A Memory of Love
By: Kathryn Rae

Synopsis:
	An acident in Engeenering takes B’Elanna’s life and Tom tried to 
come to terms with the loss as he perpars for her furneral

Disclamer:
	These characters do not belong to me, nor did I create them.  I am 
only browing them.  Thank you Paromaount for the use of your characters.

	Death.  According to the dictionary death it is, a permanent 
idleness of all vital functions: The end of life.  The cause or occasion 
of loss of life.  And the dead are deprived of life.  Or so the 
dictionary tell us.  Deprived of a life time of memories, hopes, wishes, 
and love.  But can’t death be defined as a loss of love. Everyone who 
was has died must have been loved at one time or another during their 
life. 
	Heaven.  The dictionary saids that heaven is the dwelling place of 
the supreme being and the joyful abode of the blessed dead.  But does 
everyone go there or do some live a eternal life in hell?  What makes a 
person righteous enough to live the after life in heaven rather than 
hell?  
	These were the thoughts running through Tom Paris’ mind.  They 
were the hard questions, ones with no logical answers.  Not even Tuvok 
would have been capable of finding the answer to those questions.  Yet 
somehow these question seemed easier to ask; easier than the question 
with the answers.  The one question he needed the answer to was a 
question that he found not only lacking for an answer, but a question 
that hurt to much to ask.  He was afraid of the answer.  The question:  
Why?  Why had she died?  She was in all cases  deprived of live, not to 
mention love.  
	The news had reached his ears very early that morning.  Harry had 
called him over the comm system.  B’Elanna was dead.  She was killed in 
engineering a few hours earlier by an explosion.  He hadn’t bothered to 
find out what kind of explosion or any of the events that had 
transpired.  It didn’t matter what kind of explosion, or even why the 
explosion had occurred. The answers would never have the power to bring 
B’Elanna back.  
	A furneral service was scheduled  for 11:00 hours the following 
day.  Chakotay arranged for most of the details but Tom felt like he 
needed to do something.  B’Elanna was his wife.  He didn’t want only one 
person to read the eulogy.  B’Elanna had influenced  everyone on the 
ship and they should all have the right to tell their stories.  The only 
thing he had to do was find a way to live the rest of his life with out 
her. 
	That night he didn’t want to go out,  he didn’t want to seen.  He 
just want to sit in the rooms that he had sat in with B’Elanna.  The 
questions slowly can floating back in to his head.  Why did she have to 
die, Why Did she have to die, Why Did She have to die, Why Did She Have 
to die, WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DIE!?  That one question screamed over and 
over  in his mind.   They had everything!   They had love, they were 
trying to have a baby.  They were going to start a family.  Now what was 
left?  Empty chair, an empty side of the bed, an empty position that no 
one could ever fill, and a broken heart.  A heart that was tearing 
apart, a heart that was missing something.  A wound that could never be 
healed. And then he started to remember.
	He  remembered every moment that they had shared together.  The 
vidians, being stuck in the caves with her when she had the Pon-Far.  
The day of Honor when they almost died and she told him she loved him.  
The day he asked her to marry him.  Their wedding day and the honeymoon.  
His tears could no longer be held back.  The brick wall was crumbling  
and he willingly gave in. He layed back on the bead clutching the pillow 
that B’Elanna had once laid on.  He soon fell into a tormented sleep.
	His dreams were filled with even more memories.  And soon they 
changed from memories to thoughts of the futhure.  He saw the birth of 
their children, he watched B’Elanna holding them.  The children began to 
grow.  He saw them at 2, 5, 10, 13, 16.  Soon they were grown up and 
were having a family of their own.  But in his dreams there was still  
B’Elanna and they aged together  and  lived in happiness.  
	Tom woke with a start.  It had seemed like a wonderful dream but 
the dream  there were hidden dragons waiting for him.  He thought back 
on the dream.  There wasn’t going to be any kids, no watching them grow 
and no living happily ever after with B’Elanna.  The night continued 
like this, thoughts of what his life could have been with B’Elanna.  Tom 
could see how  happy he appeared in the dreams.  The last dream turned 
into a nightmare.  This dream was different from all the others.  In 
this dream there was no B’Elanna.  He went throughout life alone, he 
never found love with any other, he grew old alone and died alone.  He 
was awakened this time by the computer, telling him that it was time to 
get up.  
