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QUESTION OF HONOR   (9/97) 
By Tommy's Girl (Tidbitts@aol.com)

Any comments, critiques, or acknowledgments would be appreciated. 

PG-13 Following the events of Day of Honor, Tom desperately tries
to do the right thing and winds up teaching everyone a lesson in
honor. 

There was, of course, too much to do. It was out of the question.
He really couldn't take the time out right now. It wasn't that he
didn't want to see her -- it was just that there was too much to
do. He checked headings and coordinates that he'd verified at least
a dozen times. It would be the height of irresponsibility to . . .
And if he kept repeating that over and over again he might come to
believe -- right. He was just a coward, trying to put off what had
to be done. He knew that Harry had fixed that, "I can't believe
you're doing this again" stare at him. If Harry only knew. He just
continued to stare at him as if in his own indomitable way he was
trying to say that he knew Tom wanted to do the right thing and
that all the times he'd screwed up in his life had been mere
flukes. Poor Harry -- He'd never understand that it wasn't the
screw-ups in Tom's life that were the flukes but the half dozen
times he had done the right thing. His father had been right,
Starfleet had been right, even Captain Janeway had been right when
she had initially withheld her trust .  What was it Chakotay had
called him "Patchoo." And then some.

"Tom." Harry broke in on his musings. "Tom, -- Aren't you supposed
to meet B'Elanna for dinner" His friend knew the answer, and knew
him well enough to know something was definitely up. 

The doors to the Captain's ready room opened and Janeway and Seven
stepped onto the bridge. Harry hastily looked down at his console. 
Seven had a way of watching you, studying you, and well . . .
judging you.  It made him self-conscious and by now everyone on
board new when young ensign Kim felt self-conscious he blushed. God
-- When she'd noticed the flush she'd even asked whether it was
illness. Now Harry just tried to concentrate on avoiding her.  His
thoughts returned to the enigmatic man next to him. HThe Captain
had spent a great deal of time lately with her newest charge --
ever since Seven had come up with the means to give the Cataati
unlimited Thorium isotopes and consequently got back the warp core
and helped rescue Tom and B'Elanna. It was hard to grasp everything
that Seven didn't know about being human and Harry had only the
utmost respect for the Captain for trying to help her learn but
looking at the man who had in three short years become like a
brother to him Harry couldn't help but wish that the Captain didn't
posses the ability to submerge herself so deeply in her current
project.  Something was definitely wrong and Harry didn't know how
to fix it. Tom wasn't talking, but he was sure that it had to do
with B'Elanna. Tom certainly wasn't acting as he was about to go
eat with the love of his life; more like he was going before a
firing squad. Harry hated not knowing what was going on. Tom
mumbled something to him as he relinquished the conn and left the
bridge.

Captain Janeway's gaze swept the bridge and came to rest on a very
troubled looking Harry Kim. He was staring after the retreating
figure of Tom Paris who seemed more subdued than was his norm.
Perhaps one of Tom's jokes had gotten out of hand, it probably
wasn't anything to be concerned about. She had more important
things to deal with. Seven was turning out to be an amazing
challenge. Every now and then there would be a flash of . . .
something in her eyes. Janeway cautioned herself not to be over
zealous. Seven had lived for eighteen years as part of the
Collective.  The captain herself had drug her into humanity kicking
and screaming and Seven's assimilation would take time, effort and
a lot of kindness. She didn't really have any doubts as to the
eventual outcome. She rarely had doubts about her own abilities to
problem solve. She was the Captain, after all, and in lieu of a
trained medical officer she knew that she could give Seven the help
she needed. Just look at the crew, they all displayed amazing
resiliency given their particular situation and she had no reason
to believe that they would do anything else. They had experienced
none of the problems that you might expect from taking two so
dissimilar crews and throwing them far from anything they knew. She
took a rare moment out to congratulate both her and her first
officer on maintaining an excellent and effective working
environment, imperfect to be sure but with none of the problems
that you might find on a different ship.

***

The buzzer chirped as B'Elanna came through the door -- She had a
message waiting for her. Maybe it was from Tom -- about tonight.
She felt . . . good. Definitely good. Possibly gre. . no good. All
day long she just couldn't stop smiling. It didn't matter what
happened; Vorik had wasted two whole hours running phase coupling
tests on the wrong relay, the over used neural gel pack in the
coolant system had finally failed and it had taken her over three
hours to finish the diagnostic on the newly reinstalled warpcore.
A week ago everyone would have requested a transfer to get away
from her- today she couldn't stop smiling. She knew she was acting
like one of those giggly young women in god forbid Stellar
Cartography but right this moment she just didn't care. Her day was
about to take an up turn.

