This started out as a response to the writers challenge 
but since I hadn’t seen the episode Hunters, it’s turned 
out slightly out of step with canon.



B’Elanna didn’t know what time it was, but it was 
probably only hours before both Tom and she had to be on 
duty, yet she suspected that neither of them were asleep, 
their minds still churning with the events of the last 
few days.

“Tom, are you awake?” 

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, really sorry” B’Elanna murmured.

It took a moment for her words to sink in so caught up in 
his own thoughts had he been, but when they did Tom Paris 
immediately turned to face her.

“I don’t understand, you haven’t done anything wrong” he 
replied.

“I feel like it is my fault that you didn’t get the 
message from your father properly, I am Voyager’s Chief 
Engineer, I should have been able to do something to 
retrieve all the messages, instead some have been lost 
altogether and others like your father’s might still be 
irretrievable.”

“It won’t be because you and Harry haven’t tried your 
best to reconstruct them, I understand and so do the 
others in the crew, don’t berate yourself over something 
you couldn’t control” he said.

But he could tell he hadn’t convinced her, even in the 
dim light provided by the stars outside their window, he 
could see the frown creasing her forehead, she believed 
it was her fault.

Dropping his normally cocky facade, he gently reached out 
with his hand to cup her face. 

“I could no more blame you B’Elanna Torres than I could 
lash out at the Captain for not magically finding us a 
way home.”
“And the truth be told” he sighed “even if you and Harry 
could restore more of it tomorrow I don’t know whether I 
would even play it.”

Silence initially greeted that response but not for long, 
for in an outburst of emotion B’Elanna Torres leapt from 
his arms to pace the room, frustration radiating from 
every pore in her body.

“Don’t give me that Thomas Eugene Paris, I know you and I 
know how important your father’s opinion is to you. Its 
only natural that you want him to understand that you 
have a purpose in life again, that you have a place on a 
starship, even if it is on the other side of the 
universe” she retorted.

“Your only saying this because you don’t what me to feel 
bad, but I should feel bad, it was my responsibility to 
retrieve those messages and I have let people down, most 
importantly I have let you down.”

“That’s just it B’Elanna you haven’t, I know you did your 
best.”

Reaching out he captured her hands and guided her back 
down onto the bed until they faced each other, until he 
could stare into her eyes and convince her of the 
sincerity of his words.

“Ever since we sent those messages through the array, I 
have been anticipating his response. One moment I would 
be ecstatic since I was sure he would welcome me back, 
the next depressed over the idea that he wouldn’t respond 
at all or worse his response would be as scathing and 
contemptuous as our last encounter.”

“But he did reply and that must say something” B’Elanna 
interjected.

“Yes he did respond, but while I was waiting I discovered 
something more important. I realised that just like I had 
done as a child, I was still seeking his approval to 
validate my own. It’s as if I wasn’t really successful if 
he didn’t confirm it for me.”

“Throughout my whole life I have measured my value based 
on other people’s opinion of me. If they thought well of 
me I was a worthy person, if they thought less of me I 
also thought less of myself.”

“But you started all over again here on Voyager, you’ve 
said that yourself” B’Elanna replied.

“Yes, but basically I was repeating the same patterns of 
old, but this time the ruler I used to measure myself was 
the Captain’s opinion, Chakotay’s, yours, Harry’s and all 
the others. I congratulated myself when I had begun to 
win the respect of the crew and officers, I thought I had 
really made a place in the world for myself and I have, 
but I was still using other people’s opinions to confirm 
that judgement.”

“Don’t get me wrong, what you and the Captain think of me 
is important, I want to be worthy of both of you, but the 
bottom line is I have to respect myself and consider 
myself a worthy person first. Then consider the opinion 
of others.”

“And what is your opinion of Tom Paris” B’Elanna asked.

“Not where I would like it to be, I can’t say I “love” 
myself, but I am learning to like myself, to consider 
myself a person of value and worth, it will take time but 
understanding was the first and biggest step” he replied.

“So you see my father’s message doesn’t have the power 
that it once would have, I got the message from my mother 
with all the family gossip. I know what my sisters are up 
to, even what my mum and dad have been doing and that I 
realise is what was most important in those messages from 
home, not whether my father has forgiven me or not.”

Reaching up with his hands he lightly caressed her face.

“Ultimately it is my opinion which must count, not his. 
It is how I live my life now not how it was lived in the 
past that matters and it is the people I work with and 
care for every day who are and must be at the forefront 
of my life.”

“Please believe me when I say, if I never read that 
letter it won’t matter, everything that really matters is 
right here.”

Smiling at the extraordinary man sitting beside her

B’Elanna whispered “have I told you I love you today 
Thomas Paris” 

Smiling, Tom said “no, but just to make up for it you can 
show me.”


The End

Please mail and tell me what you thought this is my first 
attempt.