Chapter 1 – voices

She felt her head drop.

Painfully.

Regretfully.

The whole room around her bathed in excruciating silence. Her heart was about to explode. Or was it her head? She didn't know. At this point, she did not really care either.

Cordelia kneeled on the ground, wearing nothing extravagant or fancy, just old sweatpants and a tight dark blue t-shirt, and she let her fingers carefully linger on a piece of metal. Her heart stumbled within her chest and nearly broke itself into pieces.

But despite her heart's misbehaviour, her eyes reflected pure despair, masked by raw anger.

She was angry.

She was sad, but she was angry.

And now, all of a sudden, kneeling down on the cold floor in the basement of the Hyperion, she felt lost.

She was lost.

She leaned back on her heels and looked up, almost pleadingly. Begging with her eyes.

She heard that voice in her head once again. That voice she so desperately wanted to believe.

"Everything's going to be alright. . . trust me."

That voice. That young, confident, reassuring female voice. Nothing was alright. Nothing.

She had lost them. She had lost herself.

Cordelia removed her hand from the sword that lied on the ground and took a deep breath, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears.

One small tear rolled down her cheek, before she closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, painfully.

* * *

"How is she?" a familiar female voice asked.

Wesley, Gunn and Fred exchanged a worried look before turning back towards Buffy, Xander and Willow.

"Not good." Wesley finally said as his voice threatened to choke.

"I don't understand. . . I mean. . . how? Why?" Xander spoke in a barely audible voice as the realization dawned upon him. "I mean. . . Cordy?"

Buffy lowered her eyes, obviously struck by an emotional whirlwind.

"Has she had any other visions since it happened?" Buffy managed to ask.

"Yes. One." Wesley answered before taking a shallow breath. "Supposedly painless, but. . . " he began but stopped himself.

"That's not where the pain comes from anymore." Fred finished his thought.

"Maybe if I talk to her. . . " Buffy whispered, almost to herself, but loud enough so that everyone heard.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Gunn finally spoke up, his tired face facing the slayer.

"Maybe I can help. . . I know what she must be going through. . . " she tried to explain but the words failed her.

"I don't think you do." Wesley gently informed Buffy. "I don't mean to diminish anything that's happened to you, or the things that you do, and did. . . but I don't think it's a good idea for you to talk to her."

"Well, somebody needs to be there for her. . . " Willow said in a sad tone.

"She won't listen to you." Fred said as a tear rolled down her face. "She won't listen to anyone anymore. . . "

Fred's voice was shaking, breaking into the thick air that filled the Hyperion.

It was suffocating now.

Almost dead.

"She will never trust anymore. . . " Wesley finished Fred's musings in a bare whisper.

"Where is she?" Willow asked.

"Downstairs." Gunn answered, bending his head down as a signal he wasn't going to say anything more.

It had been two days. Two long, agonizing days.

They couldn't help her.

She had shut them out.

She had shut herself out in some way too.

"What is she doing there?" Buffy asked, paying attention to the somber faces of Cordelia and Angel's friends.

"Nothing. Anything." Fred replied in a quiet voice.

"She's probably pushing herself towards exhaustion because that's the only way she's found to not think about this for 2 seconds." Wesley added in a worried yet sad tone. "She's probably practicing her newly acquired passion for sword fighting. . . " he added, sounding pensive.

"Sword fighting?" Xander could not help but inquire. "Cordy fights? With a sword?"

"Well, that's a good thing, right?" Buffy tried to put into perspective. "She's trying to do something. . . she's trying to get back up. . . I would think that's a good thing. . . "

She stopped herself when she saw Wesley's tear-filled eyes stare back at her.

"Not when every time she picks up that sword, it kills her a little more. . . "

* * *

Cordelia's eyes spitted anger into the darkness of the basement. She stood, immobile, in a fighting position, holding a sword in front of her.

Nothing mattered.

Nothing mattered anymore.

The guilt, the hatred, the tears, the anger. . . .the suffering. . . shone through her eyes as she stared in front of herself.

She found herself doing something she had not been particularly found of in the first place. She was practicing those slow-motion techniques Angel had taught her.

"Everything's going to be alright. . . trust me. . . " she heard that voice inside of her again.

Anyone who would have looked at her from a distance would have said she was relaxed, calm even.

But she wasn't. Her eyes were filled with sadness, pain and mostly anger. That never-ending anger. Why was she angry? Who was she so angry at? The answer was simple yet so complicated.

Herself.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" His voice. Angel's voice.

Cordelia closed her eyes as she continued her silent ritual.

"Don't be afraid to let yourself be saved."

Why had she listened to her, Cordelia wondered as she swung the sword into the air in a fast-paced move suddenly.

"Ok, then, let's just get this over with. . . " she heard her own voice repeat the words in her head.

"Look at yourself!" that teenage voice again.

Cordelia held her breath and swung the sword into the darkness again.

"Cordy, you know what you have to do. . . " Angel's voice rang in her head repeatedly.

"I can't do this. . . " she remembered answering in a faint voice.

"You won't have to." She heard him say again as she inhaled painfully. "I'll be fine. . . "

Those words. Those small words. . .

"I'll be fine. . . I'll be fine. . . I'll be fine. . . everything's going to be okay. . . .trust me. . . I'll be fine. . . "

All the voices chanted together in an agonizing cry inside her head and Cordelia couldn't stand it anymore. She dropped the sword to the ground and fell to her knees almost immediately after. She bowed her head down and suddenly her mind stopped shouting.

Silence again.

She opened her eyes and looked at an invisibly marked spot in the middle of the room and the silence was broken once more.

"One of us deserves to be saved. . . " that teenage female voice whispered in her head once more.

Cordy leaned her back against the wall and wrapped her arms around her legs.

She didn't feel like she had been saved.

She didn't feel saved at all. . .

* * *

"She's strong. She'll get back up. She's Cordy. . . " Xander spoke as if it was that simple. "She's not one to dwell on guilt for too long. . . "

Wesley looked at him and then lowered his eyes.

"She's not that Cordy anymore. . . ." He told him with a bit of pride in his voice. "I know it's easier for all of you to think of the Queen C that made your lives miserable in high school but. . . so much has changed. She's seen so much, and felt so much. . . The girl who didn't care, with the quick tongue and the loud mouth. . . that's not Cordy anymore. At least not entirely. She's not invincible Xander. She never was. . . even though she tried to be." He said. "I'm not sure either of you would recognize her anymore. . . And after this. . . now. . . "

"She's alone." Buffy finished, understanding perfectly what Wesley meant.

"She's not alone. . . " Willow said in an insisting voice, but she stopped herself.

They all stayed silent for a while.

Struck by the news. Struck by emotions. Struck by the simple shock that all of this could have happened so fast.

Struck by so many little things that made them silent.

"At the risk of sounding redundant, how??" Xander asked once again, this time in a barely audible whisper that broke everybody's hearts. "How did this all happen?" he asked, bewildered.

"When you called." Wesley said as he addressed Buffy.

The confused look in her eyes prompted him to continue.

"It all began when you left that message for Cordelia about her cousin. . . "

". . . Emily. . . " Buffy whispered, remembering.

"It all began with Emily. . . " Wesley spoke in a low, painful tone as he remembered the events of that week.

Chapter 2 – Emily

Three weeks earlier. . .

She was running.

She was running faster than she'd ever run in her entire life.

Breathless.

Fearful.

The sound of her reckless feet hitting the ground resounded in her ears as she occasionally looked over her shoulder with eyes that pierced the night with fear. She was out of breath, but she didn't care. She was exhausted, but she didn't dare stop running. She couldn't.

Her long dark hair flew as she hurried on the sidewalk, never slowing down.

She ran as if something chased her.

A young teenager, she was.

Only a teenager. Why was she running so fast? What was she running from?

Suddenly, the young girl screamed in pain and fell to her knees, bringing her escape to a serious halt. Her agonizing cry resounded in the L.A. night. Her palms violently hit the ground as she struggled to get back up on her feet. But it was too strong. The force was too powerful. She lifted her eyes and saw half of the moon dancing above her head, and as her eyes filled with invisible tears, she pushed herself up, struggled to regain her balance and looked over her shoulder one more time.

Drops of sweat sparkled on her forehead as she managed to capture her breath. She brought her hands to her chest in pain, shaking her head, and mumbling something incomprehensible.

"I got it. . . Got it, okay. . . " were the words that she let out repeatedly before starting to run again.

This was getting worse.

Much worse.

* * *

The Hyperion Hotel bathed in profound silence and emptiness, until the loud ringing of the phone broke the tranquility.

It rang. . . .again and again. . . until the machine picked up. Cordelia's voice was heard, telling whoever had called to leave a message after the beep.

"Cordelia?" the familiar voice asked in a surprisingly worried tone. "Cordelia, if you're there, please pick up. . . " after a while, Buffy took a deep breath. "Look, this morning, I got a visit from your cousin, Emily. She was looking for you. . . it seemed very urgent. I don't know what's wrong but she sounded very desperate to find you. I gave her the address of Angel Investigations, so I wouldn't be surprised if she was on her way right now. . . " Buffy explained, still with that concern in her voice. "Cordelia, something's wrong with her. She sounded very strange when I spoke to her. I don't know, maybe it's nothing and I've just been out of the loop for too long. . . Anyway, her parents came barging in just now because she's disappeared from the hospital. . . I didn't tell them I had seen her, but I really think something's up here. . . just. . . juts wanted to let you know. . . " Buffy finished, before hanging up.

Right as her voice faded, the Hotel became silent once again.

Too silent.

* * *

She began running again, as fast as she could until she saw it.

Its roof, its darkness, its grandeur. She couldn't be wrong. It had to be it. She ran towards it as if her life depended on that one last sprint towards the door. She reached the large door of the Hyperion and banged on it, opening her mouth to speak but no words would come out.

"Cor. . . " she began but it only came out as a whisper.

No answer.

Nothing.

Nobody.

She paused to take her breath and examine her surroundings when an invisible forced pushed her against the door violently. She closed her eyes in pain and fell to the ground, right in front of the door.

* * *

Later that same night. . .

"I'm okay, I can still walk. . . " Cordelia's voice was heard from a distance.

"They are getting worse and worse. . . this is not good Cordy, and you are not okay." Angel insisted in a low voice.

Gunn and Angel helped Cordelia get out of the car and wrapped her arms around their shoulders.

"You guys are complete mysteries to the female kind, you know that?" she mused as they helped her walk towards the door. "Big muscles and all. . . .while big, dorky softies underneath." She said looking back and forth between Gunn and Angel, managing a tired smile.

She coughed once or twice on their way to the door.

Angel's eyes rested on her face.

Tired.

Brave, but tired.

These visions were definitely taking their toll on her and he could see it.

Cordelia turned her head slightly enough to catch a glimpse of his stare. Forcing a smile that went to her eyes, she managed to ease down the hidden fears she'd seen plastered on Angel's face.

Wesley walked in front of them, going to open the door, when he stopped in his tracks.

They all followed his motion, slightly confused, slightly fearful.

"Oh my. . . " Wesley began and then rushed to the door.

There.

Lying on the ground, was a young girl's body.

Cordelia let go of Gunn and Angel as their eyes landed on the bloody, motionless – not to mention unconscious – body. The two men rushed to Wesley's side, never realising the look of horror on Cordelia's face. Fred stood behind Cordelia.

She froze.

She found herself unable to move.

Cordelia's eyes were fixated on the girl.

Angel, Wesley and Gunn turned to face her when they heard her voice and they saw the shock on her face.

"Oh my God. . . Emily. . . " she spoke again as she rushed towards the young girl and knelt on the floor beside her.

"You know her?" Fred asked, as she seemed oblivious to anything and everything else around her.

Cordelia went to touch Emily's face but the blood stopped her.

So much blood.

A long and painful silence befell them.

A haunting silence.

A dreadful silence.

"She's my cousin. . . " Cordelia finally managed to let out.

Angel, Wesley and Gunn all stared at her momentarily, a bit stunned by Cordelia's words.

"We need to get her inside, right now. . . " Angel said, reaching for the girl's hand.