"Computer, play message" Kahless, was that her breathless voice?
You've got to get a grip B'Elanna. 

"B'Elanna. . . this is Tom . . . About tonight. . I . . uh. . . I'm
going have to work late. . . so why don't you go ahead and eat
without me and I'll see you later." The smile that neither man nor
machine could affect in engineering faltered and then died. 

Something was wrong. She'd known the whole thing was too good to be
true. After all Tom hadn't really said much since they'd been back.
He certainly hadn't given his own undying declaration of love. He
was probably regretting the whole thing. Deep down she'd known this
was the way it would go. "Get a grip B'Elanna." She needed to know
what was going on, what had happened. She wasn't going to find out
locked in her quarters that was for certain , she simply had to
find Tom, ask about what was wrong, and find out that it was
nothing, that he'd had to work late for maybe the Captain and
they'd reschedule for tomorrow. She cast one last look at the dress
that she had spent two weeks worth of replicator rations on and
sighed. It was a floral print, off the shoulder, not her style at
all really.  She couldn't help remembering the way Tom had looked
at her or the way he'd said smashing in that sexy voice of his at
Neelix's luau. So she'd be eating Neelix's leola root stew for the
next two weeks, but it would be worth it to see the look in his
eyes. This was just a little detour, that's all. What could be
wrong. Nothing. Everything. She had to know. 

***

B'Elanna had never imagined that anything could hurt so much. Not
even as a little girl when she'd been teased and mocked by the
other children. Not even when her father had left and never come
back. Tom. It had been as though the last three years had never
happened. She could still here his voice in her head. 

"I'm not the man you think I am B'Elanna. Sorry you got hurt -- but
what was I supposed to do? I was bored and you were a challenge.
You ought to know that nobody turns me down for long. But hey, no
lasting damage, right?  We had some good times, that's all. You're
just not my type. All those emotions you keep repressed, all that
Klingon stuff.  I hate to tell you, but it's a major turn off.  I
guess I'll see you around."  He had turned and sauntered away as if
he hadn't seen the hurt on B'Elanna's face or the tears in her
eyes. He had waved at Megan Delaney as he passed. She still
couldn't believe he'd done it. Everything had been a lie. He'd
never cared about her. It had just been a game to him. Pain gave
way to anger and anger to rage.  

***

Chakotay was bemused. He didn't need his animal guides to tell him
that something was very wrong. When he'd stopped by Engineering
yesterday to see how the diagnostics were going he'd been surprised
or more precisely shocked to actually find B'Elanna daydreaming. In
the years he had known her they had been through a lot together,
they'd lost friends, faced death and been thrown 70,0000 light
years away from home and never once had he ever seen her less than
focused. She could be angry, sullen ,even violent but he'd never
seen her daydream, until now . It must be Paris. He  couldn't help
the almost automatic feeling of hesitation on his part. In his head
he knew that Paris was an excellent pilot and that he had saved the
crew any number of times and he himself owed Paris his life. Still,
there was some niggling of mistrust at the back of his mind.
Chakotay had never been able to shake that first impression he
formed on meeting Paris. He was the antithesis of everything that
Chakotay believed in. Chakotay had seen a man spiritually and quite
probably morally bankrupt. Paris had been a young man who had had
every advantage and had squandered them all and Chakotay couldn't
help fearing the return of that man. He'd looked out for B'Elanna
since they'd first gone into battle on the Cardassian border all
those years ago like an older brother and he couldn't help wishing
for more for her. She had so much to give and Paris was ,well,
Paris.

***

The door chimed but didn't open, it chimed again. "B'Elanna, its
Chakotay, do you have a minute?" He probably ought to wait until
morning but he just couldn't shake the feeling that something
wasn't right. The doors opened on a bizarre scene. Chakotay was
unsure where to look first the room was a complete shambles --
there was clothing and bedding thrown piles on the floor the
mattress was at an odd angle on the bed and there was broken
crockery on the floor and an orangish stain on the wall above it
from what appeared to be Neelix's special from dinner. The rooms
only occupant was perched in the regulation chair with her arms
wrapped tightly around a pillow while her shoulders shook with the
sobs wracking her.

"B'Elanna? " Chakotay rushed to her side

Her eyes were puffed and red and the look in those eyes was one of
absolute devastation, they barely registered the shock she was
feeling at seeing him appear at her side. B'Elanna never cried. In
all the years he'd known her, never once had he seen her cry.
Scream. Yell. Fight. But never cry. The bastard was going to pay.

***

"Computer, location of Lt. Paris" The rage was almost a physical
thing as Chakotay stalked down the corridor.

