I Never Loved You Anyway
By Deanie

SPOILER WARNING: Up through (especially including) Lover's Walk
SUMMARY: Cordelia's thoughts post-Lover's Walk
FEEDBACK:  Pretty please?  To DeanieBTVS@aol.com

Disclaimer:  Cordelia, Xander, Buffy and Willow don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network.  I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer.  I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No
copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: "I Never Loved You Anyway" belongs to The Corrs.  Written by The Corrs and Carole Bayer Sager, from the album "Talk On Corners."

I Never Loved You Anyway

**You bored me with your stories
I can't believe I endured you for as long as I did
I'm happy it's over, I'm only sorry
That I didn't make the move before you**

What could I have possibly been thinking to go out with Xander Harris?  He was a nobody.  An unpopular, inarticulate, unintelligent slacker… Once a loser, always a loser.  Worse -- he was boring.  All of those research parties in the library - please.  I don't need that…I have a life.  I have cheerleading practice, friends, parties, and dates.  What did I get with Xander?  He kept dragging me into their undead play group, into all these plans to save the world.  And what happened to me?  I ruined highly fashionable clothes and imported Italian shoes.  I was attacked by vampires, demons, zombies and a mob of angry women.  I nearly died multiple times just because I was hanging around him.  That's not the kind of life I want. Certainly not the kind of life I deserve.

Okay, he may have been borderline cute, but his fashion sense was  non-existent.  How could he have worn those scruffy shirts and oversized pants day after day?  Looking like that, I can't believe I ever glanced twice at him.  More over, I can't believe I let myself be seen in public with him. The only time he ever looked good is that Valentine's Day when Buffy picked out his clothes.

Maybe it was magic.  That's it…he put a spell on me…one that was marginally more successful than his Valentine's spell.  I was bewitched…that's why I was attracted to him.  I never would have come close to falling for him under my own power.

I really should have broken up with him long ago.  He was a clown, never serious about anything.  He always put me down and made me the butt of his jokes.  He didn't pay nearly enough attention to me.  I don't know what I was thinking, believing that I had feelings for him…that I…that I loved him…I must have been out of my mind.  Now, I'm only sorry that he's the one who
broke up.  I should have should have finished it long before he ever got a chance to cheat on me.  Especially when there are so many other guys that are more worthy of me.  I should have dumped Xander months ago.

**I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away**

I mean me, Cordelia Chase, A-list girl, undercover brain, May Queen -- love Xander "King of Cretins" Harris.  I don't think so.  It was a temporary delusion.  So what if he risked his saved my life to save me that one time I was held captive by Darryl Epps…Any guy could do that.  So what if he rescued me from Jojo, the dog-faced date-from-the-Hellmouth on Halloween.  So what if he gave me his jacket and protected me from the costume monsters.  It's not like he's the only guy who could do that.  And it's not like he was doing it because he cared so much for me.  Xander is more likely to rush to die for his beloved Buffy or his wonderful Willow than for me.  I was never first with him…

It's a good thing I never really fell in love with him.  Not that I could…I may have thought I had feelings for him, but real love with Xander - please. So what if he was willing to resort to witchcraft to lure me back?  I don't care.  That just shows what a loser he was in the first place.

**Valentino, I don't think so
You watching MTV while I lie dreaming in a empty bed
And come to think of it
I was misled
My flat my food my everything
And thoughts inside my head**

He wasn't as charming as he thought he was.  He was a dork.  Flailing around at the Bronze and calling it dancing, stepping all over my highly expensive shoes.  Making out in my daddy's convertible under the glow of the full moon and what does he think about…not me, but Willow!  Definitely not romantic. He never even bought me flowers. Just that one necklace, the heart he gave me for Valentine's day…sure, it was beautiful and thoughtful - but it was one romantic gesture in the entire time we were dating.

He never took me anywhere - not that he could afford anywhere good.   I always say it's not really a date until the guy spends money - preferably lots of it, at a four-star restaurant. Xander would barely even spring for McDonald's.  Cheapskate.  Even when we went to the Bronze we were hardly ever alone - always with Buffy and Willow, like we were supposed to be the Four
Musketeers or whatever.  I expect my boyfriend to pay attention to me and give me all of the consideration I deserve.

But worse of all, Xander misled me.  He made me think he was different, made me think he could see inside of me.  He claimed he saw "specialness" within me.  I thought he could see who I really was, beyond the ever-popular cheerleader, beyond the ever-beautiful May Queen, behind the brain I thought I had to disguise …to me, the real Cordelia, the girl who got things instead of love.  The girl whose parents ignored her and whose friends didn't really care.  The girl just waiting for one person - just one person - to love her unconditionally.  And he made me believe he was that one.  And then he betrayed me.

**Before you go I must remember
To have a quiet word with that girl
Does she know you're not a spender
Well I just have to say**

But hey, I should thank Willow for stealing him…No, that's not right.  She couldn't have stolen him from me if I didn't want to lose him in the first place.  I should thank her for showing me what a loser he really is.  She can have him - do whatever she wants with him -- because I don't want him anymore.  I hope she knows that he's not this great romantic guy - just a loser.

I'm glad I didn't let myself care, that I didn't give him the power to hurt me.  He was just a temporary diversion, nothing special.  Yeah, it's good that we broke up.  I never loved him anyway.  And I'm glad he's gone.

**I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away**