Tom's Self Confidence.      I am Tom's self-confidence. I guess you could say that I am  responsiblefor how Tom feels about himself.  Not just his talents, but what he thinks ofhimself as a person. It's not an easy job. But then if, you know Tom, as wellas I think you do,  if you know what his past has been like, then you allready know that.  But not everyone does.  And many don't care. Some only seethe confidence, self-assured, almost cocky young man, and never realize thatfor the most part, it is a mask  Tom learned to wear so long ago. They seethat  and think that I have it easy. Either  that  or I need to learn how totone it down.     It's strange how many misconceptions most people have about  Tom.  Thathes' a coward who has never cared  for anyone but himself. That his is thetype that would sell his own  grandmother for a  few strips of latium.  Inever understood why that was. Why couldn't people see the basic goodness inhim? Maybe it's the carefully constructed mask he always were. The one thattells you nothing of what he's thinking or feeling.  Maybe it's because he uses  his sense of humor as a defense against the deamons that threatened tooverwelm him.  Or maybe it was because that Tom's life seemed to so perfect,no one ever bothered to look beyond that facade and wonder what it would belike to grow up an admiral's son. But I don't listen  what thees people say. As I said, they don't know the real Tom. Not in the slightest.      It would come as a surprise to some people is  the fact that most ofTom's problems with his self-esteem started  long before Caldick Prime. Not tosay that what happened, the crash and everything else, didn't effect him, they did.  But not in the way that most people seem to think. The fallout ofthat day only confirmed Tom's worst fears about himself,  his family and just  how tenuous his place in the family was.  It didn't, as many seem to thinkcreate them.      I know, I know. I'm not making any sense.  Maybe I should tell you  alittle about Tom's childhood. Then you might understand what I am  talkingabout.      Like most children in educated by Starfleet schools, Tom heard all aboutlegendary Paris family and the things thaey had done to save the Federation. His family wasn't exactly on the same level as James T. Kirk and theEnterprise  or Hikaru Sulu and the Excelsior, but they were close.  But unlikethe other children  Tom didn't just learn about the  family's deeds in school,he heard about  them at home as well. His  famous grandmother andgreat-grandfather were frequent visitors and they would often entertain thefamily with  stories of all the places they had gone, all the people they hadmet, all the things they had done.  When he was very young, little Tommy wouldlisten wide eyed.  He loved to listen to the stories, especially GrandpaKevin. He  made it sound so exciting, so fun.  Grandpa Kevin had even servedunder the  legendary James Kirk. And  his father had his share of stories too.When he wasn't away on important missons,  he would tell his young son of someof the more exciting places he had gone. He would also the tales he saidGrandmother  and Grampa Kevin were to modest to tell.      At first  Tommy loved these stories.  He liked hearing about all thegreat things that his family, *his family*  had done. He liked being connected to history that way.  It was like he was a part of that history.       But as get got older Tom learned there was a price that went with theParis name.  People expected a great deal more from him.  He always had to bethe best. The one with the anwser.  Once when  Tom said he didn't know answerto a question the teacher had just asked, the woman raised her eyebrows  insurprise. "I would have expected more from the son of Captain  Eugene Paris." she replied, as she motioned for him to sit down. He spent the next tenminutes berating himself for not knowing the answer, calling himself a failureover and over. It didn't matter that no one else in class knew  what theanswer was. He was a *PARIS*.  HE  HAD do better.     His family certainly seemed to think so. He saw how his  friend'sparents reacted to their accomplishments. The way they  would beam with pride,fawn over over the kid, telling  him or her how proud they were of them. Itdidn't matter how the kid had done. But his family never did that. Even whenhe came in first in a race, or scored the winning run. Other people would tellhim what a great job he had done, but never his parents.  He often wonderedwhy everyone else expectations were so low.  And why he couldn't live up to the standards his family demandeds.      There only area where there were no problems was flying. His pilotingskills were one of the few  talents his family seemed to take pride in.  Buteven there, it wasn't easy. Tom knew that his father bragged to his friendswhat a great pilot Tom was, and Tom didn't want to wanted to live up to thoseclaims. Besides he liked the attention he got when his father was talkingabout his piloting skills.  So he spent more and more time improving hisskills, becoming better and better. And the better he flew, the more praise,attention and love his father gave him.  So he would work even harder tobecome even a better pilot.  It quickly became a vicious circle.      