As soon as his fingers brushed against Emily's hands, Angel gasped in pain and fell backwards.

It burned.

His fingers felt as if they were burning.

Cordelia turned and saw him grab his hand painfully and fear spread across her face. She tore her eyes away from Angel and looked back down at young Emily's motionless body. Never mind the fear. Never mind the doubts, or the danger. Cordy grabbed her cousin's arms and tried to lift her up. Her lack of strength was not helping the case here and she knew that.

She didn't care.

The feel of the warm, wet blood on her hands made her shiver initially.

Right then, Emily began to move, and she slowly opened her eyes, grimacing in pain.

"Cordy. . . " her voice was shaky and her words simply wavered out of her mouth.

"It's okay. . . it's okay. . . " Cordy whispered, desperately trying to reassure the young teenager.

Gunn, overcoming the initial shock of Angel's fall, grabbed the young girl and lifted her in his arms.

"Careful. . . " Wesley said, pushing the door open as they all walking hurriedly.

* * *

She barely moved while Cordelia bandaged her arm, carefully. She barely spoke.

Such fear and worry filled everyone's eyes.

If they only knew. . .

"There you go. . . " Cordy said, giving Emily a tiny smile and sitting down beside her.

"Thanks." Emily managed to say.

By the time Cordelia had been done with helping Emily, Lorne had arrived at the Hyperion. His initial reaction to seeing young Emily had been a confusing one.

The look on his face.

His long silence.

His staring.

For some reasons – inexplicable ones – Lorne had been taken aback by the sight of the strong female teenager. The look they had exchanged had not only piqued Cordelia's curiosity, but it had also worried her.

"What happened to you??" Cordelia asked, concern in her voice as she took a seat beside her cousin.

Angel and Wesley sat nearby, while Fred and Lorne sat around the counter in utter silence. All eyes were riveted on Emily.

"Nothing. . . I'm fine. . . " Emily spoke.

Her voice. There was a warning in her voice.

She hadn't arrived on their doorstep by chance.

Her eyes shot Cordelia one of those looks – those same looks Cordy could throw at them sometimes.

"I need to talk to you. . . " Emily said in a low voice as she faced Cordelia.

Such darkness in her eyes. Yet, there was this youth, this lively sparkle of hope.

"Emily, you show up here covered with blood, I think I have the right to know what happened to you first." Cordelia insisted.

"Were you attacked?" Wesley inquired, looking as thoughtful as ever.

"No. . . " Emily said, shaking her head.

What else was she to say? Nothing else except for a simple no came to mind.

None of them seemed too convinced by her rather short answer.

"Oh sure, I end up on people's doorsteps with cuts and bruises all the time too. . . " Cordy sarcastically said before shooting Emily a warning look. "You might as well tell us because we'll find out anyway."

"You can tell us if you were attacked. . . " Wesley said trying to reassure the young girl.

"Was it weird? Did it have weird features and all. . . " Cordelia tried to subtly get something out of her cousin's mouth.

Emily rolled her eyes and took a deep breath.

"It wasn't a demon Cordelia." She said in a tone that made it pretty clear to everyone she knew what she was talking about.

"You know about demons. . . ?" Angel finally spoke up.

"Uhm. . . hello. . . I am from SunnyHell. If you don't know about demons there, you're a hermit or you're screwed, whichever you like best." Emily said in a typically Chase tone.

A short silence invaded the room after those words were spoken.

"You must be Angel. . . " Emily softly spoke as she looked into Angel's eyes.

Those eyes. They seem so familiar. She looked at him as if she knew him already.

"Do I know you?" Angel inquired slowly.

A small smile crept on Emily's face and she lowered her head.

"No." she responded after a short pause.

Cordelia looked back and forth between Emily and Angel. There was something she couldn't put her finger on in the way Emily looked at Angel. It was calm and peaceful. . . it was familiar. All of a sudden, Emily looked calm.

Very calm.

"Emily. . . " Cordelia spoke, not knowing exactly where to start. "What are you doing here?" she then asked with a frown.

"Just wanted to visit my favorite cousin. . . " Emily smiled.

Cordy stared at her, unconvinced.

"Emily, what happened to you out there?" Cordelia asked in a concerned, low voice.

There was a long silence.

Emily stared at her cousin's eyes and stayed silent for a while.

"You should tell her doll. . . " Lorne finally spoke up from the other side of the room.

Emily simply stared at him, still not making a sound.

Cordelia glanced over at Lorne and then back to Emily.

"Tell me what? What's going on?" Cordelia asked, but didn't let Emily answer. "It was a demon, wasn't it?" she blurted out.

"No. . . It was nothing demon-y. . . well, not technically." Emily said, pausing for a moment. "It's complicated. . . "

"I've got time." Cordelia pressed her.

"Well. . . " Emily started and then thought for a second. "God this is going to sound really cheesy, and I really don't want to steal Haley Joel Osment's thunder here, but, hum," she began and then leaned forward closer to Cordelia's face. "I see dead people." Emily finally spoke in a soft, low voice.

CHAPTER 3 – Crossroad Demon

For a moment, it seemed the room stood still.

Frozen almost.

Breaking the awkward silence was Gunn's nervous and disbelieving giggle.

"Right. Dead people. Funny line." He said as if he'd heard the best joke of the week.

Cordelia barely heard his voice. Her attention stayed focused on Emily. For some reason, the look in the young girl's eyes darkened, unwillingly.

It became somber. More distant. More serious. Pained, slightly.

"Glad you find that funny. . . " Lorne mumbled as he stared at Gunn.

Gunn stayed silent, looked back and forth between Lorne and Emily and his face dropped. The teenager had now lowered her eyes, probably trying to avoid cordelia's intense stare. She didn't remember her cousin could be that serious. Of course, Emily had always known that material-girl Cordy was an act.

A good one. A mastered one. But an act nonetheless.

It's in moments like these that t he true Cordy came through. Emily could see that. So could Angel.

"You can see dead people?" Angel said in a quiet, even voice as he sat close to the two young women.

Emily slowly nodded, finally lifting her eyes. Hidden hurt shone through them.

"Yeah. . . " she calmly spoke. "Actually, it's quite crowded in here. You'd be surprised at just how crowded it is. It's kind of distracting if you ask me." She unsuccessfully tried to lighten the mood, in her own awkward way, with one of those breathless rants. "You know. . . " she said, pausing shortly. "Ghosts, spirits. . . it's no biggie, really." She added as she rose from the couch and turned her back on all of them. "It's not why I came here. . . I'm just the messenger." She whispered out loud, but almost only to herself.

"Don't do this, honey." Lorne's highly concerned, yet knowing voice was heard suddenly.

All eyes except Emily's turned to him.

All except her.

"It is a big deal and you should tell them. You can't just tell them half of it because sooner or later you'll have to spill your guts. So out with it." He pushed her. "Unless you want me to do it for you sugar. . . "

Emily didn't even turn around. She kept her head down while everybody waited, not so patiently. Cordelia got up and walked towards her cousin, every step sounding like she was stepping into a dark and sad closed-off space.

"Emily. . . " Cordy spoke, trying to get her attention.

"Tell her. She's seen worse." Lorne told her reassuringly.

"What? Is the green dud psychic or something?" Emily couldn't help but let out as she took a deep and much needed breath, never turning around or lifting her eyes up.

"You're lucky you didn't have to sing. . . " Fred mumbled.

"Hey!" Lorne protested.

"No offense." Emily added, finally turning to look at all of them. "I mean, if I had wanted to insult you, I would have said pink dud. Or, I would have used an actual skin color." She informed him in typical fashion, which reminded Angel of Cordelia.

"Good point." Lorne acknowledged, impressed.

"You two are most definitely related." Gunn raised an eyebrow while pointing at Cordy and Emily.

"Hum, hello?? Back over here, Em. Stay with me on this one." Cordelia said, snapping her fingers in front of Emily's face.

A long silence invaded the room, meticulously making them a bit uncomfortable. Emily paused, closed her eyes, and sighed inwardly before finally speaking.

"I don't just see them." She confessed as she looked into Cordy's attentive eyes.

Tears. Hidden tears threatened to form in Emily's eyes and Cordy could see it.

"I can feel them." She hesitantly continued. "Everything in their souls. The hurt, the joy, the guilt. . . all of it. I just feel them. . . so that I can help them."

Her voice sounded scared.

Cordy had never seen Emily afraid before. Strong, brave, sharp-tongue Emily. She seemed peaceful and scared all at once – if that was even possible.

"The Crossroad." Wesley said as he suddenly remembered.

While Cordy looked at him questioningly, Emily lowered her eyes once again.

"Usually the Crossroad demons have that power. They're good demons though." He mused out loud. "They are servants of the Powers. They're born to physically and emotionally bare the pain of spirits in order to help them cross over." He explained as the information slowly crept back into his mind. "But they can only do it when the spirit actually goes through them."

"Goes through them?" Angel inquired, wanting more specific details.

"Like I see into your souls when you sing; she feels their souls when they walk through her." Lorne pitched in.

"From what I've read about these servants, it's like a gate. Once it's opened, the spirits – or Ghosts if you will – can go in and out of her as they please." Wesley said, his tone showing signs of worry. "Like your visions." He added, addressing Cordelia now.

"So you can feel. . . everything. . . " Cordy said, her voice nearly breaking with that last word.

Emily didn't say anything, but her silence confirmed Cordelia's greatest fear.

She felt everything.

Absolutely everything.

"It's a very powerful power to possess. . . but it can be an extremely dangerous one for a human." Wesley finally spoke, concern filling his voice. "No human can bare a power like that."

Angel's eyes rested on Emily, who had not moved since Wesley had spoken. There was something about her. Something reassuring yet daring and frightening. Something familiar. Like she had all the answers but was just waiting for the right moment to spill them out. Yes, she felt familiar. Like the Powers.

"How?"

That word. It was all she could manage to ask at that point. It was all Cordy could coherently manage to say.

"Wrong place at the wrong time. Or, right place, right time. Depends on how you want to look at it." Emily said, trying to forge a smile, but unfortunately the smile came about a bit weaker than she had tried for.

Angel was sitting close enough to Cordelia and Emily to hear the rhythmic beating of their hearts. He closed his eyes immediately as he felt Cordelia's heart skip an important beat.

He got up from his seat, for the first time since all of this had begun unfolding before his eyes, and he walked towards Emily. With a very delicate touch, he reached out to touch the cut on her forearm.

"A spirit did that?" he asked in a soft, caring voice.

Emily looked deeply into Angel's eyes.

"Not on purpose." She answered in a bare whisper.

Cordy watched the interaction between the two silently.

"Does it always have this effect on you?" he asked her.

"Not always."

"So, what does happen usually?" Cordy inquired in a soft voice.

Just as those words came out, Emily took a few steps back, looking somewhere behind Angel and Cordelia.

"Oh no. . . " Emily sighed, pleadingly.

Cordy and Angel turned around but saw nothing.

"Can we take a rain check on this? I'm in the middle of a disc. . . "

As soon as the words came out, her body was thrown forward and she gasped in pain. She landed into Angel's arms and Cordelia immediately rushed to her. Emily closed her eyes in pain as both, Angel and Cordy, held onto her shaking body.

"Guess that answers it." Gunn said, looking rather disconcerted.

* * *

There were books everywhere. One could have assumed they had robbed an entire library considering the amount of books that lied around the hotel lobby. Wesley, Gunn and Fred were busy researching some ancient books on prophecies and such while Angel tried to find something on why the Powers would have chosen someone like Emily to bare this power. Cordelia was looking into some demon database on the computer, tapping her foot on the ground impatiently.

"Anything?" Gunn asked, looking back and forth between Angel and Cordelia.

"Nothing so far." Wesley replied in a disappointed tone.

"There has to be something." Cordelia mumbled, never lifting her eyes from her frantic search.

"We'll find something." Angel soothingly spoke as he sat across from her.

"I found a demon of the same family here." She said, thoughtfully. "It's not the same but still. It says that if you kill the demon itself, it automatically neutralize whatever damage it has done." She explains. "So maybe if we track down whatever gave this to her we can stop this madness. . . " she tried to sound hopeful but she couldn't.

