Viacom/Paramount own everything, I'm just borrowing it all. I was feeling incredibly bad about my life when I wrote this story. It's P/T, and rated PG-13 for mature themes and language. It's set after "Hope and Fear".Summary: B'Elanna's feeling like her life isn't worth anything anymore. Someone has to convince her otherwise before something terrible happens.... Rated PG-13.~~~~~Worthlessby Lindsay Pennerrae67@hotmail.comLieutenant B'Elanna Torres, chief engineer of Voyager, sighed loudly. Nothing seemed to be going right. She hadn't seen Tom in days, since neither of them could get any spare time. The warp core kept going offline. She couldn't hit the right controls, so everything she did was turning out awful. The captain had come down about an hour ago to yell at her for not doing her job. Seven of Nine was in Astrometrics, rerouting every little bit of energy away from engineering for her own benefit. When she'd gone to tell Seven to give back the power, Chakotay had been there and had intervened. She'd gotten yelled at again. This day was even worse than the last Day of Honour.She was in the middle of swearing at a console that wasn't doing what she wanted it to when a hissing caught her attention. "Dammit!" she shouted. "Another plasma conduit! Can't we keep them all online for more than a day at a time? Carey, Vorik, fix that damn thing now!" Her crew ran to do her bidding. They were smart enough to stay away from a Klingon having a bad day, especially after the Day of Honour.The hissing stopped momentarily, then started again, even louder than before. "I thought I told you to fix that!" she bellowed, making an ensign run for cover."We are trying, Lieutenant," Vorik stated calmly. "It will be a few more minutes.""Try to be patient," Joe Carey suggested helpfully."In case you haven't noticed over the last four years, patience isn't exactly my strong suit. Now, unless either of you wanted another broken body part, I'd suggest you finish the repairs!" B'Elanna stomped off to her workstation, leaving the two men staring after her. They'd known she wasn't in the best of moods, but they hadn't thought it was this bad."Lieutenant!" the captain yelled.Oh, damn, thought B'Elanna. She's back. "I have told you repeatedly that threatening your engineering staff is no way to get the job done. Is that clear?""Yes, ma'am." B'Elanna was on the verge of breaking into tears. She hadn't cried in ages, and now seemed like it was about the right time.The captain gave her The Look for a few more seconds, then left engineering. B'Elanna sighed, and sprinted out of her domain for her quarters. She didn't care how much time was left in her shift; she had to get out of that place as soon as possible. Immediately wasn't soon enough.*****B'Elanna curled up in a fetal position on her couch, hugging a pillow tightly. She couldn't take the stress anymore. Maybe it would be better if she just left. No one would care. No one loved her. She wasn't good enough to love. No one could ever love her. She was ugly, stupid, temperamental, impatient, rude, and good for absolutely nothing. How could anyone love someone like that?Not even Tom. Tom just wanted her for sex. He didn't really care. He just wanted a half-Klingon to add to his list of conquests. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, he never cared for her at all. Never. They should just break up. It would save her some heartache before she fell too far.Harry wasn't really her friend either. He was just part of Tom's plan to get her in bed. Just there to make her feel like Tom really was her friend so that she'd believe him when he said he loved her.And Chakotay? He was feeling guilty because it was his fault they were stuck out here with Voyager. He wasn't really her friend. He needed her on the Maquis ship for her engineering skills. But now that they were on Voyager, he felt guilty that the rest of them were stuck in the Delta Quadrant. People like her that he didn't really want to be stuck with. He pitied her. And she didn't need anyone's pity.Tears began to roll down her cheeks, first slowly, a few at a time, then more quickly, the salty drops falling onto her pillow. She pulled the pillow more tightly against her body, letting it soak up years of frustrations and depression. Her body was racked with the effort of releasing so much pent-up emotions, and her breaths were shallow. She couldn't stop her tears."Maybe it would be better if I was never born. Maybe it would be better if I was dead," she whispered to the air. It would be so easy. Just ask the computer to add poison to whatever food she replicated next. Knot the bed sheets into a