My Heart Will Go On by Timina@aol.com February 1998 Introduction: This story is inspired by Celine Dion’s song “My Heart Will Go On” from the movie “Titanic.” I just thought that song was perfect for an angst story about Tom and B’Elanna. This story is an Alternate-Universe story based on the “Day Of Honor” episode. What if their EVAC suits weren’t equipped to share oxygen with each other? That is the premise of this story. Warning: If the idea of a character death bothers you, please read no further. Pairing: P/T Rating: PG Disclaimer: All Star Trek characters belong to Paramount. No copyright infringements intended. Archiving: The story will be archived at my website, the P/T Official Collective Archive and the PTF Archive. Do not archive anywhere else. Feedback: Always welcomed, appreciated and acknowledged! ================================================================ My Heart Will Go On by Annie “Grandma? Who is this man?” B’Elanna, gray-haired, beautiful and still sprightly that belied her advanced years, looked up at the sound of her granddaughter’s, Jeanette, curiousity-filled voice. Her fingers, busily working on her latest home project, stilled as she caught sight of the man in the picture. Gods, she had forgotten that she had even kept it! *Has it been that long?* “Was he someone special?” Jeanette’s brow furrowed as she studied the face of the man smiling back at her. A tender smile graced B’Elanna’s face as long-ago memories and emotions associated with the man in the picture came rushing back. “Yes, sweetheart,” she said softly. “He was someone very special.” “Who was he?” Jeanette plopped down next to her grandmother and snuggled close. B’Elanna put an arm around her shoulder and took the picture. With a trembling finger she traced the outline of the man’s features. “His name was Tom...” ----------------------------------------- //Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you That is how I know you go on Far across the distance and spaces between us You have come to show you go on// ----------------------------------------- The transwarp experiment had gone horribly awry and ended up with B’Elanna Torres ordering a warp-core dump. The core had remained thankfully intact and there was nothing else to do but have someone tractor it back to Voyager. B’Elanna looked nervously at Tom Paris when Captain Kathryn Janeway ordered both of them to go out in a shuttle to retrieve the dumped warp core. Since their quarrel that ended with Tom storming out of her quarters, she and Tom hadn’t spoken except during on duty. She had tried to get up the courage to speak with him but every time those blue eyes trained on her, she lost her nerve and covered it up with gruff orders. Perhaps time alone in the shuttle would give her a chance to apologize. After all, where could Tom go? B’Elanna sneaked a look at Tom who was walking a few steps ahead of her. *You idiot,* she scolded herself. *Why don’t you just admit that you love him? You’re so afraid of getting hurt. You know Tom cares for you!* *Does he still?* B’Elanna wondered. Then there was no more time to think about it for they had reached the shuttlebay and Tom was powering up the engines. Once the shuttle was underway, they both settled back into their seats, the silence between them stretching uncomfortably. The shuttle shook and B’Elanna quickly ran a scan. “We’re getting near some random ion turbulence.” “I’m changing course to avoid it,” Tom replied, his voice blandly professional. “I wonder what else could go wrong today,” she sighed, sinking back again into her chair and crossing her arms in front of her. “If we get this core back, I’m going right to bed and sleeping straight through tomorrow. Get this day over with.” To her relief, Tom smiled. “Oh, look at it this way. How much worse could it get? Having to dump the core has to be the low point of any day,” he sympathized. They found out later that things *could* get worse. The Cataati had claimed Voyager’s warp core for their own and in a struggle to get it back, the Cataati had sent an anti-matter beam back to their shuttle that destabilized the hull’s structural integrity. They had no choice but to beam out into space. Tom and B’Elanna could only look on helplessly as their shuttle exploded in a fiery burst of light. They quickly sent out a phased carrier wave to let Voyager know their location. They just hoped that the signal would still be strong enough to reach Voyager. There was nothing else to do but wait to be rescued and to talk. They were having a conversation about a space walk course in the Academy when suddenly their bodies shook and a wave of intense bright light washed over them. “What the hell was that?” Tom demanded, his voice tinged a little by fear. “More ion turbulence,” B’Elanna responded. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tom tapping the controls in his suit. She began a systems check on her suit and noted that her oxygen level had depleted from a 5 hour supply to 2 hours which didn’t really worry her. She was confident that Voyager would receive their signal and rescue them in plenty of time. Other than that, her suit was still intact. “Are you okay?” Tom asked, his hand on her shoulder. B’Elanna nodded. “Yes, except that ion turbulence damaged my oxygen container. I only have about 2 hours worth of oxygen.” She looked at the last readings. “Everything else checks out. How about you?” “I’m fine,” Tom replied calmly. B’Elanna looked up sharply. His voice had sounded *too* calm and she peered more closely at his eyes. Cold sharp fear pierced her as she registered the look of calm resignation on his face. “Let me take a look at your controls,” she demanded. “Why, B’Elanna,” he teased, “what controls do you mean?” “Tom...” her voice brooked no nonsense. She stretched out her hand. Sighing, Tom reluctantly laid his wrist on her palm. B’Elanna’s fingers quickly flew over the controls. She sucked in her breath as the displays flashed red. *That can’t be!