"I don't know. . . " Wesley said, uncertain as he kept searching through his book.

"Well, there has to be something!" Cordy exclaimed before taking a deep breath and running her hands through her hair.

"Cordelia," Wesley said putting his book down for a moment, looking rather apologetic. "These encounters with the other world. . . her body is not made to sustain it for a long period of time." He explained.

"So you're saying that these episodes. . . this power that the Power passed down to her will kill her. . . " Angel half-asked, half-stated.

"Eventually." Wesley said in a low voice, lowering his eyes. "She is human. . . "

"What are you talking about?!?" Cordelia exclaimed, almost angrily for the first time. "I'm not going to just sit here like a big fat idiot and do nothing while these damn PTBs kill her! Na-huh. No way." She said shaking her head with determination.

"Hum. . . hi. . . yes, here." Lorne hesitantly spoke, breaking his restrained silence. "I'm sorry to interrupt this lovely rescue mission here, but I think you're all missing the point." He said as all eyes turned to him once more.

"And what point would that be?" Cordelia asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Maybe you're not supposed to save her." He finally said in a calm, knowing tone. "I don't think that's why she came here. She didn't come here to be rescued. She knows her fate, she's just completing her mission." He tried to explain as everyone stared at him blankly.

"Don't take this personally," Cordelia nicely said as she walked closer to him, "but shut up." She then finished in a still calmed voice as she walked passed him.

"I wish I could sweetheart," he said shaking his head sadly. "I wish I could."

"So what are you saying? That there's absolutely nothing I can do? That there's no way to save her? That she'll just eventually die and it's only a matter of time?" Cordy asked in a shaky breath.

"This is nothing new darling. It's like your visions. You can't just get rid of that. It's a part of you. . . " he said as everyone stood silent.

Cordelia's heart skipped a beat as he spoke those words. She lowered her eyes.

Some things only she was aware of. Some things she had never gotten the courage to tell the others.

Some things she never thought she would.

This was one of them.

As she heard Lorne compare Emily's condition to her visions, it suddenly hit her that this frantic search to rescue Emily was a pretense to rescue herself.

In some distant way.

"I'm sorry." Lorne added as he saw the heartbreaking look on Cordelia's tired face. "But I don't think she came here to be saved." He whispered.

"Then why did she come here?" she emotionally asked. "Why then?"

There was a short silence before Lorne answered.

"That's something you will have to ask her. Not me." He said as he picked up his coat and silently headed for the door. He stopped on his way out and faced her again. "Just remember, fear will only hold you down." He said before turning back to leave.

* * *

The air was thick. A warmth invaded the darkness of the hotel.

There was always such a warmth in that room. It had never ceased to amaze her.

Cordelia stood in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe as she watched the sleeping form that lied down on Angel's bed. She bowed her head down and crossed her arms against her chest, taking a much-needed breath.

So many things she couldn't understand.

So many things she couldn't do.

There he was. She could feel him. Even in the darkness, she knew he was there, behind her. Waiting. She tilted her head and noticed that he was standing a couple of inches behind her.

"Are you okay?" he whispered in the most concerned voice a vampire could make out.

"I guess. . . "

It was all she could answer.

"Cordelia, about earlier tonight," he began hesitantly. "I know the visions are taking their toll on you. Don't hide it from me." He gently told her.

"I'm not hiding it from you. . . it's just. . . " she tried but she stopped herself

They didn't need to talk about it now.

"What did she mean by 'I'm just the messenger'?" she inquired out loud, to which Angel had no answer.

They both just stayed there in silence and watched the young girl that slept inside the room. She had been so exhausted. So beat. So everything.

He could hear Cordelia breathing. Her heart pounding against her chest. He could feel the worries, the sadness. . . and somehow, he could feel the happiness radiating from her. It took Angel by surprise at first. Why did he feel like there was a part of her that couldn't help but be happy?

"Cordy. . . " he softly spoke.

The way he said her name. She knew what would follow. She had become used to that tone of his, whenever something serious was going to follow.

"Maybe Lorne's right." He whispered as she lifted her eyes, turned her head and glanced at him. "Maybe she doesn't even want to be saved. Maybe that's not why she came here." He honestly – and regretfully – spoke.

A sad smile spread across Cordelia's face as she lowered her eyes once again.

"You don't get it do you. . . " she whispered back.

Angel simply looked at her, waiting. He waited for her to continue.

She knew he was.

"I don't care why she's here." Cordelia finally spoke, turning around to fully face him now. "Maybe I should, but I don't." she confessed. "I don't care why she came here, because she did. She just did." Cordy's voice filled with repressed emotion. "She's my cousin. Granted we're not inseparable and I don't know much about her anymore, but she's family. I don't care if she came here to die or to fulfill some stupid PTB mission, because the first thing that pops into my head whenever I look at her is ‘God, somebody from my own family travelled all the way over here to see me!' How pathetic is that?! Huh?" she asked him with some sort of sadness and desperation in her voice that Angel had never truly heard before.

"It's not pathetic. . . you are the furthest thing from pathetic." He said in all sincerity as he stared into her sparkling eyes.

"She's just here. And I don't care why, because she's the first real family member who at least pretends that she cares – and we all know those are few and far between. . . if at all existent anymore." She confessed.

"Cordy. . . " Angel whispered, taking a step forward.

She shook her head and smiled faintly.

"Why?" she asked in a weak voice as her eyes involuntarily filled with tears. "Why would the Powers do that to her?"

"I don't know." He said, looking down for a moment. "I promise that if there's a way, I'll find it." He said.

They both stared at one another in silence.

They needed no words. They knew what the other was thinking.

The inevitable.

"For both of you." Angel whispered after a short pause.

Cordelia lowered her eyes and leaned against the doorframe once more.

Angel didn't know.

He just didn't.

And she wasn't sure she would ever tell him.

In the darkness of the room, she felt Angel's hand softly rest on her shoulder. Soothingly. Reassuringly. Caringly.

They just stayed there in the dark, barely touching, yet comforting one another as they watched Emily sleep.

--

CHAPTER 4 – Cordelia's secret.

The minutes felt like days. That night proved to be a long one for all of them.

Angel knelt beside the big couch, where Cordelia's sleeping form rested in a not so peaceful sleep. But she was sleeping. Finally. She needed her rest and that's all that mattered.

For now.

His hands seemed to tremble momentarily. His hands never trembled, he reminded himself. He took the books from on of her hands and placed it down on the floor beside her. She seemed so tired. More than usual, he thought, as he placed a small blanket on top of her.

He stayed there, motionless, watching her breathe in and out slowly.

He could not help the painful thoughts that kept crossing his mind.

The visions. The Powers.

Her being human.

Her fate.

Angel closed his eyes and took an unnecessary breath before standing up and silently heading towards the stairs.

From one of the desks, Fred, Wesley and Gunn watched him disappear at the top of the staircase.

"Is he going to be okay?" Fred asked, still staring at the empty staircase. "I mean, I realise that it may sound a tiny bit insensitive to be worrying about Angel right now, considering that Cordy's suffering from her visions keeps intensifying and her cousin's kind of just dying there from ghost-busting tendencies, but. . . " she breathed as Wesley and Gunn stared at her with raised eyebrows. "Is he going to be okay?"

"He's worried." Wesley told her as he picked up another book.

"About Emily? He barely knows her. Granted, she's an innocent and she's a lot like Cordy – and I do mean A LOT – but. . . " Fred ranted on and on again but stopped herself when she saw the serious look on their faces.

"About Cordy." Gunn pointed out before going back to his book.

"Why?" Fred questioned with genuine confusion.

Wesley took his glasses off and sadly glanced at Cordelia's sleeping body.

"Because watching Emily is like a preview." He said in a low, tired voice, and then turned to face Fred again. "Of what can happen to Cordelia." He finished as the room fell into a deep silence.

* * *

She was standing in the dark.

It was so dark. Everywhere.

What was she doing in the dark in the first place? She couldn't remember how she'd gotten there either. The darkness enveloped all of her senses, except one. That distinct feeling she always felt.

That familiar vision feeling.

Suddenly, bright flashes of light blinded her. A painful light.

Images flashed before her eyes in a disturbing sequence that almost prevented her from breathing.

The Groosalug.

Groo: "I am unworthy of lifting your burden, highness."

A crowd of dripping, ugly beasts surrounding the hotel.

Cordelia breaking down in tears, holding a lifeless body in her arms.

Groo: "It is foretold in the ancient prophecies that one will
come who is cursed with the visions. She will mate with the groosalug
whose demon blood shall absorb them."
All these images danced in her head, intercepted by images of angel, standing in a poorly lit room, staring into her eyes with such intensity while holding her face into his hands.

The sequence lasted mere seconds, and ended with the same blinding flashes of light.

Cordelia woke in a start; jumping into a seating position and gasping for air so desperately. She grabbed her chest in pain. Her face was covered in sweat, pure fear radiating from her face as she tried to regain a normal form of breathing. Alarmed, Wesley, Gunn and Fred dropped their books and rushed to her side, but she could barely notice their presence, or hear them, as she sat up and grabbed her head in pain.

Her heart was racing with fear, and mostly, utter confusion.

Definitely confusion.

* * *

Fred was now asleep on the couch while Gunn and Wesley watched Cordelia walk up the stairs in silence.

"Doesn't it bother you the amount of loose ends we got in this story?" Gunn shook his head in disbelief.

"Tell me about it." Wesley echoed the black man's confusion.

"Why do you think The Slayer mentioned an Hospital in her message? Doesn't that intrigue you in any way, shape or form?" Gunn inquired, staring at the answering machine.

"Well, seeing dead people has a tendency to make people think you're crazy." Wesley said in a patronizing tone.

"They had her committed??" Gunn exclaimed.

"That's what Willow said when Cordy called back." Wesley said, joining Gunn in his answering machine staring contest. "I think it's a good thing we've all agreed not to tell Cordelia's family about Emily's whereabouts. . . " Wesley mused as they both kept staring at the phone silently.

* * *

Angel sat at the young girl's bedside, trying to make sense of all the thoughts that ran through his mind whenever he looked at her. He didn't know her. He'd never met her before, nor had Cordelia ever talked about her before she arrived in a theatrical manner on their doorstep. Why did he feel she was there just as much for him as she was for Cordy? Why did he get this strange feeling from her?

The room bathed in semi-darkness as he watched her sleep for a moment.

After a little while, Emily began to stir and open her eyes slowly. The exhausted look on her face seems to disappear a little when she noticed Angel sitting in a chair beside her. A tiny, weak smile spread across her face as she greeted him in typical teenage fashion.

"Hey. . . " she whispered softly.

"Hey. . . "

He returned her smile, with less radiance, but still.

Emily swallowed with difficulty, taking notice of how dry her mouth and throat felt all of a sudden. Her eyes looked around the room silently at first and she then turned back to face Angel.

"Where's Cordy?" she asked in a quiet, even tone.

"She's resting – finally." Angel answered in all simplicity.

The look in Emily's eyes seemed to wise, so old, so. . . He didn't know how it seemed. It was just striking. Like she knew more than anyone should be allowed to know. Wise beyond her years.

"She spent this whole time here didn't she?" Emily asked, already knowing Angel's answer.

One look at him and she knew that Cordy had stayed at her bedside for hours before finally being convinced to get some rest for herself. She needed it.

"She's worried."

"She shouldn't be." Emily gently replied. "Everything's going to turn out alright now."

Their voices were nothing more than dove-like whispers.

"How do you know?" Angel said, his eyes growing darker for an instant.

"Have faith." She told him in a serene tone of voice that seemed to hypnotize him for a few seconds.

"I'm not sure I know how to do that anymore. . . " he confessed out loud, not really meaning for her to hear it but she did.

Emily looked at his lowered face and she exhaustingly smiled to herself.

"It'll come back to you." She whispered. "All in good time." She added as his eyes looked up to her once again.

Curiosity.

Intrigue.

He held all those in his eyes as he looked at her. He couldn't explain it.

"What's this?" Angel asked as he looked down at the girl's hand.

"Errm. . . tattoo." She answered as if it was obvious.