	 As he walked slowly down the corridor toward the mess hall he 
wished deep in his heart that this was all a dream.  That soon the 
computer would wake him and he would find B’Elanna lying right next to 
him.  But as he stepped into the mess hall he knew it was no dream, it 
was real and the pain was worse than ever.  
	Tom was the first to talk about B’Elanna.  He hadn’t written 
anything down but some how he knew he was not going to need it.  This 
was going to come from the heart and there was no way he would ever need 
to write down what he felt in side.  It would never leave him.  
	“What is death?  A dictionary would say that death is a permanent 
idleness of all vital functions: The end of life.  The cause or occasion 
of loss of life.  And the dead are, deprived of life.  Well, In every 
way, B’Elanna was deprived of life.  But the life she lead touched us 
all.  We all have our memories of her. I hope most are good, but either 
way they are still the way we all will remember her.  For me I will 
remember her as a loving caring person.  There was never a dull moment 
when she was around.  She went throughout many struggles during her 
life.  Her father left when she was five, she left home on bad terms 
with her mom.  She had a bad temper when she first got here, but because 
she was finally being excepted by people she tried for the first time to 
control it. Us being here is enough to prove that she succeed.  
	“Over the past day I have wondered alot of what comes after death.  
Is heaven real.  The   dictionary would call heaven, the dwelling place 
of the supreme being and the joyful abode of the blessed dead.  I began 
to wonder if everyone went there.  But the more I thought about this 
question the more I realized that it didn’t matter because I knew that 
either way she would be in heaven.  
	“When B’Elanna first told me she loved me, I wanted to kiss her, 
but, you see, I couldn’t.   We were stuck in Enviromental suit floating 
in space.  We were moments away form death.  I told her it was a great 
time to tell me.”  Tom laughted a little.  What I should have told her 
was that I was glad she had at least told me.  I could have died happily 
with that thought in my mind.  For some reason we were saved.  Saved to 
spend the rest of our lives together.  B’Elanna was afraid of dying 
without honor.  I don’t think she has to worry about that.  In every 
story we tell about her she shows honor and courage and she was the 
single most honorable person that I have ever met.   Many obstacles 
tried to stop us but in the end we won out. Well almost, there is one 
obstacle that not even we could overcome.  I only wish I could have been 
there to tell her that I loved her.  I know she knew it, but just like I 
could have died happy after she told me, I am sure it would have 
conforted her.  All I can do is hope that she is listening because 
B’Elanna we all love you and this is for you. We would like to share our 
memories of you with each other because the memories we have are to 
precious to keep to our selves. I love you B’Elanna.  I always will.”
	Kathryn was the next to speak.
	“When I first met B’Elanna she seemed like a hotheaded   young 
lady,  but I new she had talent.  Voyager seemed like a ship of new 
beginnings.  I can say that was true for B’Elanna.  She was a great 
engineer and a wonderful friend.  It seems impossible to choose just one 
memory to describe my relationship with B’Elanna.  I saw her on her good 
days and on her bad days and she made it throughout even the worst days.  
Only death could stop her, that tells something in it’s self.  When I 
was presumed dead, B’Elanna thanked me for believing in her when others 
didn’t, for trusting her, and giving her the chance for a new life.  I 
would give anything now to bring her back. but there are somethings that 
even a captain can’t do.  The only other thing I can say about B’Elanna 
is that she possessed courage that others lacked.  It was truly an honor 
serving with her.” 
	Joe Carey had asked to share a memory that he had of B’Elanna.
	“When I first started working with B’Elanna.   We both wanted the 
position of Chief engineer.  We started fighting over how to fix 
something, and it ended with B’Elanna punching me in the nose. Needless 
to say she broke my nose.   I heard she was confined to her quarters 
until she could calm down.  I am ashamed to say that I thought as a 
result of her actions that I would be promoted to Chief Engineer, but to 
my shock she was given the job.  Now that position that we both desired 
is empty.  Only this time there is no one to challenge me to the 
position.  I would gladly give it to her if she were here, but she is 
not.  I only hope I can fill the wide gap that my predecessor has left.”  