The computers gentle voice seemed to mock his fury "Lt. Paris is on
Holodeck 4"

   

The Lt. in question was sitting in his customary position at the
bar in Sandrines. He kept trying to clear the image of her betrayed
look from his mind. He knew he probably never would. She had been
the best thing that had ever happened to him. A clean cut was
always best. B'Elanna would recover. She was strong. She'd have her
anger and all of her friends to help her. This was for the best.
There had yet to be anything in Tom's life that didn't eventually
turn to shit. He'd try, but it would happen again, and then it
would be too late. B'Elanna's tearful confession of love was a
dream come true. He hadn't heard those words in so long and he knew
he'd never hear them so sweetly again. She was beautiful to him,
not just on the outside though that was true enough.  Inside, she
was just a rush of fears and misgivings, so afraid of not measuring
up she always had to set the standard. She'd gone through every one
of his many defenses and for one brief shining moment he had
thought that, maybe, just maybe he could be happy too. Then he'd
realized what a selfish bastard he'd become. He had accused her of
running from her Klingon side. He had had the gall to bandy a word
like honor around . His Maquis fighter: she was still so innocent
and when she had cried about her lack of honor he had known for the
first time what real pain was. He could pretend, he could wish, he
could even believe, but none of those changed the man he was. A
fraud, totally incapable of honest emotion, a man so bereft of
honor that he was almost willing to gamble the most wonderful thing
that had ever happened to him on the good luck he'd had since his
last run in with fate. Almost. He was sure he'd never do another
decent thing in his life because frankly he hoped this one would
kill him.

The doors to the Holodeck did not respond, obviously the privacy
lock was engaged. Chakotay could feel the anger burning through him
"Computer override lock authorization Chakotay alpha 2. The doors
opened on the familiar scene of Sandrines. The bar that Paris had
spent so much time in on Earth after he had thrown his life wife.
And there sitting at the bar facing away from the door was an
obviously drunk Paris.

***

"How could you do that to her?"

"Commander." He looked mildly surprised to find Chakotay next to
him. His mouth turned up in the half smile that Chakotay had always
hated. "I must have forgotten to close the door.  You want a
drink?"

"Paris, I've always known you were a bastard, but she loves you.
How could you hurt her like that ?"

Tom seemed to consider for a moment "Like how? Lying to her, or
finally telling her the truth?" He shrugged "I guess everyone was
right; I am a bastard."

Chakotay saw red. He grabbed the smaller man by the shoulder and
spun him around. He wanted to slam his fist into Paris' face. He
wanted to beat the man to a pulp. But he couldn't, not anymore.
This wasn't the Maquis, this wasn't who he was. He took a deep
calming breath.

"What's your problem Commander," Paris had a way of saying that one
word that made it sound like an indictment of the worst kind. He
took another drink from the glass in front of him, "The way I see
it you ought to thank me, after all you've got a clear shot now.
She's still a little in awe of you, she's vulnerable. Hell, it
shouldn't take much to convince her that you can offer the kind of
comfort she wants. . . " Chakotay's right fist connected with a
resounding crack against his jaw.  Tom shook his head and laughed
"What? A little too close to the mark? Really commander, we all
know there hasn't been anyone since Seska and the Capt. . . "This
time the blow was to the stomach followed by another to the face.
Tom fell away from the bar onto the floor.

***



***

Captain Janeway knew now how Alice must have felt when she fell
down the rabbit hole. Her entire senior crew had just gone insane.
She wished that was the answer, at least then she could call the
doctor in. The other alternatives didn't bear up to close scrutiny.
What in blazes had possessed her calm serene first officer to get
into a bar room brawl and if the EMH's report was to be believed a
rather one sided fight with her conn officer. There had to be a
reasonable explanation, or at the very least an explanation. She
took a deep steadying drink of her coffee.

"Mr. Paris." She paused to stare hard at the young man in front of
her. "Would you care to explain to me what seems to have occurred?"
She took in the purplish area coloring his left jaw and the ginger
way he stood at attention. The doctor often took a somewhat colored
view on injuries he felt were self inflicted; he seemed to believe
that pain could teach a lesson that a lecture could not. She needed
to remember to speak to him about it.

"No Captain, not particularly."

"That wasn't a request Mr., it was an order." Her voice took on a
frosted quality that communicated more than any words could have.

"Aye Captain. There was a fight." He didn't seem prepared to say
more and his entire bearing made Janeway want to scream in
frustration.

"Mr. Paris, I already have Commander Chakotay's report on what
occurred on the Holodeck What I'm asking you for is an explanation
of your actions. Just what did you think you were doing?"