He looked down at the drawing tattooed in the palm of her left hand.

A cross and a rosary.

"Why would you have that tattooed on your hand?" he asked despite himself.

"Hello?? I DO live on the Hellmouth." She said with wide eyes. "You never know who you're going to meet in Sunnydale nowadays. This can be a very powerful weapon." She grinned cleverly.

Angel nodded, impressed.

"They didn't have that when I was there." He said, his tone obviously praising her logic.

"New trend." She simply replied.

A long silence followed this little exchange. Angel looked down, pondering whether to ask his next question or not.

He had to.

He knew Cordelia wouldn't. He had to do it.

"You didn't come here to be saved, did you?" Angel finally asked after a long silence.

Emily stayed silent, looking down at her hands for what seemed like forever.

"I can't be saved." She replied in a heartbreaking, rusty voice, never looking up from her hands. She paused, a sad smile crossing her face. "I'm not sure I want to." She whispered.

The look on her face. The sound of her voice.

Angel had trouble believing that this young girl lying on the bed in front of him was only 17 years old. That familiar thing in her eyes. He finally put his finger on it. That strength. That courageous face that served as a shield for the pain. That typical eyebrow-raising technique that was so reminiscent of Cordelia's tendencies.

That's it.

She reminded him of Cordelia.

Same hair. Same eyes. Same personalities.

Cordelia walked through the corridor towards the room she and Angel had put Emily in. She was still reeling from the vision. Or was it a dream? She didn't know. It had scared her, she knew that much. She approached the room when she heard voices.

"You care a lot about her don't you?" Emily's voice was heard asking. There was no answer. "Cordy, I mean." She specified.

Cordelia slowed down and stopped outside the door. Suddenly, she wasn't sure if she wanted to wait outside or go in. There was a little sadness in Emily's voice but mostly, there was relief.

Why relief?

Cordelia listened from the doorway.

"You don't have to answer." Emily quietly added after angel's long silence. "Just promise me one thing." She said as small tears slowly formed in the corner of her eyes.

"Sure." Angel said with a quiet nod.

"Don't let her get too scared to save herself." She finally spoke after taking a deep breath. "Please. . . " she whispered.

Angel and Emily exchanged an intense stare that was only broken by Cordelia, who finally decided to walk in.

Acting as if she hadn't heard anything, she just stood there, managed a smile and took a deep breath. Her eyes locked with Angel's for a second and she had to force herself to look away. The images of her disturbing dream suddenly came back flooding through her.

"Hi. . . .how are you?" Cordy asked, looking at Emily now.

"Good." Emily smiled.

Cordelia raised an eyebrow, not really buying Emily's tough act, but the young girl's genuine grin eased her suspicions.

"Well, good." Cordy said as she hurried towards the bed with a sudden and surprising agitation. "Get out of bed." She said as she helped the covers off of Emily's body.

"What are you doing? Why? Where are we going?" Emily breathed out the questions with a frown that mirrored Angel's.

"I think I know someone who can help you – at least a little bit." She said while shooting a look over at Angel. "A little help here Broody Boy?!"

Angel immediately helped Emily sit up on the bed and then looked at Cordy.

"You said it was too crowded in here, right?" Cordy said looking at her cousin's pale features.

"Yeah, but, Cordy. . . " she began while shaking her head. "It's too crowded everywhere these days." She confessed.

"Not where I'm taking you." Cordelia answered while she and Angel helped a confused Emily up to her feet.

* * *

"Where are we?" Emily asked.

"My apartment, you Dummy." Cordelia said in a teasing voice.

"You know, if you weren't my cousin I'd be really offended that you've been calling me that since I was five years old." She said in a long breath.

Cordelia smile one of those ‘I know' smile.

"Can you just stay here with her?" Cordelia asked Angel while she pulled out her keys.

Angel was holding on to Emily's fragile frame as they both stood behind Cordelia. On the way over there, he had figured out Cordelia's thinking.

He simply nodded.

"I just need to warn Dennis." She added, unlocking the door.

"Dennis?" Emily inquired, looking back and forth between the vampire and his seer. "Roommate? Boyfriend?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Ghost." Angel replied in a simplistic manner that nearly frightened the poor young girl.

Ghost? He had said Ghost.

"Errm. . . okay." She cleared her throat and shot a stern look at Cordelia. "Bringing me here was a good idea how again?!?" she said as a tiny fear crept into her tone.

"Don't worry." Cordy said, trying to reassure her cousin. "Dennis is going to help. He's not going to do anything to you. He's very Casper-y. Very friendly." She said trying to ease Emily's fears.

"Casper-y?" Emily repeated, not too sure about this.
"Yes, very helpful and such an attentive roommate, unlike others. . . " Cordy said shooting a side-ways look at Angel.

"I can be attentive. . . " he said on the defensive.

"Don't worry, just give me a minute." She said, walking into the apartment by herself.

* * *

Later that night. . .

"Thanks Angel." Cordy said as she walked him to the door.

"Anytime." He said turning back to face her.

He paused, looking at her with worried eyes.

"Are you sure you want to stay here by yourself with her? I mean, at the hotel it seemed more. . . more. . . " he stumbled on his thought there.

"More crowded?" she tried to finish his thought. Not exactly the word he had in mind but he realized that she was right. "Angel, I know what I'm doing. Dennis can protect her here. At least for now." She said in a soft voice. "He's not going to let any ghost or spirit walk in here so. . . "

They both looked over at Emily, sitting on the couch and chatting with an invisible Dennis. Angel and Cordelia raised their eyebrows when they saw Emily burst into laughter all of a sudden.

Weird.

"They seem to be getting along. . . " Angel acknowledged with a small grin.

"We'll be fine Angel." She said after a short pause.

"If you need anything. . . "

"I know, I know. . . Now go!" she said with a hand gesture. "Go be a big bad Vamp and do whatever it is that vamps do. . . " she paused and tilted her head and frowned at her own words. "Well, not big and bad in a ‘grr' way of course, but. . . you know." He smiled. "So go and brood a little as you broody boys like to do." She smiled as he stood in the doorway.

She lifted herself up on her toes and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a small hug, obviously surprising him.

"Thank you." She whispered in his ear before pulling away and shooting him a smile.

Emily watched the scene unfold before her eyes and simply watched in silence. She saw Cordelia close the door behind Angel. She saw Cordelia drag herself back to the couch, silently. Always in silence.

Cordelia sat on the floor and leaned her back against the couch, grabbing one of the ancient books she had borrowed from Wesley and throwing herself into it. Emily watched her as she lied on the couch, her tired and fragile muscles aching at the simple thought of moving. There was a long silence while Emily stared at her cousin with an apologetic look in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Emily finally spoke in a dejected utterance.

Cordelia looked up from her book, a little taken aback.

"Why?"

"All of this." She whispered back.

"Nonsense." Cordelia argued in a determined tone. "Okay, so you didn't really catch me in my best week, and it's not like we're taking full advantages of LA's overrated fun circle, but, details, details, details. . . " Cordelia said. "I'm not sorry you're here. I'm actually glad you are." She said with a specific honesty that Emily recognized, and acknowledged with a nod. "Now, if we can just find some way to change that whole cursed with Powers issue that us Chase girls seem to be plagued with. . . " she said, flipping the pages of the book she held in her hands.

"Cordy. . . " Emily said, her smile suddenly fading.

"You know, I think those All-Mighty People have underestimated the power of Cordelia Chase's icy stare. Not the first ones though. . . " she said, purposely ignoring Emily's words.

"Cordy don't do this." Emily said, interrupting her cousin.

Cordelia paused and sighed as she lowered her eyes.

"You won't find anything in those books." She added as Cordelia sat there, immobile. "You won't because I looked. I did. But you know what? That's okay. I don't' want you to focus your energy on saving me. That's not why I'm here."

"Then why?" Cordy asked, turning to face Emily. "Then why are you here?" she repeated, nearly choking on the words.

"Because one of us deserves to be save." Emily said as she stared at Cordelia's face.

"What is that supposed to mean??" Cordy blurted out as a confused look came across her face.

"Let's just say that I've extended my area of expertise when it comes to my power." Emily said. From the look in Cordelia's eyes, she felt compelled to continue. "I'm just like you – in so many more ways that you think – but the difference is that I never found what you found here." She said throwing her hands in the air as she looked around. "I'm a Chase too, you know." She said as a glimpse of regret filled her words. "I know what that can do to a kid. It's not a family, it's a prison that we have. But what you got here. . . I never found that in SunnyHell. All I really had was this power. And I got into it. Whenever the Powers needed a hand with something, I was there." Emily quietly and carefully tried to explain without revealing too much.

"I don't get it. . . " Cordelia whispered, shaking her head.

"I gave them a hand whenever they needed some extra favor, or some help with some things. . . even if it had nothing to do with my Crossroad Power." Emily explained. "Let's just say that they owe me big." She laughed softly. "And trust me, I'll collect."

"Then do it now!" Cordy exclaimed in a louder voice. "Ask them to give you back your normal life!"

"No. . . " Emily quietly replied.

"Why not??" Cordy's voice sounded slightly angry for some reason now.

"I made a deal with them." Emily whispered almost to herself.

"What kind of deal?"

"It doesn't matter. . . " she replied as Cordelia stared at her with a glimpse of desperation in her eyes. "It doesn't matter what kind of deal I made with them. . . I've known for a long time that I can't be saved from this." She said.

A long silence invaded the room as Cordelia sat back down on the floor, exhausted by the information Emily had just dumped on her.

"But you can." Emily whispered after a while.

Her voice.

Low yet knowing all at once.

Cordelia looked at her, a mix of emotion running through her.

"You can be saved. You and I both know that." She said as she sat up on the couch slowly.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Cordelia turned away from her cousin, avoiding the discerning look she was throwing her way.

"Yes, you do. I know they told you." Emily spoke, looking at the back of Cordelia's head. "He can save you."

A silence invaded the room.

"Don't be afraid to let yourself be saved." Emily whispered, almost in a pleading voice as Cordelia stared down at the floor in front of her.

--

CHAPTER 5 – Please Remember. . .

"You don't understand. . . " Cordelia suggested, rising up to her feet and turning her back on Emily.

She felt her heart tremble as she inhaled deeply. She had tried to push these thoughts out of her head for a while now. She had to. She appeared to be highly unsuccessful at it though. But she was trying.

God knows she was trying.

"You didn't tell them. . . They don't know that their answer is right in front of them, do they?" Emily supposed, staring at the back of her cousin.

"Who's them?" Cordelia lied with a fake sigh.

She knew exactly who Emily was referring to by them. Emily stayed silent, knowing perfectly well that Cordy wasn't [b]that[/b] dumb. She pretended to be in this particular instance, but Emily knew better.

Something moved on the table in front of them. A picture.

A picture of Angel, Cordy, Fred, Gunn and Wesley was slowly turned around, so it could face Cordelia, by an invisible hand that both girls guessed belonged to Dennis.

Cordelia looked at the picture Dennis had purposely pointed out to her and felt her heart break into millions of tiny little pieces.

"So, Dennis is siding with you now. . . " she said before looking upwards and sighing. "Thanks Dennis." She mumbled.

* * *

Fred sat, alone, on the floor of the Hyperion. For some reason, she didn't feel all that tired. The nap she'd taken a couple of hours before had helped. Now, the guys were beat and she was still sitting there, going through some books, all by her lonesome. She heard Angel come in but didn't say a word. The thoughtful – dare she say broody? – expression on his face held her back from saying anything that might make him uncomfortable. She watched him climb up the stairs slowly and then peeked back into her book.

She flipped a couple of pages, nonchalantly, and then her eyes widened. A gasp escaped her throat.

She wasn't sure what she was looking at, but she sure knew it didn't look good for them.

"Oh my God. . . " she whispered as she looked at a picture of fifty Crossroad demons surrounding one of theirs, like a wall.

The picture showed an injured demon, lying on the ground, while the others stood around, watching him.

Something about that picture gave Fred the chills.

* * *

Cordelia was still standing up in the middle of the living room when Emily rose from the couch, leaning on the back of a chair, trying to keep her balance.