noose. Or take the bat'leth in the corner of her bedroom.... Yes, the bat'leth. She dropped the pillow on the ground with a soft thud, and slowly walked over to the weapon propped against the wall. She picked it up and ran her finger across the smooth side of the blade. It would be so easy. Just a couple slashes here, and here. She drew the side of the bat'leth along the delicate skin of her wrists. She would barely feel it. It would be over soon. And then no one would be able to use her again. No one would be able to tell her how worthless she was again. No one would....Her door chimed. She stood there for a minute, staring at it, the weapon still cradled it her arms, edge touching her skin. When it rang again, she responded. "Come in."Lieutenant Tom Paris was the last person she wanted to see. "Hey, B'El!" he said cheerfully. Then he noticed the blade at her wrists. "B'El, why do you have the bat'leth?""It's over, Tom. All of it. I can't put up with this shit anymore. Everything I do turns out wrong. I can't even have a normal relationship. We're always fighting. It's not worth it anymore." Tears continued coursing down her face.Tom took a step towards her. "B'El....""Shut the hell up!" she interrupted. "I'm tired of your talking. We're never going to work. I'm not worth it. Just get out before you get hurt. And if you come any closer, I will use this. On you, and then on me.""My beautiful B'El," Tom sighed."I'm not beautiful," she roared. "Have you seen these?" She indicated her brow ridges. "No one thinks I'm beautiful. I'm ugly, and worthless, and stupid...." She tightened her grip on the blade.Tom stayed right where he was. "B'El, where did you get these ideas? You're brilliant and caring and you're the most beautiful woman in the galaxy.""No, I'm not," she insisted again. "My father left because of these, so why are you staying around? Just leave. Get the hell out of my life!""No.""What?!?" she screamed."I said no. Now give me the bat'leth." Tom carelessly stepped too close to B'Elanna."I told you to stay away from me!" She lifted the sword away from the tender skin of her wrists, and hit Tom in the face with the side of the blade. His head snapped back, and he fell to the ground, reaching for the weapon. When she saw him collapse into unconsciousness, B'Elanna mumbled to herself, "Oh Kahless! What have I done?" She tumbled to her knees, rocking back and forth crying so hard it seemed as if she'd never stop. Her tears mingled with Tom's blood on the floor.*****"B'Elanna?" Ensign Harry Kim asked for the third time, knocking on the door of her quarters. Again, there was no answer. "Computer, how many people are in Lieutenant Torres' quarters?""Two.""Identify them.""Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres. Lieutenant Thomas Paris," the Starfleet voice stated."Condition?""Both are unconscious.""Not asleep?" he asked, hoping they were just sleeping."Lieutenants Torres and Paris are unconscious," the computer said flatly."Damn," Harry said."Please restate question," the computer said, not being programmed to understand when people were talking - or swearing - to themselves."Open door 125-4. Security clearance Kim theta four" The door slid open softly. Harry walked in, looking around for his two best friends. He saw no sign of them in the main living area, except for a few shards of glass. But B'Elanna's few breakable possessions never lasted long, and broken glass in her quarters wasn't rare at all.He checked the bedroom next, and the sight that greeted him stopped him in his tracks. Bright red blood, which must have been Tom's, since B'Elanna's blood was crimson, pooled on the floor around Tom's unconscious body. A bat'leth lay on the floor near Tom, the sharp edge of the blade curved against his arm, which was reached out as if to touch B'Elanna. B'Elanna was huddled in the corner a few feet away from Tom. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her balled-up body, holding on for dear life. He ran over to his friends, checking their pulses out of habit, even though the computer had told him they were only unconscious."Computer, transport Lieutenants Paris and Torres and myself to Sickbay." A shimmering blue light caught them all in its gentle grasp.When they rematerialised in Sickbay, Harry activated the EMH."Please state the nature of the...." The doctor stopped in the middle of his programmed response when he noticed Tom bleeding all over the clean floor of his Sickbay. "What happened?" he asked, lifting Tom onto a biobed."I have no idea," Harry told him. "I was supposed to meet B'Elanna for breakfast to talk about some modifications, but she never