He hesitated for moment as if to weigh what he was going to say.
"Trying to get drunk, Captain"

"Mr. Paris, I do not find this infantile attitude to be in the
least amusing and were we back in the Alpha Quadrant, I would have
you in the brig so fast it would make your head spin. As it is, I
don't have that sort of luxury. But let me make it clear that any
further behavior of this ilk and you will ride the rest of the way
home in the brig." She took a few moments to stare into his face,
looking for some sign of remorse, understanding, anything, before
she continued in a voice that dripped disdain.

"Let me just say for the record that I am extremely disappointed to
find that my trust in you was misplaced."   She paused for a moment
to let that sink in fixing him with the stare that she had used to
face down unnumbered threats.

Tom allowed his mouth to quirk up in a sort of half-smile that
never reached his eyes "Really Captain, You should know that you're
certainly not alone; the Admiral was the first, but I'm sure you'll
understand if I assure you that you won't be the last." Her
expression was one of amazement.  This could not be the same Tom
Paris that had broken the Transwarp barrier, the same man who had
infiltrated Seska's camp. "You may be disappointed but I bet you're
not surprised so could you just spare me the standard Starfleet
rhetoric ?"

***

After Tom had left Captain Janeway held a meeting with Tuvok and
Chakotay hoping that they could give her some explanation.

"Gentlemen, insights if you will?"

"Captain, I'm not proud of what I did and I'll accept any
disciplinary action you decide on but I've got say, for the record,
that we knew from the beginning that there was a lot about him that
wasn't up to standard and as much as I'm sorry it came to this I
can't say that I wasn't half expecting it." Chakotay, although
disgusted by his own behavior was less than absolutely penitent.

Captain Janeway turns to Tuvok. Surely he can provide some much
needed point of view. 

"Captain there was a calculable risk in putting someone who had
proven to be either unable or incapable of maintaining personal
integrity in a position of such responsibility."

***

Captain Janeway finished glancing over Neelix's latest assessment
of the food stores, the bell chimed. Ensign Kim was here. Although
she doubted that he would be able to shed additional light on the
subject of Tom Paris' behavior she admitted that there was always
a chance. "Mr. Kim, you have something you wish to discuss."

"Captain, permission to speak freely?"

"Mr. Kim, your loyalty to Mr. Paris is commendable. However, I must
caution you that it also appears to be misplaced. Mr. Paris admits
to behavior unbecoming an officer as well as engaging in a drunken
brawl with Commander Chakotay. There can be no excuse for such
behavior and he, himself could offer none."

"That's just it Captain. Have you ever seen Tom not come up with an
out? I guess I know him better than anyone and I don't have a
reason for his behavior but I do know that there's something going
on that's not right." Janeway's heart went out to the ensign. He
and Tom had become like brothers during their time in the Delta
Quadrant.

"Harry, I know that it must hurt to see Tom reverting to his old
ways and you're right I'm sure you do know him better than anyone
else but that's just it maybe you don't have perspective on what's
happening here."

"No! With all due respect, Captain; you don't understand. Tom can't
go back to being that other person. He hated himself when he was .
He would never do that again. He's come too far. Look at everything
that he's done.  I don't know why he's acting like this but what I
do know is that there's more to it than any of us are seeing.

"You're suggesting that Tom wants us to think that he's turning
back into the bad boy of the Alpha Quadrant the one with the two
ton chip on his shoulder who no one could count on? And why would
that be?"

"All I'm saying is even when he was that man, he wasn't that bad
but everybody was really quick to think the worst of him. Think
back to when we first came on board, you, the doctor, Chakotay.
Everybody had this view of him and the worse they thought of him
the worse he was. I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling that
that's how it was with his Dad. All I know is that there's a whole
lot more to Tom Paris than what most people think. Every time
somebody slaps a label on him he just accepts it as if he believes
it too, as if there isn't this other Tom Paris doing all these good
things. Its like he can't ever redeem himself and he doesn't even
want to try anymore."

"Harry, have you spoken with him about this?"

"Captain, he won't talk to me- only at me. I don't know what went
on with him and B'Elanna but I'm sure that it all ties in together
but she won't talk to me either. I'm not saying I understand, I
just hate to think that everybody is so quick to give up on the man
they've known for three years in favor of a man they never knew."