"I know you're scared to lose the visions Cordy. . . "

"I'm not scared!" Cordy exclaimed with exasperation at her young cousin's perfectly right yet annoying comments. "I'm not scared to give up the visions. I'm just. . . " she paused for a moment as the realisation dawned upon her. "I just don't want to give them up." She honestly confessed.

"And you're scared." Emily pointedly insisted.

"I am not! I'm not scared!" Cordelia declared in a louder voice. "I like the visions." She stated, firmly. "Yeah, they're mind-boggling, and they hurt, and I curse them on a daily basis and they're a pain in the ass, but you know what? I like them that way. I actually do! And I don't want to give them up and go back to being poor, useless, little Cordy who can't help – ‘cause let's face it, I can't fight much except for the sword thing, I'm not a Barbie Slayer, or a witch, or a geeky computer whiz. . . On further observation, I'm not much without the visions. I don't want to go back to being on the sidelines; to being useless. To being nothing." She said, shaking her head as previously hidden emotions began to rise from within her voice. "How useful is a snippy, ex-cheerleader, huh?"

"What?!" Emily literally exclaimed at the top of her lungs. "Do you actually believe half of the junk that just came out of your mouth???" she said in pure disbelief. "God, you just reminded me in less than 30 seconds just how badly this family needs a boost in the self-esteem department. Do you actually think that? You think without the visions you're just a bitchy, useless nothing?"

Cordelia feigned a thoughtful pause filled with sarcasm.

"Well, let's see. . . why don't we run a poll among my previous friends? Better yet, why don't we ask my parents? Heck, if there was an anti-Cordy fan club out there, they'd probably be president!" she nearly spitted out, the anger of everything that was happening mounting inside of her.

Emily raised an eyebrow, as well as her voice.

"God – do you hear yourself?! So your pretend friends didn't know a thing about you – who [b]you[/b] are! And your parents are screw-up, freakin' dumbasses who can't even see what's right in front of them!" Emily spitted out, frowning. "Well, screw them! Screw all of them!" she added in an anger-filled tone that took Cordelia a bit by surprise. "I mean, look at yourself! Is that what you really see? Do you really see yourself the way that they see you? Because, you know, I remember the girl who pretended to be pissed that she had to read me bedtime stories and then started to smile once the parents were out of sight." She pointed out as Cordelia listened to her fast-paced speech. "And if your parents can't see the good that you do and the person you've become, well, it's their stupid loss. If they can't be proud of you then they don't deserve you worrying about them." She finished, shaking her head emphasizing her words.

"Are you breathing?" Cordelia asked, a little speechless for one of the very few times in her life.

Not that she'd ever admit it publicly.

"I knew I was forgetting something. . . " Emily took a deep breath.

An intense – though, much-needed – silence befell them. The two cousins looked at one another; now back to their much calmer selves.

"The visions don't make you who you are Cordy. . . the Powers don't make you." She paused, knowing Cordelia understood her point. "You have a shot at a normal life again. . . "

"What if I don't want to go back to being just plain normal?" Cordy whispered to herself softly, but Emily heard.

"It's not so much the normal part that has me worried, but more the life part that I'm really concerned about." Emily confessed.

There was a long silence and Emily felt a little dizzy. She sat back down, on the floor this time.

"Why didn't you tell them the truth?" she whispered as Cordelia sat back down on the floor beside her.

"Because I can't. If they knew, they'd want to help. They can't."

"When you say ‘they', you really mean Angel, don't you?" Emily quietly asked, trying to sound as though she wasn't prying.

"You don't know him like I do." Cordy replied in the same calmness. "If he knew about the prophecy, I know that he'd do anything to save me regardless of the consequences and I can't risk that."

"Because of the soul thing. . . "

"How would sacrificing his redemption be saving me? I know that if I told him, he'd end up not caring about the soul. I can't." Cordy said and then switching to a more Queen C voice. "And I'm not being a selfless martyr here. I'm also frightened of Angelus, so it's as much for me as it is for him, trust me."

"Well, Angel's not the only guy with demon blood on this planet." Emily thought of pointing out to her cousin.

"Okay. Stop it. Image of me com-shucking with a demon has officially creeped me out. Thank you." Cordelia grimaced.

They both paused shortly, and then looked back at one another.

"What if he didn't lose his soul?"

"Hello?? Curse. Not exactly a way around it." Cordelia replied, shaking her head.

"Well, he didn't lose it with that Darla chick. . . "

"Gee, the comparison warms my heart." Cordy said with a truckload of sarcasm and some disgust thrown in the mix.

"That's not what I meant. . . " Emily began but stopped herself, deciding not to take this further than it had to at the moment.

"I know, but I can't. The awkwardness, the risks. . . " Cordy whispered, slightly shaking her head.

"Cordy, whatever you do, just follow your instincts okay. . . Everything's going to be fine. Trust me." Emily smiled tenderly.

"How do you know so much, Em?" Cordelia asked in amazement at the amount of knowledge Emily had of her life.

"Told you. I got friends in high places. Powers and I are on a first name basis now."

Both girls smiled.

"Why is it that you seem more concerned with my life than your own?" Cordelia than asked with a glimpse of sadness in her voice.

Emily took her time to answer, pondering her words as she stared at Cordelia's tired face.

"You're the exception to the rule, I guess." She shrugged. "You give this crazy family a good name." She whispered in all honesty.

Cordy wrapped one of her arms around Emily's shoulders as the two of them sat on the living room floor in silence.

For a long time.

* * *

The days went by at a pace Cordelia would have wanted to slow down a bit. Every morning bore a fear in her mind, a growing weakness in her body, and a deep confusion in her heart.

Cordelia and Emily's conversation had never been brought up again. The words were left, lingering in Cordelia's head, but Emily never really brushed the subject again.

She knew the impact of the words had left permanent traces.

They didn't need to be repeated.

Watching Emily's health falter and deteriorate as the days went by proved to be a lot harder than any of us had expected.

For some reason, the young 17-year-old left a deep impact on the demon-fighting gang. Watching her somehow changed their perspectives on a lot of subjects. In her own simplistic, subtle way she brought life with her. Whether it was she or the Powers, something seemed to accompany her wherever she went. In her smile.

In her words.

In her way of just knowing.

Her presence opened doors that all of them had kept closed. Locked. Out of necessity. Out of fear.

She seemed to bring a light to Cordelia that had seemed faded before her arrival. Something, which never ceased to make them – especially Angel – smile.

Fred's discovery of the Crossroad Demons' tendencies whenever one of their own died didn't seem to worry nor surprise Emily – though it did the rest of them. The book mentioned how protective these demons were of their fellow warriors-of-the-good, and how they always gathered around a dying fighter. Emily had claimed that they had nothing to worry about.

At this point, they just all wanted to believe her.

As the days went by, her health began to deteriorate, and much to Angel's chagrin, so did Cordelia's. Each vision seemed to steal a little piece of her away. Even though Cordy never brought it up, he could see it.

Despite the impending heartbreak that awaited them, as they got closer to Emily, the young girl never lost her smile. It didn't fade. Not once.

Not when she explained to Fred what the symbol on her sporty necklace meant.

"It's Chinese. It means trust. I never take it off." Emily had told Fred one day, before proceeding in telling her the fascinating tale of how she had become its owner.

The smile never faltered.

Not when she discovered – and shared – Angel's passion for old movies.

Not when she witnessed Gunn singing along the radio – and when she decided to join in.

Cordelia had never seen a smile so filled with amusement on Angel's face than at that moment. Watching Gunn and Emily sing their hearts out. Angel had smiled the brightest smile ever. Cordelia would never forget that smile.

Even when Cordelia looked worried, Emily never ceased to smile along.

The smile never disappeared.

Not when she hurt. Not when she suffered. Not when she neared the end.

The smile never left her face.

It was brave, hopeful, real. Contagious even.

Until that day.

A day where everything changed.

* * *

Cordy sat on the floor in the basement of the hotel, leaning her back against the wall while Angel trained. In the last couple of months, she had joined him on occasion, but these days her health would not allow it. Nor would Angel.

She would talk to him while he listened, busy with whatever training he was doing. That didn't bother her much anymore. She had gotten used to one-sided conversations with Angel. But talking to him was reassuring. So she just did.

Angel approached her, all sweaty and serious, and sat down on the floor beside her. They both stayed silent for a while as he just sat there, staring in front of himself, just like she did, and waited.

"How are you feeling?" he finally asked, almost reluctantly.

"Angel, don't. . . " she said, crunching her nose and shaking her head.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but I want you to know that we're going to figure this thing out. They're not going to take your life. I promise you that." He said, placing a hand on her shoulder, comfortingly.

Cordelia unintentionally held her breath for a second. She lowered her eyes, feeling his hand on her shoulder.

A guilty feeling crept up inside of her.

Angel felt her shiver under his fingers and he saw the expression on her face change. He wasn't sure what it was but she suddenly seemed sad as she bowed down her head momentarily.

"What?" he asked, sensing something wasn't right.

"Did you feel that?" she said, eying her shoulder.

"The shiver?" he asked with a frown.

Cordelia nodded gently.

"It's stupid. I mean, how many times does a person shiver every day?" she asked, her eyes already filled with invisible tears – ones she refused to let flow. "Now, I can't shiver without thinking about Emily. I keep thinking about this ancient myth that said every time a person shivers it means some sort of spirit went through them. . . I keep thinking about how suffering a simple thing like that has become for her. . . " she said, not making sure her words made sense at the moment.

"Yeah. . . " Angel whispered, leaning his head back on the wall as he stared into the dusty room.

"I feel a stupid shiver and for her it's like an earthquake." Cordy whispered, joining him in his silent stare.

"She's strong." Angel said after a long silence. "Like you." He added, catching a glimpse of her thoughtful profile.

* * *

Fred, Gunn and Wesley all began panicking as they noticed the gooey beasts starting to surround the hotel and pound on the walls and doors.

Emily, who had been lying down on the couch, got up and painfully made her way to the door that led to the basement. Wesley protested, not wanting her to tire herself, but she didn't listen.

Her heart began beating so fast she could barely feel it anymore. She had trouble breathing, and even more so standing up. She grabbed the walls as if they were her lifeline.

She could feel it.

Gunn, Wesley and Fred watched her and realized what was going on when they heard her talking to herself.

Ghost.

They rushed towards the door but Emily had already gone down the stairs.

Cordelia and Angel both jumped to their feet when they saw a tearful Emily stumble into the room and fall on her knees helplessly.

"Emily!" Cordelia exclaimed as she threw herself down on the floor with her cousin.

Angel's eyes looked up and through the small windows, he noticed the demons surrounding them.

"Cordy. . . " Emily whispered in a desperately pleading voice.

Cordelia helped the young teenager up to her feet but she could barely walk. Emily leaned on Cordy's shoulder, grabbing Cordelia's t-shirt with her hands.

"What's happening?" Cordelia asked, seeing Gunn, Wesley and Fred rush into the basement and locking the door.

"Errm. . . .should we fight them?" Fred asked as she looked at the demons through the window.

"No!" Emily said in a voice that simply could not reach the loudness she had hoped for due to her weakness.

"Emily. . . " Cordelia whispered as her eyes locked with her cousin's.

Emily's eyes filled with both, tears and courage. Cordy felt her heart break as she glanced between the demons and Emily's face. Emily was breathing heavily now and when the girl let go of her to face an invisible creature, they all knew what was happening.

"No!!" Angel shouted as he felt the ghostly force throw itself on Emily.

As soon as the shout had escaped his throat, Emily fell backwards, grabbing Cordelia's t-shirt and holding on for her life. An agonizing cry escaped her as both women fell down to the floor. Emily's body began shaking and Angel could hear her faltering heart begin to quicken.

"C. . . Cor. . . " Emily tried to breathe out but she barely could.

"No. . . " Cordelia said, cradling her cousin's head on her lap. "No. . . no. . . .Don't you dare die on me. . . " Cordelia whispered through her teeth as she caught the fearful look in Emily's eyes. "Don't you dare die on me or I'll kick your ass. . . I will. . . " Cordy added as her eyes filled with tears.