showed up. I checked Engineering first, figuring she'd forgotten, but she wasn't there. So I tried her quarters. I found them on the floor of her bedroom, just like that. That bat'leth was right by Tom." The doctor ran a cylindrical medical scanner over Tom."How long ago were these injuries inflicted on my favourite patient?" The doctor was becoming more and more sarcastic in his work every day."No idea.""Please place B'Elanna on a biobed. She seems to be suffering from shock. She's in a catatonic state." Harry did as the doctor requested."Will they be okay?" Harry asked worriedly."Once again, my superior medical skills have triumphed. They'll live," the doctor said smugly.Harry sighed in relief. "Kim to Janeway.""Go ahead, Ensign.""Tom and B'Elanna are in Sickbay. I discovered them a few minutes ago. Tom's lost some blood, and B'Elanna's in shock, but they'll live.""How did this happen?" the captain asked."I don't know. We'll have to ask them when they wake up.""Fine. Janeway out." Harry tapped his commbadge and sighed. He pulled up a chair for the long wait until someone could explain what was going on.*****B'Elanna sat up quickly, gasping for air. It seemed as though her lungs had just stopped working. "Tom!" she exclaimed, looking around wildly, the fact that she was in Sickbay barely registering. Harry ran over, and put his hands on her shoulders to push her back onto the bed. She shrugged them off forcefully, and stood up. "B'Elanna, relax. You've been unconscious for... um Doc, did we ever figure out how long they were out?""No," the doctor stated calmly. "I was hoping B'Elanna could shed some light on that situation.""No! Just... just stay away from me." Her voice broke. Tom was injured, and it was all her fault. She was too dangerous. See, she reasoned, it would be easier if I just stayed away from everyone. She backed up nervously, away from the doctor, Harry, and Tom's still form. "Leave me alone!" She turned quickly, and sprinted from Sickbay before anyone could react."Well," the doctor sniffed, "another patient forgets her manners.""Just wake up Tom," Harry mumbled. What could be wrong with B'Elanna? "Computer, location of Lieutenant Torres.""Lieutenant Torres is turbolift one.""Probable destination?""Insufficient information.""Track her movements and notify me when she stops moving.""Acknowledged."Harry sighed, and walked over to Tom's bedside. "You sure picked a complicated one.""Did not," he muttered, barely comprehensible. "Where's B'El? Need my B'El."She just ran out of here," Harry said softly."Where's she goin'?" Tom said, voice full of alarm. His thoughts were becoming coherent. If B'Elanna hurt herself, and he didn't do everything in his power to stop her... He didn't need another life on his conscience.As if on cue, the computer replied, "Lieutenant Torres has stopped in Holodeck Two.""Oh no!" Tom shouted. "What program is she running?""Torres combat beta seven.""Are the safeties on?" Tom asked, ignoring Harry's look of confusion at this line of questioning."Negative." "Whose authorizations were used to remove them?" Harry inquired, knowing that the authorisations of two senior officers were required to remove the holodeck safeties."Unknown.""Dammit! She got around the safeties! We've got to get down there!" Tom jumped out of his biobed, and headed for the door. The doctor moved to block his path."Where do you think you're -" The doctor never got a chance to finish his sentence."Computer, deactivate Emergency Medical Holographic Program," shouted Tom, running through the spot where the doctor had just stood. "Sorry, Doc," he murmured.Harry ran after his best friend, trying to understand where they were going and why. "Tom? What's wrong?"Tom shouted back at him as he ran for the holodeck. "When I went to B'Elanna's quarters, she was cradling her bat'leth in her arms. She started talking about how it wasn't worth it anymore, and how I should just leave her alone. When I tried to get the bat'leth, she smacked me in the face with the smooth part of the blade. Damn, she's strong." He sprinted up to the door, and almost ran into it. It didn't open to acknowledge his presence. "Computer, unlock this door. Authorisation Paris omega four three nine.""Unable to comply.""Why the hell not?""This holodeck has been sealed.""Using the authorisation of B'Elanna Torres," Harry whispered."Affirmative," the computer confirmed.Tom pounded on the door. "B'El! Let me in. Please?" He had no idea what had made her think that no one loved her."I thought I told you to get out of my life. You'll just get hurt again," she cried in a strangled voice."No, B'El. I love you, and I'm not