***

Captain's Log: Personal. " Not so long ago I was congratulating
myself on my cleverness and on the well-adjusted nature of my crew.
Pride. A grievous failing and obviously one that I have more than
passing acquaintance with. Tom Paris. What a muddle. Reflecting on
Harry's words I am forced to examine what I know of the situation
and what I allowed myself to believe in the face of questionable
evidence. I would never have seen Tom as someone with a
self-confidence problem. But then defense mechanisms are like that,
you aren't supposed to see through them, and Tom has spent a long
time perfecting his. But why would it rear its ugly head now, when
everything was going so well? What I can't believe is how fast we
all were to fall back into the routine. Chakotay is only guilty of
being the most visible member of the crew. We were all ready to
write him off, not least of all myself. He knew what buttons to
push to get the reaction he wanted and in all likelihood that was
no doubt how the fight with Chakotay started. But why? B'Elanna
tells me that it was her fault, deep down she knew that Tom wasn't
capable of loving her.  Poor Tom. Nobody to believe in him, in the
end not even himself . And so it seems when faced with everything
that he had ever wanted he not only couldn't go for the brass ring
but he had to punish himself for even believing for a short time he
deserved it. He obviously cares for B'Elanna a great deal and after
deciding that he would never be good enough for her, he did the
best thing in his understanding for her . His concerns were for the
person he cared most about. He had thrown away his chance at
happiness. I cannot help but feel as though I watching one of my
Victorian Holonovels. Men. The question is, what am I going to do
about.  This crisis is bigger than just Tom. We are all in this
together and we need to be able to trust and believe in one another
as well as ourselves. There will no doubt be plenty of
opportunities to second guess decisions in the future but I will be
damned if I'll let ancient history tear this crew apart."

***

The doors to her ready room opened to admit Seven  Her newest
charge. Learning to be human again. How frightening that must be.
All those things that we all take for granted. Virtually blank
slate. Virtually, because Captain Janeway could sometimes see
expressions hidden in her eyes, faint resonance's of emotions that
she was beginning to remember. She would be all right. It hadn't
been an easy transition but she was definitely going to make it.
Not everyone had agreed with her decision to keep Seven on board.
There had been a lot of talk of risk and lack of trust, but the
crew was coming around. They were, in their own ways even trying to
help. Many people were trying to reach out and find some common
ground with her, hadn't just yesterday she seen Ensign Kim make yet
another overture of friendship to her. The Captain was proud of her
crew, of the way that even in the face of the unknown they were
responding well. If only she could make them understand that if
they could see Seven as worthy of a chance there was no reason to
see Tom any differently.  

***

"You require me to be part of a deception, Captain?" All emotion
was absent from her voice. Captain Janeway had noticed that that
only happened when Seven was faced with a problem that she felt she
had no means to solve.

"Deception seems a . . . Yes, a deception. We have discussed that
humans sometimes engage in things, that while on the surface may
not be the absolute truth, are designed to help or protect another
person." Her explanation sounded hollow, even to herself.

"The white lie." The Captain cringed.

"Yes, the white lie." Somehow, Captain Janeway doubted that
Starfleet Command would smile on her reintegrating a liberated Borg
into humanity by way of teaching her to lie.

"This will aid Lt. Paris?" She truly had no idea.

"Yes, this whole exercise is designed to aid Lt. Paris." 

"I will do it" The Captain couldn't help from smiling. This was
going to work. It had to. She didn't want to have to explain lying
and failure both in the same day.

***



"I want you all to understand that one of the most rewarding duties
of a Captain can also be one of the most painful; the protection
and welfare of this crew has always been and continues to be my
primary objective. In my desire to balance our duty as Starfleet
officers with my commitment to getting this crew back home I have
made decisions that have not been always been popular." She paused
to make eye contact with everyone at the table lingering a moment
at Chakotay. " It is this duty to the crew that brings me to
another decision. In my considered opinion the risk involved with
keeping Seven of Nine onboard outweighs the possible success of any
reintegration or sharing of Borg technology. She has managed to
assimilate a phenomenal number of things. Not only about the crew
but the ship as well and being unable to be certain of her
motivations has made her a liability. For that reason, I have
decided that she will be put off on the closest M class planet,
given sufficient supplies that we can spare as well as rudimentary
survival gear minus of course a subspace transmitter." The Captain
took a moment to look at everyone again, as if to gauge their
reactions. Not surprisingly Tom was the first to voice an opinion.

"NO! That's crazy. She's come so far, learned so much. Remember,
she's as much a victim as any of the races that we've seen to date
that the Borg have assimilated. Seven didn't choose what happened
to her. We can't just abandon her."

The Captain's voice was calm when she answered "Of course I don't
blame her, Tom but we can't ignore what she was. What she may well
still be. Didn't she try to take over the ship once? What's to stop
her from doing it again? It's just too big a risk if I can't trust
her."