I had mixed feelings Tom's skills. On one hand it was nice to  have onearea that I didn't have to worry about. On the other,  I was concerned aboutthe importance Tom placed on those skills. At times, it seemed that they wereone of the only things he valued  about himself.  (Other then his looks butthat is another story). I was worried what would happen when Tom made amistake. It would have to happen eventfully. As good as was, he wasn'tperfect, (although he often thought he should be).  I just hoped that  whatever mistake he made it wouldn't be a costly one.      But, as you know,  it was. Costly, that is.  Very costly. Afraid thathis family would disown him if they knew he had made a  mistake, he lied  andplaced the blame on one of the others.   But he found he couldn't live  withthat lie on his conscious.  Justin didn't deserve to have his family  thinkthat he had killed two of his ship mates.  So he swallowed his fears andadmitted the truth.      The expression on his father's face as he confessed, to the accident andto his attpemt to cover it up,   confirmed his worst fears. One mistake hadcost him more then his three friends, it cost him his family. But that waswhat he deserved.  He had screwed up and screwed up big time.  He didn'tdeserve to belong to a family like the Paris'.      After he "resigned" from the only life he knew, Tom drifted.  For  sometime he didn't really care what  happened to him.  A few years  later he joina new group of freedom fighters, the Maquis.  But he did so only for thechance to fly small fighter craft in risky conditions.  Besides, he had nolove for the Cardassians, and there was always the chance he would get luckyand be killed in a fire fight  with the Cardassians.  Go out in a blaze ofglory.      But, as you know, that didn't happen. Instead runing in to theCarrdassians, he was caught by Starfleet on his first mission. Yet anotherfailure, this one worst then most. Not only had he allowed himself tocaptured, but he had further disgraced the family name.  Whatever chance hehad get back in his family was lost forever.           The court sentenced him to ten years he didn't really  care. As far ashe was concerned his life was over. No one would ever want him to fly for themwith his history, and there was no way he could fly while he was in prison. So what was there for him to do?       Life at Ackland wasn't that hard. Tom didn't give the administration anytrouble, did what was told.  None of the other  prisoners wanted to haveanything to do with him. He spent most of his time alone berating himself, foreverything that had happened in the past ten years, and sinking futher andfuther intodepression.I don't what would have happened Kathryn Janeway hadn't come along with offerfor the mission that eventfully brought him to the Delta Quadrant, but I canguess. Tom would have continued with his downward spiral. Where he would haveended up is something I don't want to think about.  What on Earth  was lowerthen a Federation  prison?      But he took that mission so I don't have to worry. Of corse when heagreed to take it he had no idea what was about to happen. And KatherynJaneway, truely became his savior few days later when she gave him not onlythe Conn, but a field commission as well.  It was one thing to give him thepostion at Conn. After all he was a pilot, the best they had. If Voyager wasto get home everyone would have contribute.  Janeway couldn't afford to wasteanyone's, not even Tom Paris' talent.  And given the strange circimstance Voyager was in, he  didn't have to a Starfleet officer to pilot the ship.  Butfor reasons known only to her, Kathryn Janeway decided  Tom deserved anotherchance.  Maybe she could see  how important Starfleet was to him.  I hadforgotten just how much he wanted to a part of the organization until I felthis pure and utter delight when he realized just who the Captain was referringto with the  remark that everyone on the ship would have to follow Chakotay's orders   "...even the Lieutenant at Conn."       "Me?"  he had asked, not quiet able to believe it...  I knew  thefeeling.  Even I had given up any hope of returning to  Starfleet.        I wonder if she ever fully understood what she did when she  gave himthat field commission.  Because despite his troubles in  Star Fleet, it reallywas the one place he wanted to be. The one place he thought he could make adifference.  The place he could gain his family's respect.  It was somethinghe never thought he  would have again.  And as much as I tried to convince himotherwise, he thought he didn't deserved any better.      But Captain Janeway's simple gesture showed him she thought  otherwise.Even  with everything he had done in the past - all the mistakes he had  made- she was willing to trust him. To give him a second chance.  And that shethought he was worth an effort.      It wasn't an easy concept for him to accept.  Not that he didn't want asecond chance, he did, more then anything. But he didn't think he deserved it. And it never occurred to him that anyone, never mind one of his father'sprotege, would give one.      I hope that the events and the people like Harry, Kes and the rest of his friends all have helped me convince him that he just might be.  It's notthe best I could hope for, but it's a start. And that's more then I everthought I would get.*************************