"Don't. . . don't be af. . . afraid. . . " Emily managed to say as her grip tightened around Cordelia's hand.

She grabbed Cordelia's other hand with hers and placed something inside of it, then closed it and as she began to run out of air, she let one small tear roll down her face.

Her eyes never left Cordelia's. . . .until they closed and her body stopped shaking.

"Emily. . . Em. . . " Cordy let out as tears now rolled freely down her face.

Gunn, Wesley, Fred and Angel stood around them, at a fair distance, speechless and immobile.

Angel closed his eyes in pain as he heard the last beat of Emily's heart. It rang in his ears like a drum. . . .and then nothing. Nothing. Silence, except for Cordelia's tears.

Cordelia grabbed her cousin's motionless body and brought it closer to her, refusing to let it go. She closed her eyes as a bright flash of light suddenly shot out of Emily's body, blinding them for a moment.

When they opened their eyes, the room bathed in a bright yellow light.

"I'm okay." A voice was heard from behind Cordelia.

Angel turned around almost at the same time Cordy did, only to see Emily, surrounded by a bright yellow light, standing there in front of them.

"Oh my God. . . " Fred couldn't help but whisper at the sight of the young girl's spirit.

"I'm okay." She repeated as she stared at Cordelia, who was still holding Emily's body in her arms.

The look on Cordy's face was pure confusion, shock, sadness. . . a mix of everything humanly possible spread across her face.

"Cordy. . . " Emily spoke in a peaceful voice. "Don't be afraid." She said.

"H-How. . . " Cordy managed to let out.

"I've got my ways." Emily smiled. "Everything's going to be alright. . . trust me." She then said in a calm, heavenly tone. "Just trust me. Don't be afraid to save yourself. Everything's going to be alright. I've got it covered. Just trust me. . . " she said as she took a small step back.

Cordelia nearly jumped to stop her but she didn't.

"Just trust me. . . " Emily's voice faded as the image of the young girl began to disappear. "Everything will be alright. . . " they heard as the room became dark once again.

They all stayed there, in shock and Wesley raised his eyes to the windows. Strange painful cries were heard from outside as he saw the Demons begin to leave.

Angel, for his part, never left Cordelia out of his sight. His eyes were riveted on the young woman, cradling her cousin's body in her arms.

There, in the middle of the room, Cordelia wrapped her arms around Emily's lifeless body and closed her eyes, tightening her grip around the small necklace Emily had placed into her hand earlier.

* * *

The sun was shining brightly as the entire Chase family stood in the middle of the Sunnydale cemetery, as they lowered down Emily's coffin. A tear fell from Cordelia's eyes as she watched the remaining of her cousin disappear into the opened earth.

Gunn, Wesley and Fred stood beside her, eyes lowered, dressed in black, and silent as the sun was slowly beginning to go down.

In the remaining sunlight, something sparkled from Cordy's neck.

A necklace.

Emily's ‘trust' necklace.

A small tear fell from Cordy's eye as she locked eyes with her mother, who was standing at a reasonable distance from her.

The priest was talking but she couldn't hear. People were crying but she couldn't notice. Her tired, mourning eyes were staring at her parents, who had not said a word to her since her arrival. They looked away as Cordelia lowered her eyes, resigned.

People began to walk away, but she didn't move. Her eyes were staring out into the sunset, absent, distracted. . . She felt a hand land on her shoulder, carefully. She turned slightly enough to see Willow standing behind her, trying to awkwardly say something comforting. She turned her eyes back to the sunset, not bothering to say a word.

One by one, Willow, Xander, even Giles, came up to her and said a few words that she didn't really hear. She wasn't really listening.

Buffy stood beside her in silence and looked at Cordelia's tearful, pale face. Unlike the others, words failed her.

The two of them stayed there for a while, staring at the coffin being lowered still, not speaking one word to one another.

After a while, she placed her hand on Cordy's arm, awkwardly, and then walked away.

He saw her, standing there all by herself, as he stayed in the shadows. They were all leaving her.

Alone.

He saw Mr. And Mrs. Chase approach her from behind.

Cordelia's eyes locked with her parents and they just all stared at one another.

From a distance, he didn't hear what they told her. He just watched, unable to step outside of the shadows. Cordelia just stared at them, a tear rolling down her face as he saw Mrs. Chase's mouth move to say something.

Angel leaned against a tree and saw the accusing look on Cordelia's father's face right before the two walked away from her.

They all left. Even Gunn, Fred and Wesley.

They all left, but she didn't.

She stayed.

Never moving. Just staring in front of her, above the hole in the earth that would hold Emily's body from now on. She just looked up at the sun and waited.

She was just waiting, all by herself in the cemetery now.

Angel reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope that had his name written on the back of it. It had already been opened, and read. He had definitely read it, and if he'd had a heart, it would have stopped beating when he read the words.

Even from afar, he saw the pain on Cordelia's face. She could hide it all she wanted from the others, but he saw it.

And he waited, too.

The sun had now gone down, and for some odd reason, Cordy had not moved an inch. She was still just standing there, with her hair pulled up with a simply clip, a few strands of hair falling on the side of her face.

She felt him walk up to her in the newfound darkness.

She closed her eyes when she felt him stand right behind her.

"Why are you still here?" he whispered in a low voice.

"I knew you'd come." Cordy said, opening her eyes again.

Angel stepped even closer to her, and now he could feel the mourning sound of her heartbeat. It was calm, rhythmic.

He felt a lump gravitate in his throat as he looked at her profile, his shoulder brushing hers. His face conveyed a mix of emotion that included compassion, pain, fear. . . sadness even.

He knew his voice would not be able to comfort her.

He wasn't sure if his mere presence would either, but she seemed at ease with him standing beside her.

Angel lowered his eyes and took an unnecessary breath.

"Why didn't you tell me. . . ?" he then whispered as his eyes bore into the ground.

Cordelia closed her eyes as a tear rolled down her cheek.

She knew what he was talking about.

She could feel it.

She sighed through her tears and glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. At the lost look he saw on her face, he didn't need an answer. He saw the hesitation, the fear. He saw everything.

She finally turned to face him and his un-beating heart broke when he met her sad eyes.

As if everything had been said in this long silence, Angel just wrapped his arms around her and held onto her. Cordelia automatically wrapped her arms around his neck and just held him back, as they both stayed there, in the middle of the dark cemetery.

From a distance, standing near the trees, Buffy watched them, before lowering her eyes and walking away.

Song Credits: "Ode To My Family" by The Cranberries.

CHAPTER 6 – Secret Understanding

None of them seemed to really know what to say at the time. They just looked at each other, questions dangling off their tongues, but all they seemed able to do at the time was stay silent.

It was killing Fred.

It had been two hours now, and already half an hour since she, Wesley and Gunn had decided to retrieve themselves from the conversation. Their presence wasn't crucial, and quite frankly, it made them a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Fred, Wesley and Gunn stood around the couch, quietly glancing at the stairs once in a while, in unbearable silence.

"Why didn't she say anything before??" Fred finally let out, unable to keep going like this for another minute.

Both Gunn and Wesley kept their eyes lowered for a moment.

"You know Angel. . . " Wesley stated in a calm tone. "That's why." He then added as his voice sounded almost sad.

"Because he can save her. . . " Fred pondered out loud.

"Yes." Wesley thoughtfully replied. "Because he can. Because he'll do anything to." He added, staring at the staircase, pensively. "Cordelia had her reasons for not saying anything, and though sadly so, they were good ones. And Angel is the primary one as well." He regretfully spoke, putting his glasses back on.

The short silence that followed appeared to give them some time to process Wesley's words. Gunn looked up, arms crossed against his chest and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, at least he explained that whole curse stuff again. . . with more specifics this time around." Gunn said, looking back and forth between Fred and Wesley. "I didn't know it wasn't the sex. Did you know it wasn't the sex?" he pointed towards Fred who shrugged. "How come I was the last to know it wasn't sex?? I should have been told about that small detail." He said with a pensive nod.

"It may not matter." Wesley swallowed loudly.

"What do you mean?" Fred inquired, while both she and Gunn stared at Wesley questioningly.

"Angel went out of his way to explain about that whole Gypsy Curse thing, making it crystal clear that chances are nothin' would happen. . . " Gunn pointed out, getting worried. "He said he lost it with the Slayer because he was madly and passionately in love with the chick. . . it wasn't the intimacy. . . ." He added, his tone growing very concerned.

"He said the emotions, not the act." Fred frowned, questioning Wesley still.

"You sayin' he lied, man??" Gunn exclaimed.

"No." Wesley absent-mindedly answered and then looked at them straight in the eyes. "At least not intentionally." He said, as Fred looked confused for a moment. "What I mean is, you know Cordelia. If Angel had expressed out loud, in front of her, that yes there is a chance he'll lose his soul, what would she have said?" he said as if the answer was obvious.

"Not better now. She's gonna beat the crap out of him. She's not dumb, she knows the risk." Gunn said, raising his eyebrows at the thought of Cordy mad.

"Not dumb. Scared." Wesley somberly spoke. "And so is Angel." He added as another painful silence invaded the hotel.

* * *

The room, lit by a single light in one of the bedroom's corner, bathed in quietness. The intensity in the room could have been sliced with a kitchen knife.

Angel sat in a chair near the bathroom door, dressed in black, as usual, and still wearing his leather jacket. Meanwhile, Cordelia was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking rather pale and exhausted, dressed in jeans, a white top covered by a light blue, long-sleeved shirt. She was holding her head with both hands, leaning her elbows against her knees, as they both drowned in the awkward soundless room. Cordy ran her hands through her shoulder-length hair and looked up as their eyes met.

Even in the poorly lit room, they could see each other's faces perfectly.

"You're not thinking clearly Angel." She whispered in an exasperated sigh.

"I am. . . " he replied, thinking of something else to say, but she thought faster than he did.

"No, you're not." She said as her eyes bore into his from across the room. "This is not an option for you. We have already gone over this. . . we've gone over it. . . and over and over and over it again in the last two hours." She said, getting up and turning her back on him.

Angel slowly rose from his chair as well and walked closer to her. He stood behind her now.

"Cordy. . . " His voice was so pained. Desperate almost. It was tugging at her heart.

"Angel, you're not thinking about the consequences. . . " she said through her teeth as if she wanted to emphasize what he'd be risking.

She turned around to face him.

"Yes I have! It would be saving you!" he exclaimed as he grabbed her arms softly, but with an air of despair.

"Among other things, yes. . . " she said, emphasizing each word to make sure he got her drift. "Angel. . . " she ran her hands through her hair again. "We're best friends. This could be. . . awkward." She said, trying a different approach. "And, hello?!? There's the matter of your curse here – and I know how you've gone out of your way to make me not worry about it, but I do. Thank goodness that I do, because one of us has to, since you obviously decided to forget about that tiny detail." She said. "You need to think about this. . . " she almost pleaded.

"I have thought about it." He whispered in a heartbreaking tone.

Their eyes met and Cordelia found herself unable to tear her eyes away from Angel's and she saw a small tear behind his intense stare. They intensely stared at one another as a mutual sense of fear hammered at their hearts.

"Cordy. . . " his voice was pleading for her to listen.

"Angel, don't. . . " she shook her head and moved away from him, trying to avoid looking into his face.

"Fine. Then you'll let me call Lorne." He said, louder.

"What for?!" she spun around from the other side of the bedroom.

"To find a way through that portal and to get Groo's butt over here." Angel said almost reluctantly. "He can save you, will you sleep with him?"

"No!!!" Cordelia exclaimed, clearly insulted, as her wide eyes stared at Angel in disbelief. "I am not sleeping with Groo – not matter how pinchable his butt may be – and. . . Angel. . . " she stammered. "Argh!!" she groaned, throwing her hands in the air.

Angel took a few steps towards her.

"You're not afraid of angelus, Cordy. . . .you're just afraid to lose the visions." He deducted as she shook her head, silently denying his accusation. "But, they're killing you. . . " he breathed out.

Cordelia took a deep breath and stared at Angel, gently placing her hands on both of his arms, as if she was addressing a little boy. But he wasn't a little boy. She knew that. He was a man. . . desperate to save her.

