In the old days, your Friday nights would be spent:
     in a rousing game of bingo and a nap
     with Ben & Jerry's, and lots of it
     clubbing until dawn
     editing together the week's videotape
     dreaming of a certain cheerleader
     getting drunk and wallowing
     thrift store shopping to get that perfect sweater set
     reliving past glories
     calling old girlfriends
     turning found objects into fine (okay, okay) art

These days, your Friday nights are spent:
     lending people a hand
     taking a nice long hot steam
     hanging out with high school kids at the local coffee shop
     climbing the walls
     playing music loud and doing exactly what you want
     getting drunk and commiting felonies
     trying on new looks in the mirror
     visiting old girlfriends
     shopping for the perfect dress
     reliving your youth

You have:
     anger management issues
     maturity issues
     financial issues
     mother issues
     father issues
     revenge issues
     intimacy issues
     personal grooming issues
     self esteem issues
     best friend issues

In a perfect world, you would be:
     Mr. Lana Lang
     a size 4
     President
     a concert pianist
     coaching the Metropolis Sharks
     playing for the Metropolis Sharks
     spoiled rotten by two loving parents
     hot
     Lana Lang
     alone

Your best friend is:
    your dad
    a high-school freshman
    in a glass cage beside your bed
    friends? what are friends?
    the same guy you hung out with in high school
    Lana Lang
    real men don't have friends
    whatever girl you're with
    yourself
    Not your best friend any more

Normal people would say your problem is:
     Peter Pan complex
     God complex
     an old sports injury
     an eating disorder
     arrogance
     nothing a trip to the dermatologist
          and a really super hot girlfriend can't fix
     parental abuse
     self-esteem
     misogeny
     lack of people skills

Your favourite movie is:
     Pretty Woman
     Citizen Kane
     Spider-Man
     X-Men
     Animal House
     Single White Female
     Hoosiers
     Some Like It Hot
     Where The Money Is
     It's A Wonderful Life