Chakotay's voice was intense. "With all due respect Captain, trust
isn't automatic, its earned. If you can't get past Seven's time as
a Borg, over which she had no control, how can you be sure of the
former Maquis serving on this ship?

Tuvok's dispassionate voice enters the conversation. "She cannot
commander, she can only look at the way that the Maquis and
Starfleet crews have combined and barring individual acts of
betrayal as in the case of Seska and the spy trust in the common
interest of the two to maintain harmony."

"Besides, Seven wasn't Maquis, Chakotay, she was Borg. The same
standards hardly apply.

"She isn't Borg any more. The same way that none of us are the same
as when the Caretaker brought us here. We have all changed, been
changed, by events that none of us could control. And as sure as my
crew deserved the chance that you gave when you combined the crews
so does Seven. It would go against everything that we believe to
simply abandon one of our own. And she became one of ours the
moment we  brought her on board and forced her humanity on her. I
cannot condone any decision that would so deny the very principles
that we claim to represent."

"Duly noted Commander. However, my decision is not up for debate."

***

"You disagree as well, old friend? 

"Your reasoning is sound, infinitely logical and totally without
emotion.

"You say that as if it were still the wrong decision."

"Captain, I have served with you for many years, we have faced many
crisis' together, not the least of which have occurred here in the
Delta Quadrant. In all that time, I have never seen you make a
decision void of emotion. Your compassion and understanding are a
large part of what have made you an effective Captain, I am
concerned that you choose to ignore those parts of yourself now, as
well as other members of the command crew."

***

"Captain, may I speak? I've been thinking since our last talk. I've
come to a decision. When Seven is put planet-side I'd like to go
too.

"Leave the crew? Give up any hope of returning to the Alpha
Quadrant?

"Yes Ma'am"

"May I ask why?

"This latest thing with Chakotay has just brought it all to a head.
Isn't crew welfare your top priority. It's only a matter of time
before it happens again I'm obviously not 'fleet material. You've
got some adequate pilots, not as good as me, but then again, who
is? As for the Alpha Quadrant, there's nothing there to go home to.
Besides, wasn't the chance for adventure and exploration the reason
everyone joined Starfleet.?"

"I certainly can't speak for everyone Lt., but personally I never
really had a choice. If you are certain this is what you want?

"It is."

"Very well."

***

"There has been another development. Lt. Tom Paris will also be
going planet-side with Seven and with both matters resolved I trust
that we can all return to some degree of normalcy."

Chakotay's expression is incredulity squared. "Tom's the best pilot
we have, we can't just lose him. Besides that he is part of the
crew.  How many times has he saved lives at risk to his own"
Chakotay looks around the table, "Yours B'Elanna, Neelix, even you
Tuvok, myself and the Captain, we all owe that man our lives. We
cannot just maroon him

***

The Captain looked confused. "Haven't each of you told me how they
had never really believed that Tom had the capacity to change, that
he was still the same irresponsible n'er do well that I picked up
in Auckland. Well after the events of this past week I'm listening. 
You have all convinced me that my personal reclamation project is
a wash. An experiment that failed. I'm a scientist, I won't fight
the evidence anymore."

Their faces all mirrored shocked expressions. That wasn't the way
that they'd meant it all. Tom was the best pilot they had, he was
part of the crew it's just that well everybody knew who he'd been
before and you couldn't expect something like that to just go away.

 "I can not have someone on this ship whom no one trusts-- Everyone
second guessing his motivations, wondering when he was going to
screw up, no one able to trust him to do the right thing, no one to
give him the benefit of the doubt. That sort of thing doesn't go
unnoticed it's the ultimate self fulfilling prophecy . If you think
the worst will happen then it probably will. This discussion is
moot.  Tom requested to be put down on the planet and I for one
wonder who could blame him. He can't possibly be unaware that
everyone on board is just waiting for the old Tom Paris to rear his
head.