"Angel, listen to me. . . " she slowly spoke. "This is so typical of you." She tried to control her voice, not sure if she was angry or scared by now. "It's so typical Angel Behavior! But Angel, this isn't something that you can just feel your way into. . . "

She stopped at his wide-eyed expression and frowned.

"Oh – Can we please keep our minds out of the gutter here!" she insisted as she sat back down at the edge of the bed. An apologetic look spread across Angel's face before he sat down next to her.

"Angel. . . " she whispered, looking down at her hands, back to her previous seriousness. "What I'm saying is that you can't just jump into the save-Cordy boat without thinking of the repercussions. Not this time." She spoke as her voice nearly choked on the words. She looked up and Angel saw the tears in her eyes. "This isn't cutting a guy's hand off, or freeing a man from hell." She added, intently staring into his dark eyes. "The beast you could be freeing. . . we may never be able to get him back in h ere." She whispered, touching his chest with her fingers.

He felt a lump in his throat as he looked back into her tear-filled eyes.

"I won't let you die, Cordy. . . " he whispered back, placing his hand over hers. "I can't." his face covered with fear. "Don't ask me to. . . "

* * *

Gunn sat on the left side of the big couch, a crossbow in hand, staring in front of himself. Fred sat right next to him with a stake resting on her lap, also staring, while Wesley sat on the right side of the couch, holding an ancient dagger as he joined his friends in their staring contest.

Another hour had passed.

"What do you guys think is going on now?" Fred let roll off her tongue.

They all looked at one another, very awkwardly, and then turned back to their previous positions.

"Knowing them. . . .they're probably still talking it out. Going back and forth about. . . " he stopped himself when he felt four wide eyes resting on him. "I mean. . . " he stumbled upon his error in wording.

"Long silences. Lots of brooding. Lots of snippy, misplaced comments. And lots of. . . .awkwardness." Gunn concluded as an answer to Fred's question.

They all stared in front of themselves once again, in silence.

"Was that about the two of them or the three of us?" Fred frowned at Gunn.

* * *

they had been talking – and thinking – for another hour now. It seemed like forever since Fred, Wesley and Gunn had slipped out of the conversation. Neither Angel, nor Cordelia, could blame them for it though.

They were both still sitting on the bed, slightly facing each other now, seemingly deep in a serious discussion.

"How can you be so sure?" she asked, not really certain if she wanted an answer or not.

"Because, it's not about the intimacy itself. . . .it's not the. . . ." He stumbled on his words. "You know. . . " he said instead. "It's about the feelings. I was so passionately in love with Buffy and that's why Angelus took over and I lost my soul. . . " he explained for what seemed to be the millionth time.

"So. . . " Cordy began, rising from the bed and standing a couple of feet in front of him. "Since there's none of that mushy stuff between us – obviously – chances are you wouldn't get the big forbidden happy. . . " she theorized, sounding a little distant.

"Yes! That's what I'm saying!" Angel responded, thinking it was what she wanted to hear, but then he mentally berated himself for just how cruel that had sounded.

She looked at him for a moment with a strange expression on her face.

"Gee – was that supposed to be a turn on?" She asked as she raised an eyebrow, in a way that only she could. "If so, you're failing horribly at it." She added.

"It's not. . . what I'm trying to say is that no matter what, everything's going to be fine." He said, getting up and walking towards her, taking her hands into his, slowly. "You will be fine." He whispered in a low, caring tone.

Those words again.

She so desperately wanted to believe them.

There was a short silence between them.

"Angel, what if. . . "

He didn't let her finish.

"There will be no what if."

"But what if there is a what if?"

"There won't!"

"There could be a what if. What if there is a what if? I need to know what to do if there is a what if Angel!"

"This is getting confusing."

"Very."

Their breathless exchange was so fast-paced that it left them both taken aback and nervous. They stared at one another for a while before Angel moved towards his dresser. Cordelia watched him reach inside a drawer and take something out. Angel slowly walked back towards her and placed a stake in her hands.

"Uh. . . Angel, I'm not into that kinky stuff. . . " a wide-eyed Cordy said, staring at Angel.

He looked at her, perfectly knowing that her sarcasm and humor only served to mask her nervousness.

"You know what to do if there is a what if. . . " he whispered, closing her hands over the stake.

"You said there wouldn't!" she cried out loud, not really knowing why.

"Cordy. . . " Angel whispered, feeling the warmth of her hands beneath his cold fingers. "If anything happens. . . I want you to use this."

"No." she said determinedly, as she stepped back.

"Cordelia. . . "

"This is wrong." She said, shaking her head.

"The visions will kill you Cordy! I won't let what happened to Emily happen to you!" he argued.

"Fine." Cordy said, throwing her arms in the air. "Fine! You want to take the visions away?? Fine!! Go right ahead. . . . Come on, let's get this thing over with." She dared him, standing tall before him.

Her tone was severe but her eyes mirrored the depth of her vulnerability and fears. They were red with tears that she so desperately tried to hide. She stared at him, waiting.

His heart broke.

* * *

"I can't imagine how awkward this must be for them. . . " Gunn said.

"Well, they're very close already. . . " Fred countered.

"Not [b]that[/b] close!" Wesley pointed out.

"And, let's face it. . . .they're both very easy on the eyes so the physical part of the whole thing should be no problem." Fred theorized as the guys stared at her.

"I don't think we should talk about this. Should we be talking about this? I don't want to talk about this." Gunn finally said as the imagery invaded his head.

* * *

Angel looked into her eyes and he felt a tugging at his un-beating heart.

"Come on. . . show me what you got. . . " she said as her voice trembled despite her best efforts.

Angel's voice broke as he spoke.

"I'm not going to force myself on you. . . or force you to be saved."

"You're not. I'm willing. See? This is me being willing. Willingness is pouring out of me right now." Her voice seemed a bit frustrated.

"Cordy. . . " his tender whisper calmed her anger.

They shared a highly emotional stare and held it for a while.

Cordy's head dropped as a tear rolled down her face. She slowly went to sit on the bed while Angel stood in the middle of the room, silently.

"Angel. . . " she whispered apologetically. She held her head between her hands. "I'm scared. I'm just. . . "

She didn't have to continue. He could hear it in her voice. In her breathing. In the beating of her heart.

"I would do anything before I let anyone hurt you, even the Powers. You know that."

A tear fell from Cordelia's eyes as she watched him.

"That's why. That's why I didn't tell you. I knew you would say that." Angel's eyes filled with realization and pain.

"I watched you hold Emily while she died. . . in your arms. . . Don't ask me to do the same with you. . . " his voice broke and Cordelia saw the tears hidden in his eyes. Real tears. "I can't watch you die."

She looked at him and then lowered her eyes, breathing a tiny sigh of relief. Was it relief? How could she be relieved? She didn't care. She just was. They shared a long pause before Cordelia looked up again.

"I won't be able to stake you. . . " she then whispered, throwing the stake on the floor.

"You'll know what you have to do. . . " he whispered, staring at her from across the room.

"I can't do this. . . .stake you. . . "

"You won't have to. . . I'll be fine." He said, waiting for her answer, expectantly.

Emily had promised it. Now Angel was promising it too.

Cordelia looked into his eyes and a certain mixture of emotion came over her.

"Okay. . . " she finally whispered, with a new trusting expression on her face.

"Okay. . . " Angel repeated as they looked at one another, awkwardly at first.

"So. . . " "So. . . " they both said at the same time.

Angel was standing near the door while Cordelia was still sitting on the bed.

"So I guess we just. . . do it." Cordy nervously spoke as they both stood still for a moment. "Let's just do it. . . " she added, beginning to unbutton her shirt.

He saw her trembling hands and immediately walked towards her. Kneeling on the floor before her, he put his hands over hers, tenderly stopping her.

His touch was screaming at her "not this way. . . "

He felt the warmth of her hands beneath his and took an unnecessary breath.

"I never thought I would say this but I really hope this will be your worst sexual experience. . . .ever." she spoke in her typical Cordy voice.

Anything to avoid the big happy she feared.

Angel gave her a soft smile.

That would be impossible." He whispered.

"Right." Cordy acknowledged. "You did have Darla." She nervously said, still holding his hands into hers.

Cordelia was looking down at their hands, not moving. Not speaking. She closed her eyes and quietly listened to her own heartbeat for a few seconds. She then opened her eyes and looked up into Angel's waiting face.

"I don't want to hurt you. . . " she whispered as she felt one of his hands travel from her hands to her cheek, extremely slowly.

* * *

"Do you think it will be quick?" Fred inquired, once again attracting the puzzled stares of Wesley and Gunn. "Well, I mean, logic would be that cold heartless sex would be better to keep Angelus under control. . . " she defended herself as they still stared at her. "You think it'll be like that or that they will. . . you know. . . take their time. . . ?"

None of them answered as they all turned away from one another, trying to avoid looking into each other's eyes. A long silence followed and Fred felt another question coming up. . .

"Will the Powers watch?" she said as both Wesley and Gunn jerked their heads to look at her.

"What?!?" they both said in unison.

"How will they know when to do the whole transfer thing. . . I mean. . . " she grimaced at her own perverse thought. "Will they just. . . stand there and watch. . . .to determine which moan is appropriate to do the transfer?"

Wesley and Gunn both looked disturbed by the young woman's questioning.

"Boy, I so did not need that mental picture. . . " Gunn said, his face twisting as they all went back to staring.

* * *

Kneeling before her, Angel brought his right hand to Cordelia's cheek. A serene silence took over them as they simply stared into each other's eyes.

Emily: "Everything's going to be alright. Trust me. I've got it covered."

They had rarely experienced such intensity in their lives before. It was almost calming to a certain degree. Their eyes seem to speak louder than words ever could, sharing their most private thoughts. Hidden secrets.

Silent Conversation.

Secret understanding.

She felt his other hand brush the side of her face as they stood still, as if time had stopped. It's as though the earth had stopped turning all of a sudden and there was just them. Just the two of them, moving in slow-motion.

As they just stared into one another's eyes, a silent – yet sad – understanding overcame them. If this didn't work, Cordelia would surely die. And if it did work, Angel wasn't sure he would survive. They knew that. There was no need for words. The hidden tears they saw on one another's face was enough of a conviction.

One of them would not make it. One of them would not be saved.

Angel slowly began lowered his face to hers, never breaking the intense connection with her eyes.

This was all they had. For one of them, tonight might be the last. The realization had dawned upon them.

Cordelia's heart stopped beating as their faces slowly began to close the empty space between them. Nothing was rushed. If anything, it was slow, almost calculated yet spontaneous.

Angel, cupping Cordelia's face with his strong hands, gently lowered his lips to hers in a long, emotional kiss. Her hands were not trembling anymore. Her heart was beating again. The touch of his lips on hers was enough to silence any fear that ever inhabited her. She closed her eyes and kissed him back with the same gentleness he had.

What had begun as awkward was now turning into comfort. Angel felt comfort in her kiss. Calmness. The kiss lasted for a while as they both just marveled in the emotions and the delicacy of it all. Neither of them had ever been kissed with such delicacy and it took them both by surprise.

After a moment, Angel pulled away from the kiss, staring into her eyes as if to know if this was right with her. He wanted to do this right. He needed to do this right. Not rushed. Passionate, but not rushed. He wanted to take his time.

Cordelia's eyes seemed to sparkled into the night as she quietly lifted her head up and kissed him once again with the same delicacy as before but with a bit more passion. He found himself mesmerized by her kiss, which served as her only answer to his silent questioning.

She brought her hands up to his in a slow gesture. They seemed unable – and unwilling – to move at a quicker pace, wanting to memorize every single second of this. Wanting to do this right.

The kiss slightly intensified, without ever being rushed, as he felt her tongue massage his slowly.

Cordelia brought her hands to his chest and slowly pushed the infamous leather jacket off his shoulders. He let go of her face long enough so that the jacket could slide down his arms and silently fall to the floor. His lips left hers long enough for her to breathe before she felt his mouth gently take hers again. Their tongues danced with one another, making everything around them disappear for the time being.

