0530.  Damn.  Another sleepless night.  Just what I  didn't need. Not now.           *Well what did you expect?*  The voice that had been nagging me for the past week wasback.  You know what's going to happen in the morning.       "Shut up."  I muttered to the persistent voice.  "Go away. I thought I got rid of you.  Ididn't need another lecture.  I need my sleep."          *Right You can't look like you had a sleepless night .* There was almost a dry tone to thevoice.  Might make you look guilty.    *And we can't have that.  Can we?*            "What do you want with me?" I asked  "And why don't you go away?"      *Just popping in to remind what need to do at the hearing.  But you don't need me forthat, do you Tommy boy?*      "I know what I have do at tomarrow's hearing."  I replied through  clenched teeth. "Thenit will over. I'll be able to get on with my life."     There was a snort of laughter. *You think you'll just be able to go back  as if nothinghappened?  The voice asked.   You'll just go back to your old life and pick up where you leftoff?*        "Yeah,  maybe."  But I knew better.  Knew that  forgetting about the crash, getting onwith his life  wasn't going to that easy, nothing ever was, but at least one the hearing was over itwouldn't be the focus of everyone's life. It wouldn't be the hot topic of the day.     "If everyonewill stop talking about it, maybe I can ... forget it."  I was grasping at straws, but then what elsedid I have to hold on to.      *Yeah right. You know that's  not going to happen.  You can't even close your eyeswithout  flashing back to the crash.   But you keep telling yourself  that it's over. You  might even convice yourself  one of these years.*      "One of these years???"   It wasn't something I really wanted to hear.  I just wanted toforget the past two weeks. Pretend they had never happened.      *One of these years. The voice repeated,  like my father when he was lecturing me forone of my screw ups.  Becuase no matter what else you do,  this will be with for the rest of yourlife. People might as well know the reason why you feel so guilty.*     "Will you shut up about people knowing?"  I asked.  "You want me to  risk everything?"      *What do you mean by  'everything'?*       "What?"  I asked.  As far I was concerned "everything" was  self explanatory.      *What do you by 'everything'?  What is it you are so afarid of lossing?*     "Well let's start with my career with Starfleet."  I began.   "My plan for the admiralty?  Noone going to trust me with command.... I'll never even get my own ship."  There were otherthings I would lose if the truth came out... some of them I couldn't even begin to consider....        *What plans for the admiralty?*   The tone was snide, almost sarcastic.     "Just the ones that I've had all ..." I began, but was interupted yet again. It was myconscious.... always with the smart remark.      *No!  You mean the one that the family has had for you  since before you were born.*     "Leave the family out of this." I growled.   "They have nothing to do with this."       *Lair.  They has everything to do with this. In fact they are  the ones you can't face.*     "No!  That's not true."  I said the words softly, but  wanted to shout them. That couldn't be the reason.  It just couldn't.  I could face my family. They would hurt, they would be mad,  butthey wouldn't... would  they?  "My Starfleet carceer is very important to me."          *I never said  your Strafleet carceer  wasn't important to you.  In fact it's  very importantto you. True, you don't have the goals your family would like it to have,  but that's not the point.  Right now we're talking about how much you need your family's love and  acceptance.*       "Is there something wrong with that?"  I asked.  Everyone wants to be part of their family,didn't they?      * No.  It's perfectly  normal.  But that's not the issue here.  What is at issue is hoe howscared you are that you'll lose that love, that accpetence when the truth comes out... That whenyour family learns that your not perfect,   they won't want you anymore....*           I didn't want to think about that. My family would support me even if I screwed up.Wouldn't they?  I don't need to perfect to be a Paris. Right?   "What do you know about it?"  Iasked.      *Enough to know you  have reason to worry.  But that if you are to be true to yourself, you  have to take that risk. *     "Why?"  I asked.  "You already said that I have reason to worry.  So why do I have to risklosing ..."  It wasn't something I could easily say. Risk losing my family     * It's the  only way you can honnor the other pilots is to tell the world what happened.  It'sthe only way to make sure that justice is served. *     "Justice?" I asked, not able  beleive that the voice had chosen that word.  "There isn't anyjustice in this universe. "   If there were any I would have died in that crash,  either along with, orinstead of,  the others.      *You may be right,  but it didn't work out that way..  You surrived the crash and somedayyou will have to learn to live with that fact.*     "I don't know if I can." I said softly. "I'm even sure I want to."           *You don't have a choice.*       "Yes,  I do."  he replied.  There was one way out, but I didn't have the guts for it.    "Idon't have to live with this..."     *Oh no you don't. That would be the easy way.  This one time you're not going to take theeasy way. *            "So what do  I do  now?"  I asked.      *Tell the truth... *     "And after they cashier me out?"  I asked with a hint of a smile.      *I'm sure you'll find something.*       "Thank's a lot for the vote of confidince..." I muttered.  The sun was begining to rise..Time to get up. I rolled out of bed and began to dress.     *I never said that you were going to get off easy. It will probably cost you everything.*     "Then why I'm I doing it?" I wanted know as I took out my dress uniform.          *Because you may be a lot of things, but a lair isn't one of them...*     "If I'm not a lier,  then why did I lie?"  I asked as is brgan to dress. I didn't know what theresponse would be.       *You're not perfect. You had a moment of weakness.*  the tone was calmer, more gentle.  *You didn't want to face the fact you screwed up so you lied.  And when you lie to yourself,  howcan you tell the truth to anyone else?*     "And now... I've admitted the truth, at least to myself.  Only I can't live with the.... "     *.....With the lies you told earlier.*                 "So I don't have a choice... do I?"       *No.  You don't.  The one thing you can't hide from in yourself.*      I sat back on my bed for a minute and closed my eyes,  and made my decsion. It was timeto the hearing board.  Now that I made my choice I justed wanted it done with. .  One last glancein the mirror. Spit and polish. Not that would help any,  but what the hell did I have to lose? Other then everything,  that is?   I smiled slightly as I looked in the reflection of the mirror.  Oneway or the other, this would be a hearing that no one would soon forget.