they slapped the pavement.

"I dunno.  I just read it in the paper.  I told you things were screwy today."

"Uh-huh.  Well, you can just--hey, where ya going?" he demanded as Gary got on a northbound train.  Before Gary could answer, Chuck hopped on with him.  People on the train moved away from the wet man who was emitting a vaguely fishy odor.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Sure I'm sure.  I want to know where you're going.  What you're doing.  And if they have towels there."

"Uh, probably not.  Lincoln Park Zoo."

"The zoo?  The zoo?  More endangered animals, Gar?  What is this, did PETA take over your paper?"

"I. Don't. Know." Gary growled in exasperation. "All I know is, if I don't get to the zoo by eleven, a flamingo's gonna break its leg."

Chuck gave out a sound of disbelief that might have been a laugh.  "A flamingo.  You're doing this for a flamingo?"

"It's right here," Gary told him shoving the paper in his face and then snatching it away.  "A flamingo gets out of its enclosure, wanders into the prairie dog exhibit, and falls in a hole, breaking its leg."

"So, it'll just stand on the other one. What's the big deal?"

"I don't know, Chuck, but it's in the paper.  What else am I supposed to do?"

Chuck threw up his hands.  "Maybe it's national 'Be Kind to Animals' week."

"Right."

"So just how do you plan to catch this flamingo?"

"I don't know.  I'll think of something," Gary sighed.

"Well, luckily you have me along to help out, right?  I mean, this kind of service to mankind--uh, animalkind--it's important, right?  Deserves some kind of reward.  The financial section would--"

"Chuck?"

"What?"

"You're dripping on the paper."

<Cue opening credits>

FINIS
 


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