leaving. Ever." Tom hoped the conviction in his voice would convince her to open the door."Fuck you! Get out of my life!" Her voice showed her Klingon side clearly."No.""How many times do I have to tell you?!?" she choked out through her tears."I doesn't matter. I'm not going.""Why?" she wailed."Because I love you," he insisted again. If he had to say it every second for her to believe it, then that's what he'd do. The only sounds that came from the holodeck were moans and sobs. "Damn. Paris to Janeway, Chakotay, and Tuvok. Please come down to Holodeck Two as soon as possible. We have a nasty situation.""Acknowledged. We'll be there in a minute," Janeway stated. Tom assumed they were either on the bridge or in a meeting. He closed the link, and put his ear against the door, listening for any sign that B'Elanna was trying to hurt herself.The captain ran up, Chakotay and Tuvok flanking her. "What's wrong?""Well, you know how I found B'Elanna and Tom unconscious?" When she nodded, he went on. "Well, I guess B'Elanna was holding a bat'leth, and she looked like she was going to do some serious damage to herself if no one stopped her. Tom tried, and he succeeded, but got hurt in the process. When B'Elanna woke up, she yelled at everyone to leave her alone, and ran out of Sickbay. Tom woke up a few minutes later, and asked where she was. When the computer told him, he ran here. She's inside, in a combat program, safeties off, and we can't get in," he finished unhappily."Computer," Kathryn commanded, "open this door. Authorisation Janeway epsilon zero five six." Finally the door swished open, and Tom ran in.The atmosphere of the program was thick and almost unbreathable. What could be seen of the sky was dark and dismal. Rocks and abandoned building surrounded them. Tom recognised the program. It was B'Elanna's favourite one for working out her frustrations. He looked around for her, hoping that she hadn't already killed herself. Then he saw her. She was holding a new bat'leth, since her other one was underneath a force field in Sickbay. She was huddled against a large rock. No holomonsters were around her, and there was no blood on her clothes, just tears. The bat'leth was at her neck. "Stay away from me," she ordered shakily. "Or I'll use this.""You don't want to do that," Kathryn murmured gently. "What could be so awful that you'd want to end it? And hurt all of us, all the people who care about you?""No one cares about me!" she insisted, bursting into tears again."Yes, we do," Chakotay argued. "No. Everyone hates me!" B'Elanna was getting tired of the lies."B'Elanna, we care about you very much. You're our friend," Harry said, trying to calm her down and distract her so Tom could sneak close enough to grab the weapon at her throat."No! Stop lying to me. I know everyone hates me." Her tears made large blotches on the shiny metal of the bat'leth."You are mistaken." Incredibly, Tuvok spoke. "I consider you my friend. And I am incapable of lying."B'Elanna stared at him incredulously. She lowered the bat'leth a few centimetres. "Really?" she asked hopefully. Maybe one person did like her, but that was it."Yes."She started to move the blade back to her neck, but strong hands caught her wrists, freezing her motion. "What the hell!?!" she screamed. She struggled with the person, somehow knowing that it was Tom. He didn't care about her at all. If he did, he'd let her get it over with. "Let go of me!" Her Klingon strength was abandoning her. She'd used up too much of her energy in the last day. She twisted violently in his arms, bringing the bat'leth around with her. The sharp edge lay along Tom's chest. He held her wrists tightly with one hand and used the other one to force her eyes up to meet his. She fought with him, trying to force her face away from his, but he was running on adrenaline, and fear for her life, and found the necessary strength to make her look into his eyes. Their eyes locked.Tom saw fear, pain, and sorrow. He recognised the look. It looked like the one he'd seen in the mirror right after Caldik Prime, and then again in prison. Both times, he'd been sure that he wanted to end it all. But both times, something had held him back. He hadn't had his friends there to support him. And if he could get through it, so could B'Elanna.B'Elanna couldn't look away from Tom's clouded eyes. He looked so hurt, so deeply hurt that she could think he didn't really love her. Buried deep beneath the hurt, was a look she'd seen many tie, but had thought was faked. It hadn't occurred to her that he could mask his face, but never his eyes. The look was love. Love for her. She sighed, and threw the