* she dismissed the readings. Her fingers were trembling as she ran another systems check. But the systems controls still beeped out red. “Oh gods,” she exhaled, turning ice-cold as the horror of Tom’s situation hit her squarely in the gut. “Tom... you’re oxygen supply....” “I know,” Tom nodded. “I checked the readings twice too. I only have about 10 minutes worth of oxygen supply left. If I lower the oxygen ratio, I can probably get an extra 10 minutes.” Neither voiced the thought that with only the impulse engines to power the ship, 20 minutes was not enough time for Voyager to reach them. He would run out of oxygen by then. He looked apologetically at B’Elanna. “I’m sorry.” “What are you sorry for?” Her mind raced. Was there a way for her to jury-rig the suits so that they could share her oxygen supply? “I didn’t want you to have to go through this,” he said quietly. “Wait. I’m trying to think…” She refused to believe that there was nothing she could do. There *had* to be a way for them to share her oxygen. B’Elanna tried desperately to remember how the suits worked but she knew the suits were designed to be self- sufficient and with no provision to share oxygen with another person. “Damn!” she cursed angrily under her breath. B’Elanna hated the feelings of frustration and helplessness that swamped her. Surely there must be *something* she could do for Tom. She just couldn’t stand by and do nothing! But the more she tried to think of all and any possible way to reconfigure their suits, the more she was forced to accept that there was nothing she *could* do. And even if there had been a way, without any sort of tools or equipment to work with, implementing repairs would have been impossible. “Oh, Tom...” Anguish made her voice break. “It’s okay....” Tom gathered her into his arms. His head settled on her shoulder as he tried to comfort her. B’Elanna didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry for it was almost bizarre. He was the one facing death and *he* was comforting *her*! “B’Elanna?” Tom raised his head after a few minutes. “Yes, Tom?” She gazed into his eyes. “All these years we’ve spent together on Voyager and I really don’t know much about you.” “What do you want to know?” “Everything.” “Everything?” she squeaked. Tom’s lips quirked. “Yes, everything. Tell me about your parents, where you grew up, your childhood.” “You’ll be bored,” she warned and was stunned when Tom actually laughed. “No, I won’t be. I promise.” Tom smiled. B’Elanna returned the smile. “Okay, then.” She started with how her parents met, fell in love and gotten married. She told Tom how she was devastated when her beloved father left when she was only five years old. Tom’s hand on her shoulders tightened and B’Elanna acknowledged the sympathetic gesture with a slight smile and a nod. She continued with how she ended up at the Academy, why she eventually left and how Chakotay recruited her into the Maquis. All this time B’Elanna was speaking, Tom remained silent, conserving air by not talking. But she knew that he was listening to every word she said by the intense look in his blue eyes. // Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you’re here in my heart And my heart will go on and on.// *Tell him!* a voice screamed. *Tell him you love him while there’s still time.* “Tom...” she began courageously, gathering her resolve. “Mmmmm…” “I have to tell you something.” “Me too.” His voice was beginning to get slurred. “I’m glad the last thing I’ll see is you.” “I have to tell you something,” she repeated. “I have to tell you the truth.” “The truth about what?” “I … -” *Go on, B’Elanna, say it!* Tom waited expectantly, his eyes flicking over B’Elanna’s face. “I love you.” The words came out in a rush and hung between them. B’Elanna breathlessly waited for Tom to respond. For a moment she wasn’t even sure if he heard her. “Say something,” she entreated. She placed a hand on his helmet and longed to caress his face. “You picked a great time to tell me.” It was a typically flip Paris response but the expression on his face was anything but. Sorrowful regret creased his face - regret that it was too late for them. B’Elanna was suddenly flooded with images of them getting married, having kids and growing old together. Of an elderly Tom lifting her wrinkled hand to his lips and planting a soft, affectionate kiss on it. And of her smiling back at him naughtily. And from the way Tom was looking at her, she knew that he was having the same images of that life. But it was a life they knew they were not destined to have together. “Tom...” she said hoarsely, the lump in her throat becoming harder and harder to swallow down. //Love can touch us one time And last for a lifetime And never let go till we’re gone. Love was when I loved you One true time I hold too In my life we’ll always go on.// The computer began to count down Tom’s oxygen supply. They faced each other, blue eyes boring deep into dark ones. B’Elanna wanted this moment to last forever. Always to see his blue eyes alight with life. How can she live without that light? Her eyes clouded over with unshed tears. “I don’t know how I’ll live without you, Tom.” Tom spoke softly. “You’ll go on, B’Elanna. You’ll find someone who’ll love you as much as *I love you*. *I love you.