***

Chakotay sat very still trying to draw comfort from his animal
guide, but he cannot reach it. Kathryn's behavior was beyond
comprehension. Since he had taken the place of the ill-fated first
officer, he had come to respect her command, understand her as a
fellow officer and care for her as a person. But none of the
knowledge that he had gleaned over the years gave him insight into
her motivations now.  She was a very principled person who not only
upheld Starfleet ideas but honestly believed them. She had time and
again shown insight into situations that he himself would have
missed. Through everything, he had trusted her. He didn't always
agree, but he had always known that this woman was doing everything
in her power to achieve her objective of getting them home. He had
always taken comfort in the fact that she trusted him, on a
personal as well as a command level, and that even if they
disagreed they still had one anther's trust and respect.  He wasn't
prepared to give that up and so he would sit here all night if he
had to in order to make sense of her actions. He had never seen her
ready to write off any crew member . Hadn't she refused to let
Seven turn herself over to the Cataati, and Tom, he had dubbed him
her "personal reclamation project", she hadn't wanted to give up on
him, even when he had. . . Had what? What exactly had he done ?
Saved all their lives at least once, the ship a dozen times or
more. He had come up with holoprograms and was always helping
Neelix with some silly morale booster. Try as he might Chakotay
kept seeing all the good things Paris did, even his behavior with
B'Elanna had belied everything that everyone seemed to believe
about him. Up until they were beamed back on board after the
shuttle exploded. Chakotay realized that Tom's behavior was at
least as contrary to his norm as the Captain's.  But no one had
cared to look beyond the surface. Kathryn had been right in the
meeting. People hadn't trusted him enough to look beyond his
actions, himself least of all.  Tom had needed help and he'd had no
one to turn to. Hadn't Chakotay himself said he'd wished for more
for B'Elanna? And just like everyone else Tom hadn't thought he was
good enough for her. Chakotay was appalled by his blindness. He
could see the signs, now.  Even the fight in Sandrines, Tom had
never even taken a swing at him, just pushed him into a fight. What
had he said, "Guess everyone was right all along, I am a bastard."
What must that feel like : To know that no one believes in you,
that no matter what you do, you'll never measure up, that you'll
never be good enough. Chakotay saw that in his own mind Tom had
always been the Tom Paris that had wasted his chances. He was never
going to be good enough to make up for his past sins. God, what had
he done. He had to find the Captain.

***

B'Elanna couldn't believe the captain was going to let him do it.
Tom leaving. With her. She couldn't believe the things that Captain
and the others had said. To question Tom's loyalty to the ship was
crazy. Hadn't he shown everyone a hundred times over that he was a
very real part of this crew.  What else could the man have done? 
Sure, he'd made mistakes but he certainly wasn't alone in that.  He
had hurt her, but that didn't mean that she still didn't think he
was the best pilot in the Delta Quadrant and besides it wasn't as
if she hadn't been expecting it.  B'Elanna had known that there
wasn't much chance that he'd be hers for long but she had hoped. .
.  It had seemed so real to her.  Visions of Tom over the last
year; Tom holding her human half telling her that it was O.K. to be
scared, that everybody had scars and that that was O.K. too. She
thought about the little boy he had been with the buzz cut and the
man he had become. She saw him drenched in sweat fighting with a
bat'leh showing her in every way he could that her Klingoness
wasn't something to hide from or pretend didn't exist. The gentle
way that he had stroked her face and comforted her after that
surreal fight with Vorik.  He had been her friend, maybe even more
than Chakotay. He had done so much for her and gotten so little in
return. He hadn't been scared of her temper, of all of her
defenses. He had forced her to reevaluate so much. He had made her
fall in love with him.  He wouldn't let her hide from him or
herself.  He'd always been there, pushing her to be more, seeing
past the anger to the woman underneath. Proving a hundred ways that
he cared deeply. She remembered the look on his face when she'd
told him that she loved him.  It had been as if she had laid the
world out in front of him but he knew that he couldn't really have
it.  It was such a combination of hope and despair that she didn't
think that she would ever forget it. He had tenderly quieted her
when she spoke of dying without a shred of honor but she realized
that she still acting without honor. She hadn't trusted him , she
hadn't believed that he returned her love. Because he hadn't
returned her vow she had immediately had doubts and soon she was
more than willing to believe that she had been wrong about him.
After everything that he done she hadn't trust Tom to love her
back. Over the last year he had shown her in a dozens of ways that
she was important and that he cared deeply for her but she couldn't
believe in him enough to trust him. What had she done?? She had
been like everyone else. So quick to see the old Tom Paris. " It's
a sure fire way of not getting hurt", wasn't that what he'd said to
her. Was there any wonder he wanted to start over.  No one had
trusted him, least of all himself .  She didn't know if he would
ever be able to forgive her for not believing in him but she knew
that if she didn't try she'd never forgive herself. 

***

"What is it Chakotay ?  That it couldn't wait for morning." The
Captain looked bone tired and Chakotay hated to add to her problems
but this just couldn't wait.

"Captain, as your friend as well as your first officer, I must tell
you that putting Tom down on that planet would be a grievous
miscarriage of justice. It would be based on the worst sort of
prejudiced attitude. An attitude that I am ashamed to admit that I
contributed to. Having nothing to do with a good man and officer
and everything to do with an inability to see beyond a past that
doesn't matter anymore."

 She held up her hand and looked as though she wanted to interrupt.