Angel slowly pulled away from the kiss, letting his forehead slightly brush against hers as he lowered his eyes to her blouse. With gentle hands, he finished unbuttoning the buttons of her blouse, feeling the warmth of Cordelia's breath on his face as he did so. Cordelia stared at his face, almost amazed by how soft his skin actually was for a vampire, as he slowly pushed the blouse off her body, revealing her bare shoulders.

Their eyes met in a mere instant before they kissed again. He was still kneeling on the floor before her, reveling in the touch of her lips against his. She felt his hands travel from her knees up to her waist, where they rested for a while. There was a strong desire in the way they kissed, touched, moved. . . breathed even. Yet, there was this underlying calmness to it. Cordelia, never ceasing to return his kisses, reached for the edge of his black sweater and began to pull the piece of clothing over his head. Angel helped her free himself of the unnecessary sweater and let it fall to the floor immediately.

Their eyes met in one of the most intense, emotion-filled stare they had ever shared. They didn't need any words. He could feel her heart beating faster, and strangely enough, she could see he was breathing too. He didn't even seem to notice. Their lips met once again in a steamier kiss as she let her hands massage the back of his neck. After a while, she pulled away, slightly enough so she could look into his eyes, and caught her breath. Her hands were warmly resting on h is strong and bare shoulders now. He looked back into her eyes and then lowered them to the beauty of her bare shoulders. Slowly, with a gentleness unknown to himself, he traced an invisible line on her skin with his cold fingers. He let his fingers slip under the strap of her white top and slow, ever so slowly, he pulled it down. Cordy though her heart was going to stop right there, but it didn't. Instead, it began beating even faster. There was such a comfort to Angel's touch. Such a familiarity. A rightness to it.

She felt his cool lips on her shoulder as he gently pulled the strap down, letting his fingers roam on the softness of her arm. He didn't dare kiss the warmth of her neck, somehow not wanting to scare her. She knew what he was thinking. Cordelia closed her eyes, his lips slowly coming back to hers.

This time, when they kissed, she pulled him to her, never wanting to let him go. Never wanting to let this moment go. He was touching her like she had never been touched. He was kissing her like she had never been kissed. Something inside of her wanted to be rational, and afraid, but she couldn't. It just felt right.

He carefully lowered her down on the bed and let his hands rest on her hips as she stared into his eyes. They stood like that, immobile, for a few seconds, staring at one another. There was something in her eyes. Something he never wanted to forget. Something he knew he never would.

He bent his head down once more and tasted once again the refreshing taste of her lips.

* * *

The hotel bathed in a divine silence. Fred was resting her sleepy head on Gunn's shoulder as the two men by her side slept soundly.

Still holding their weapons.

Still sitting on the couch.

They slept.

* * *

The sheets wrapped their bodies with near perfection as the rest of their unnecessary piece of clothing lied beside the bed. The simple sound of their breathing was hear in the room.

Their kissing was more desperate now. More urgent. Without losing its touch of calm sensuality, they were lost in their touch and kisses. Quite frankly, it had been a while for both of them. Yet, they seemed to at ease with one another. So perfectly entwined. The way their bodies touched, the way their hands clasped together. . . the way their mouths danced a dance only they could follow. . . they seemed oblivious to the world.

Oblivious to the risk. The consequences. The sacrifice.

Oblivious to the small blue light that surrounded them as their bodies clung to one another.

Oblivious to it all. . . except their secret understanding.

CHAPTER 7 – "You promised. . . "

Helpless.

That's what it was.

It just lied there, helplessly, on a darkened floor, in the middle of the room. As if the whole world rested upon its metaphorical shoulders. And somehow, it might.

There, a couple of inches away from Angel's leather jacket, a couple of other inches away from the bathroom door, lied the wooden, single stake.

Alone.

Waiting.

Slightly scattered across the floor were the remaining of their clothes. A light blue blouse resting at the foot of the bed; a dark sweater, cramped in a little bundle a bit further away from the bed; a pair of black pants quietly waiting on the side, near the nightstand; a classic yet comfortable pair of shoes forgotten nearby.

Everything stood still.

The clothes. The air. The sleeping body that somehow rested on the bed, a sheet covering him from the waist down.

The room bathed in a dreadfully intense silence, except for the hushed sound of running water coming from the bathroom.

The quiet, subdued sound of water.

A sound that Angel seemed to be oblivious to as he lied, eyes closed, on the empty bed.

The door to the bathroom was closed. Behind it, a thoughtful Cordelia hovered over the sink, listening to the somewhat calming sound of the rhythmic water. Constancy. Constancy that overstepped on thoughts she wasn't ready to have. Having put back on her white top and a pair of training pants she'd found on Angel's dresser, she leaned on the side of the counter, her palms feeling the coolness of it against their skin. Eyes lowered, she took a long, deep breath.

The sound of the water was reassuring to her somehow. It relaxed her. It calmed her nerves for about a split second.

Her heart began to beat faster again as the realization of what had just happened dawned on her. How had she let him convince her? How had she let him convince her that everything would be fine?

She tried to take reassurance in the fact that so far, everything was fine. Except for the obvious awkwardness that would surely follow Angel's awakening. But, no matter how she tried to think positive, she could not help the fear and thoughts from settling in her mind.

Angel.

She wasn't sure how to word the whole thing.

She had sex with Angel. She and Angel slept together. Angel had sex with her. . .

No matter how she was wording it, it made her nervous. And it sounded wrong. It didn't feel wrong, but her choice of words did. Who was she kidding? She had a pretty good understanding of what casual should have been like. What simple comfort should have felt like. How simple, heartless sex should have unfolded.

That had been n one of the above. Not that she was ready – or even wanted – to admit it at this point, but the truth seemed pretty obvious. There had been feelings. There had been emotions. There had been. . . .something. She didn't dare go as far as to uncover what that might have been.

Everything had been so slow. So gentle. So. . . not rushed. She wasn't used to not rushed. Her mind had been yelling at her to just rush things. Just do it. Quick. Without feelings. Just to save her. But it had been so delicate at first. So. . . unexpected.

What had begun as a device to save her life had turned into something she both enjoyed and feared now.

Yes. As her heart beat faster and she looked at herself up in the mirror, she uncontrollably became invaded by this urging and constant fear. She ran her hands through her hair and tied it with a small elastic, in a messy little bun.

Cordelia took a sharp breath and slowly reached for the empty glass on the side of the sink. She silently drank some water, letting the water run quietly. Ever so quietly.

Angel was sleeping. And there she was.

Just like he'd told her.

To get away. Not to stay close. Even though he'd promised her everything would be fine – just as everyone seemed to try and make her believe – she had seen in his eyes the worry. The fear. The despair to make her believe something he couldn't make himself believe in the first place.

And there she was. In the bathroom. She wasn't sure how long she'd been in there. 5 minutes? 10? 15? Probably more, she couldn't tell really.

Everything would be fine she repeated herself. No big happy. No big Angelus. . . at least not that she had seen prior to entering the bathroom. Not prior to Angel falling asleep.

Fine.

Things were fine.

Cordelia placed the glass she had just emptied in one long swallow back on the small counter. She breathed slowly and then raised her eyes towards the mirror again.

Her heart stopped as she nearly jumped in shock.

The blood froze in her veins for a moment as her eyes landed on the image of Emily standing right behind her, a look of warning imprinted on her face.

Cordy immediately turned around, trying to catch a breath of air that seemed lost to her. As soon as she spun around, the image had disappeared.

Nothing.

Nobody.

Emily was gone.

It took Cordelia a few seconds to actually calm herself down. The reflection in the mirror had taken her by surprise – and obviously had troubled her. The look in the young girl's eyes had been mysteriously disturbing. Foreshadowing something she now was back to dreading. She felt her chest rise and fall quickly as she pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear, carelessly. She closed her eyes, mentally berating herself for nearly letting herself go insane.

Cordelia turned around slowly and as she did so her eyes landed on something on the side of the sink.

Her eyes widened and her heart skipped an important beat.

It had not been there before.

She swallowed difficultly and reached for the sharp stake that now rested on the side of the sink. A growing fear began to take over her being as she took it in her hands. She heard a small noise from the other side of the bathroom door and suddenly, she really wished she had taken Angel up on his offer and just ran out of there as soon as their little "mission" had been finished.

Things are fine.

She repeated that to herself incessantly.

Unsuccessfully at that, however.

Cordelia heard the small rustle of the sheets and she instinctively tightened her grip on the stake. A lump gravitated in her throat as she turned around slowly and faced the bathroom door. Air seemed harder and harder to find by the time her eyes narrowed on the door in front of her.

She bit her lower lip, waiting. Waiting as she stared at the door. Unwilling to imagine the worst, though, unable not to.

* * *

He stirred. Not much of a move, just a stir.

His whole being was thrown up and he gasped in pain. He shot up in a seating position on the bed as an earth shattering growl escaped his aching throat. With wide eyes and pain stricken muscles, Angel fell down on the floor beside the bed.

The room spun around him. He could feel it. The hole in his chest. That emptiness in his whole being. It hurt. It ached. He felt like screaming at the top of his lungs, which cause a frightening growl from his throat.

His hands aimlessly attempted to grab the floor beneath him as he crawled to the door.

* * *

Cordelia slightly jumped back at the sound of Angel's painfully dark groans. She could feel her heart in her throat as she debated whether to open the door or not.

Her fingers were now grasping the stake with such a firm drip that it frightened her. It's as if even though she wanted to let it drop to the floor, she couldn't.

At the sound of angel bursting through the bedroom door and into the corridor, she felt her heart jump out of her chest.

* * *

Angel's body desperately fell through the door and ended up all the way across the corridor. Tears shed from his eyes. A fright somehow unknown to human kind spread across her face. He felt his muscles hit the floor with savage rage and the next thing he knew he was standing at the top of the stairs.

Feeling an impulsive anger-filled growl coming, he just threw himself forward, his body noisily and loudly crumbling down the stairs. His face hit the cold hard steps one by one until he crashed onto the floor.

Gunn, Fred and Wesley sprung from the couch, alarmed by the noise and agitation as they saw Angel rise, grabbing his chest with savage hands. As Angel rose to his feet, his eyes locked with theirs, prompting a very familiar fear in them. The yellow behind Angel's eyes was starting to appear and as Gunn pointed his crossbow towards him, Angel threw himself towards the door to the basement. An alarming cry of pain emanating from him as he crashed down the stairs in the same manner he had the previous ones.

Cordelia's frame appeared at the top of the stairs in a hurry. She rushed down the stairs as quickly as possible as she faintly heard Fred's frightened voice in the back of her head.

"Cordelia! Oh My God!" Fred exclaimed as she saw Cordelia carelessly jump the stairs two by two before barely landing on the ground. She saw Gunn and Wesley run towards the basement as they felt Angel's agonizing growl.

"Wesley!" she cried out but it was too late.

The two men had rushed downstairs, in an attempt to mobilize the beast that Angelus was quickly becoming. Cordelia harshly urged Fred back, but the look in her eyes contained a vulnerability Fred had never seen on Cordelia's face before. Cordelia heard Angel's body hit the ground and barely heard Wesley and Gunn's voices in the background.

She was still unconsciously gripping the stake that Angel had previously handed her when she fidgeted. For about two seconds. With fearful eyes aiming at the stairs, she ran towards the basement and aimlessly made her way down the stairs, fumbling through a darkness unknown to her before.

Darkness.

Everything was dark.

Nothing was fine.

She breathlessly arrived in the doorway just in time to see Gunn being thrown across the room and Wesley's head being smashed on a metal shelf. Angelus fell to the ground, in the middle of the room, his half-naked body shaking as if the life was being sucked out of him.

The life had already been sucked out of him. For a long time.

Now it was his soul.

"Angel, don't!" Cordy found herself shouting at the vampire when she saw him grab Wesley's motionless body.

He let the ex-watcher drop to the floor with such a carefree attitude that Cordelia froze. Angel's back was turned to her and for a second there, she pondered running back up the stairs, grabbing Fred and getting the hell out of there. Her muscles were numb. She was motionless.

Immobile.

Frozen.

The air stopped going in and out of her lungs and her heart momentarily stopped beating.