* The simple but eloquent declaration burned into her soul. Their faces moved closer until their face helmets touched, their lips separated by thick panes of glass. // Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you’re here in my heart And my heart will go on and on.// “I’m so sorry, Tom...” B’Elanna’s voice shook. “Shhh. It’s okay.” Tom caressed her helmet gently. “How can you be so brave?” she sniffed back the sobs that threatened to come out. Tom smiled wryly. “Me?” he said in a deprecating, slightly teasing tone. “I’m not brave at all.” “Tom, you’re the bravest man I know,” B’Elanna said forcefully, shaking him a little to reinforce her statement. His eyes dropped. “I *was* afraid at first,” he finally admitted. “But I’ve been thinking a lot about my life on Voyager. How the past years have been really good to me. How lucky I am to have Harry for a best friend. How the crew seemed to accept me as part of the crew. The trust Captain Janeway showed in me by letting me pilot her ship. Even the way Chakotay seems to have mellowed towards me. But most of all, I’m especially thankful I found you.” He looked up at B’Elanna and a smile lit up his face. “All in all, I’d say it’s been a good life.” B’Elanna’s eyes shone with a combination of pride and admiration. “That’s why I’m not afraid anymore. You’re here with me. That’s all I could ever ask.” He gently cupped her face. “Oh, but I’m going to miss you so much.” He reached for her waist and pulled her close. // You’re here, there’s nothing I fear And I know that my heart will go on// The computer tonelessly intoned, “Oxygen level is depleted.” Tom’s face gave no sign that he heard the death knell but his fingers tightened on B’Elanna’s waist. “Don’t let me go,” Tom whispered as he focused on B’Elanna’s face, as if to burn her image in his mind during the last few minutes of his life. “I won’t. I’ll never let you go,” B’Elanna promised fervently, struggling to fight back the tears. *Oh gods no! Not yet. Just a few more minutes please! Don’t leave me, Tom!* she silently begged. //We’ll stay forever this way You are safe in my heart And my heart will go on and on.// “B’Elanna?” Tom struggled to get the words out. “Yes, my love?” B’Elanna responded softly. “Tell my dad I love him.” Her heart broke at his plaintive plea, his attempt to somehow reconcile with the estranged father who was thousands of light years away. “I will, Tom. I promise.” “I love you, B’Elanna...” and the way Tom said it was almost prayerful. Their bodies clung desperately to each other. She heard his laborious sighs and she couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and it scalded down her cheeks. Tom was dying and she couldn’t do a thing to help him. Except tell him again and again the one most important thing she could say. “I love you. I love you.” She kept repeating it until it became a mantra. B’Elanna’s heart constricted as she felt Tom’s body shudder and fight for every last bit of air, for every remaining molecule of oxygen. She heard his desperate gasps for air, his ragged breathing echoing inside his helmet as his lungs still struggled to breathe. B’Elanna’s waist ached at the intense grip of Tom’s fingers but she endured it wordlessly. Her fingers clenched convulsively on his shoulders as, conversely, the tight pressure on her waist slowly loosened. And she knew that he was dead. Her Tom was dead. B’Elanna raised her eyes up to the stars and heart-wrenching screams were torn from her throat as overwhelming grief and regret consumed her. “Oh Tom, Tom…” she sobbed his name over and over as she cradled Tom’s lifeless body in her arms. Voyager arrived an hour later and beamed them back on board. All she could remember was Harry’s tear-stricken face, his arms holding her close as they both grieved over the death of their closest friend. --------------------------------------------- The sounds of quiet sniffling brought B’Elanna back to the present. She wiped the tears that stained her grand-daughter’s face. “That’s so sad, grandma. To lose the man you love,” Jeanette cried. “I did love him very much. For years I didn’t know if I could love again but your Grandpa Harry was always there for me and one day I realized I loved him very much.” B’Elanna’s eyes met the solemn dark eyes of her husband who was leaning on the doorway. She held out her hand. Harry walked towards his wife and cupped her fingers in his palm, lifting it up to his lips for a quick kiss, his mouth curving into a gentle smile as their eyes met once more. She beamed a loving smile at him. Harry had given her the time she needed to come to terms with her grief. He had been so extraordinarily patient with her. In a part of her heart, she still loved Tom but the love she felt for Harry was equally intense. To her great joy, Harry had shyly revealed that he loved her and always have. They got married soon after. When years later they found a way back to the Alpha Quadrant, B’Elanna carried out her promise to Tom. She delivered Tom’s last message to his father, Admiral Owen Paris, and it had been so poignant, meeting him for the first time. Admiral Paris had wept unashamedly at the news of Tom’s death but was grateful to know, that in the end, his son still loved him and bore him no ill will. B’Elanna and Admiral Paris parted ways that day with promises of future visits and stories to tell. The happiest day, however, in B’Elanna’s and Harry’s life was when the Doc informed them that B’Elanna was pregnant and that she was going to have a son. Harry and B’Elanna had joyfully looked at each other, smiling, and they both just knew that they were going to name their son Thomas Eugene. //That is how I know you go on// The End Thank you for reading my story! As always, I hope you enjoyed it and I would love any feedback you would like to share. Annie Page 10