"Kathryn, wait. Let me finish. I have realized that I have been at
best blind and at worst guilty of the basest of prejudices. In
allowing my own personal feelings to interfere with my duties, I
have failed in my responsibilities to both the crew and you. I have
unfairly judged not only a fellow human, but a fellow officer to
whom I owe my life. I'm asking that you reconsider your decision to
allow Lt. Paris to leave the ship and to accept my resignation."

Captain Janeway smiled a little sadly. "Three years ago I left
Earth with the assignment to pursue a Maquis vessel into the
badlands and to apprehend the Captain of said vessel; a promising
former captain in Starfleet who had joined the Maquis when he felt
Starfleet had failed him. Over the years, I have come to know that
man well. He is honorable to a fault. His respect for all life is
more than lip service to Federation ideals. He is a very real
reason why we are all still alive and together. Without his help
over that time, I do not believe we would have succeeded in coming
so far. However, not unlike his Captain, he is not perfect. And I
need him too much to accept his resignation, now or in the future.
" She poured him a cup of the coffee that never seemed far from her
these days and continued. 

"We are guilty.  Not of malice. But of failing to look beyond the
obvious. We saw exactly what Tom wanted us to see, what was easy to
see. However, we do not have the luxury of choosing the easy way.
We are facing a trip home that may well take fifty or more years.
If we are not able to find another being like the Caretaker or some
other means to return to the Alpha Quadrant we are looking at a
long term need to preserve not only the physical well-being of this
crew but its mental health as well. Although the EMH has been an
effective physician, we have no counselor on board and the metal
health of this crew has been left much to the discretion of Neelix.
You and I, Chakotay have to try to understand and even anticipate
problems before they arise. This situation with Tom has brought
home the fact that surviving isn't enough. Communications has to be
the key. If it hadn't been for Harry, I might well have made the
worst decision of my command. The lines of communication have to be
opened and they have to stay that way. I don't want any more
surprises."

Understanding dawned in Chakotay's eyes. "So you never intended to
put Seven or Tom off the ship? This was an elaborate illustration
in prejudice?"

"I needed to make everyone understand, including Tom, how
unreasonable it is to judge someone on the past."

Although duly chastened, Chakotay couldn't resist asking, "Was
Tuvok privy to your lesson?"

She laughed. "Actually he became concerned with my faculties when
he determined that I had made a completely unemotional, logical
decision and so I was forced to explain my intentions to him." The
Captain paused and looked at Chakotay. "Chakotay, if I may ask,
what made you change your mind?"

"You, Captain. I was meditating, trying to make sense of your
actions because I trusted you and I had resolved to try until they
made some sense to me. When I realized that as unable as I was to
fathom your actions when they were such a departure from your usual
behavior, I'd had no such trouble with Paris. I realized that I had
never really allowed myself to trust Tom. It hadn't even been a
conscious decision. Because of that, I was able to just accept his
behavior and fit it to my understanding of him. Although I
appreciate having the opportunity to realize my error, on my own,
I must admit I wouldn't have minded you letting me in on your
insight earlier."

"Really, Chakotay. I'm only the Captain; I can't do everything."

***

Sandrines.  Tom sat thinking about his life again and wondering
what he would have done differently when B'Elanna came in. She's
wearing dress she'd gotten for her dinner with Tom. She pretends as
though she doesn't see him and orders a drink. from the bartender
who asks how she is, per his programming. 

"Hi. My name is B'Elanna Torres and I am one of the two most
insecure people on this ship." At his bemused smile she continues
" It's a good thing too, because I'm in love with the other one and
I know he's in love with me." She tried to take courage from the
drink. "Its just that I know that I've hurt him pretty badly and I
want, no, I need to make it better."

Tom goes to leave, he can't listen to this.

"Computer, initiate Torres alpha 2."

The vastness of space and the feel of an EVA suit. " Tom open your
eyes look at me: I have to tell you the truth I love you, but more
than that I believe in you. You are one of the strongest people I
know You're everything I ever wanted and was afraid I'd never have.
You're noble and good and sacrificing and defensive and pigheaded
and arrogant. And between the two of us we've got enough baggage to
fill a starship. But Tom, I want to try and I want it to work."  

Tom's voice cracked, "Computer end program,"  Tom looked at
B'Elanna, "I can't do this again. This was your one chance to get
rid of me, I cant walk away again." He waited for the meaning to
sink in. She swung at him, "There won't be anymore walking away and
if you pull something like this again I swear I'll make sure you
won't be able to walk away." Tom put his arms around B'Elanna.

"Couldn't you have left off pigheaded, just this once?"