	Harry asked to be next.
	“I met B’Elanna in the ocampa city.  We both had been infected 
with the caretaker’s decease.  A joke started there that continued up 
till the time of her death.  I had first called her Marquis and she 
called me Starfleet.  Suprisingly, when I think about it now, I wasn’t 
afraid when I first met her.  She was as wild as can be, but I saw past 
that.  She was just as  afraid and confused as I was .  She was always 
strong and it was because of her that we survived.  She kept me moving 
when all I wanted to do was sit and sleep.  From then on we became good 
friends.  I valued her option and I value it even more now.  She married 
my best friend and by that I felt an even stronger friendship forming.  
I am really going to miss her and she by no means desired to die.  She 
was a wonderful women and she is a sever loss of life. Out of all of us 
she should have been the on to survive. this one’s for you Marquis.”
	Each person stepped up and told the precious memories they 
possessed.  There was not a dry eye in the whole room, except for Tuvok.  
But even he seemed a little different in his own Vulcan sort of way.  
Chakotay was the last to talk.
	“B’Elanna was like a little sister to me.  She had lived a rough 
life and the Marquis was the first real family she had .  I felt the 
need to protect her.  She had been hurt so many times that I didn’t want 
her to be hurt ever again.  I soon learned that I couldn’t be that 
protective of her, because she needed room to grow. When we came on 
board Voyager I was a concerned about how she would adjust.  At first it 
seemed that she wasn’t doing well, but suddenly she changed.   I was so 
proud.  She really began to grow and mature.  She was starting to 
control the temper that  I thought could never be controlled.  She 
amazed me by doing that.  She even fell in love.   I have to admit, was 
a little worried when she started to go out with Tom, but soon I found 
that there was no reason for me to worry.  She even asked me to walk her 
down the alas on her wedding day.  She was the best friend I had ever 
had and I know that everyone in this room would give their life for her 
and would do anything to have her back .  But as long as we remember her 
she will always be with us.’
	Tom stood up again and thanked everyone for coming.
	“I would like to thank you for coming.  I know B’Elanna would have 
really appreciated it.  This was a great way to honor her.  As Chakotay 
said  as long as we remember her she will always be with us.”
	Everyone slowly left after paying Tom their respects. Harry came 
and stood beside him.  He placed a conforming hand on his shoulder. 
After everyone had left Harry spoke.
	“Tom.  Have dinner with me?”
	“No thank you Harry, I really appreciate it,but there is something 
I have to do.  I’ll see you in the morning.”
	 With that Tom left the mess hall and headed for his quarters.  
B’Elanna had a log entry that she had written in case something happened 
to her.  Until now Tom hadn’t read it, he couldn’t find the strength.  
Howevere, after hearing all the memories that people had of B’Elanna.  
He was able to find the strength.
He sat down in front of the computer console and selected the log entry.  
He opened and it there was B’Elanna’s beautiful face staring back at 
him.  She was more beautiful than she had remembered.  She then began to 
speak.
	“ Tom, you must remember that I will always love you and I know 
that you love me.  I must have died if you are reading this.  I need you 
to know that I am no longer afraid of dying without honor because I know 
now that I have always had honor.  All I had to do was look inside 
myself.  The best thing in my life was coming aboard Voyager.  I have 
never regretted that choice.  Don’t you.  I loved my life on Voyager and 
I loved my life with you.  I am so glad that I told you that I loved 
you.  If I hadn’t we would have never had such a wonderful life 
together.  I’m sure that you are taking my death  in a hard way.  I wish 
you wouldn’t.  The time we spent together was the best time of my life.  
What we had is something that people spend their hole life looking for 
and many never find it.  Why dwell on what we might have had?  Remember 
the time, that we had together and how happy we were.  Keep those 
memories fresh in your mind, and I will always be there with you.  And 
Tom, if you do find someone who can make you as happy as we were, than 
marry her.  Don’t let her get away.  Don’t you dare stop living just 
because I am dead.   I know someday we will meet again.  I love you.  
Take care of your self.  I will be watching over you, so live because we 
only live once. Your Loving and devoted wife, B’Elanna.” 
“I love you too, B’Elanna.”