bat'leth to the ground, leaning into his embrace.The other officers saw this battle of wills, and noticed B'Elanna relax into Tom's arms. "Let's go," Kathryn whispered, not wanting to disturb her younger officers. The other nodded their agreement. Harry looked as though he wanted to stay behind to talk to them, but she looked at him, making it clear that B'Elanna needed to believe in Tom first. Harry gave them one last glance, then followed the others out of the holodeck. B'Elanna stayed silent for a long time, thinking everything through. Eventually, Tom whispered, "What could ever make you doubt my love?"She gazed up at him, searching his eyes. She found curiosity, hurt, and - yes, there it was - love. "I don't know," she murmured. "All I know is that I had a really bad day. Everything was going wrong. I got yelled at by the captain and Chakotay again. I started thinking I wasn't worth anything, that it would all be fine if I wasn't around, and, somehow, my insecurities about our relationship worked their way into my bad mood. I'm so sorry." She reached up, laying her hand on the barely visible bruise on the side of his face, the remnant of her first failed attempt."It's okay. I'd take more than the side of a bat'leth if it meant saving your life." He took her hands in his and kissed them softly."But I could have killed you!" She was becoming agitated again."Shhh, B'El. Shhh. You didn't. I'm fine, you're fine. And we'll never be apart again." He pulled her closer."Promise?" she breathed, unshed tears glistening in her dark eyes."I promise. I'll be here forever." One tear fell, leaving a shining path down her cheek. Tom wiped it away tenderly. "Forever," he whispered, kissing her.*****"Helmsman's Personal Log. Stardate 52027.4. B'Elanna's back to normal now. Well, normal for her. She still seems sort of insecure about me, and I don't blame her. My reputation isn't exactly the best. It makes sense that she would doubt me. But I do love her, more than I've ever loved anyone before. I told her about my own experiences with suicide, both after the crash, and in prison. It seemed to relax her a little bit. I think B'Elanna thought she was the only one who'd ever felt like this before. But we've all thought about ending it at some time in our lives. Even the captain probably considered suicide at some point. No one's infallible. We all have emotions, no matter how much Tuvok denies his own feelings. Hopefully, she'll be fine now. I think all she needs is some quality time with her friends. She just needs to hear the words 'I love you' over and over. If I need to tell her she's beautiful over and over, then that's what I'll do until she believes me. If I need to tell her I love her every day until the day I die, then that's what I'll do. Because I do love her, and I'll love her until the day I die. Forever....*****"Chief Engineer's Personal Log. Stardate 52027.6. I'm feeling a lot better now. Tom took my bat'leth and my d'k tahg away, for 'security reasons', as he calls them. I think he just wanted to make sure I wouldn't try anything again. But he doesn't have to worry. I'm fine now. I know he loves me, and I know that I have friends. No one judges me by my ridges anymore, not like they did when I was a little girl. That's over now. I have good friends, almost family, my work, and a guy who loves me. That's all I need. I know my Klingon half is prone to mood swings, but I'll never try to kill myself again. I'll just have to work on suppressing that part of my nature, and letting the part that loves life come out more often. Tom's been so understanding through all of this. The other day, he told me that he was certain I wouldn't kill myself. When I asked why, since I hadn't been all that sure myself, he told me it was because he was still here. I didn't understand that comment at first, but he explained that he'd thought about ending it all before too, after Caldik Prime, and in prison. When I asked what had stopped him, he got a faraway look in his eyes and told me that it was mostly to prove to his father that he wasn't weak. He didn't have any friends around to tell him they loved him. I was lucky. I had my friends to help me through this. And now I know they'll be here for me forever. Especially Tom...."The EndWell, that's it. I'm sorry if the occasional weird spelling confuses you Americans out there, but I'm Canadian, and my spell checker is British. So live with it! Please send me feedback at rae67@hotmail.com. My friends and teachers tell me I'm a good writer, but I'm not so sure. If you want to read some more by me, send me encouraging e-mails. This story is mine. Copyright June 1998.