Author's note:  This is the first fanfic story I have ever attempted 
writing.  Please be gentle in your criticism.
Warning:  This story is extremely sad.  Have Kleenex near the computer.
Dedication:  To my first "Net" friend, Amy (Borg Queen) Bitter and in 
memory of Diana, Princess of Wales.
Love Lost
By Ariel Shaw
(lil-mermaid@geocities.com)

	The whole day had been rotten.
	Overslept, blown acoustic converter, missed breakfast, blown conduit, 
lost warp core, exploding shuttle.
	*And now I'm going to die*, B'Elanna Torres thought.  *Wouldn't Mother 
love this.*
	"It's ironic, isn't it?" she whispered.
	"What?" Tom Paris asked.
	"That today, the Day of Honor, is the day that I'm going to die."
	He shook his head.  "We're not going to die.  Would you stop talking 
like that?"
	She finally found courage to look at him.  "We have to face up to it, 
Tom."
	He met her gaze.  "There's something I've been wanting to ask you."
	"Well, now's the time."
	"When we first met," he began, "you didn't have a very high opinion of 
me."
	B'Elanna couldn't help the soft snort.  "That's putting it mildly.  I 
thought you were an arrogant, self-absorbed pig."
	"Flattery won't get you any more oxygen," he teased gently.  Then, "Do 
you think I've changed?"
	"A lot.  Now you're a stubborn, domineering pig."
	He blinked in surprise.
	"Just kidding," she added.
	Then she realized what she'd just done.
	"There I go again--pushing you away."  Her voice was full of regret.  
"You were right about me.  It's what I do.  Push people away."
	"Well, it's a surefire way of not getting hurt," Tom remarked.
	He was offering her an out.  But she wasn't going to take it.  "What a 
coward I am."  And she finally gave in to the impulse she had suppressed 
for so long--two small tears fell from her eyes.
	"Shhh," Tom said.  He lightly touched her faceplate, then drew her into 
a hug.
	A long time passed in silence as they held each other.  But B'Elanna's 
mind was running a light-year a minute.  She wished she could see her 
father one more time.  She wished she had been nicer to Seven of Nine.  
She wished.....
	"Warning, oxygen level at one hundred four millibars."
	B'Elanna started at the sound.  Then she realized she had drifted off.
	Her thoughts came back to her.  Maybe she couldn't do those things, but 
she could do one thing--and die with no regrets.
	"Tom," she said, shaking him.
	"Mmm," he murmured.
	"Come on.  Open your eyes."
	"I was having a dream."
	"There's something I have to say."
	"Me, too," he said, his voice slightly slurred.  "I'm glad--the last 
thing I'll see--is you."
	"I've been a coward about everything," she whispered.  "Everything that 
really matters."
	He squinted at her dreamily.  "No, you're being a little hard on 
yourself."
	"No," she insisted.
	He blinked, surprised.
	"I'm going to die--without a shred of honor, and for the first time in 
my life, that really bothers me.  So I have to tell you something.  I--"
	"Warning," interrupted the computer.  "Oxygen level at 71 millibars."
	"I have to tell you the truth."
	He blinked again.  "The truth about what?"
	Why was it so hard to say?  "I--I--"
	Even now, those blue eyes unnerved her.  But she had to say it.  She 
had to.
	"I love you," she whispered.
	He stared at her, stunned.
	"Say something."
	He blinked again, then finally found his voice.  "You picked a great 
time to tell me."  His eyes began to close.
	B'Elanna allowed a moment for her heart to break, and was almost 
ashamed as tears filled her eyes again.
	Tom wrapped her in another hug, his hand rubbing her back.  She closed 
her eyes.  It seemed her dreams were for naught.  But just before she 
slipped into oblivion, she heard him whisper, "I love you, 'Lana."
	Then the comforting darkness closed over her.
				***
	The blackness became lighter and then turned into shades of grey, blue 
and pale colors.  Eventually, the shades became shapes, but they were 
all moving too fast.  Moaning, she closed her eyes.
	"She's awake!" someone said.
	"Lieutenant," a quiet baritone voice said.  "Can you hear me?"
	Her eyes opened again.  The shapes stopped moving and slowly came into 
focus, forming into two faces--the Doctor and Samantha Wildman.
	"How do you feel?"
	"Dizzy.  My head hurts."
	"Relax, B'Elanna," Wildman advised.
	She lay back, realizing that she had survived the space walk.  If she 
was here, then that meant that Tom--  Sitting up again, she looked 
around.  But there was no one else in the sickbay.
	"Was Tom released already?" she asked.
	Wildman's eyes grew sad and she turned away.
	Puzzled, B'Elanna turned to The Doctor.  "Where's Tom?  Was he already 
released?"
	The Doctor sighed.  "I don't know how to say this.  We beamed you both 
aboard, but--it was too late."
	"What are you saying?" she whispered.
	"Tom didn't survive.  I'm sorry, Lieutenant."
	She sat back, stunned.  No, it couldn't be.
	"No," she whispered.  "No."
	"Doctor to the Captain.  She's awake."
	"On my way."
	"No, you're wrong," B'Elanna repeated.  She snatched up a combadge, 
hers, from a nearby table.  "Torres to Paris."
	No answer.
	"Torres to Paris.  Tom, answer--please."
	When the silence continued, she turned to The Doctor.  His sympathetic 
gaze met hers.
	"No," she choked.  "Gods, no."
	The door opened, admitting Captain Janeway and Chakotay.
	"He can't be dead," B'Elanna whispered.  Tears began to spill down her 
cheeks.  "He can't be."
	The captain and Chakotay exchanged a glance.
	Get her out of here, said Janeway's look.
	Chakotay nodded.  He approached B'Elanna and set a hand on her 
shoulder.  "Come on," he said softly.  "You need to rest."
	"Why?" The Doctor heard her whisper as the doors closed behind her and 
Chakotay.  "Gods, why did you take him away from me?"

				***
	The next two days passed in a blur.  Tom's death had shocked the whole 
crew.  Dayna Baytart had lost her mentor.  The captain had lost her 
protegee, Naomi Wildman her "Uncle" Tommy, Harry his best friend.
	And B'Elanna had lost the only man she had ever loved.
				***
	Tom's memorial service was held the next day.
	Kathryn Janeway looked around at her crew.  This was worse than the 
memorial service for herself that the entity disguised as her father had 
created.
	"When I was down, he could always cheer me up," Susan Nicoletti was 
saying.
	"He always helped me, no matter how minor the problem was," Baytart 
sniffled.
	The room grew quiet and Janeway realized that everyone was looking at 
her, waiting for her to speak.
	"When I first met Tom, it was at the prison in New Zealand," she began.  
"I didn't even want to bother with a convict, especially one as smug as 
arrogant as he was, but when we were brought here, I began to see 
beneath that shell of his.  And finally, I discovered who he truly was.  
There was still so much to learn."  Tears came back to her eyes.  "And 
now I'll never have the chance.
	She stepped back blindly, colliding with Chakotay.  He put an arm 
around her.
	Harry Kim was next to step forward.  Though he looked like he was 
struggling to control his tears, he began to speak.
	"I was a na•ve ensign on first post.  It's the time when you think you 
know everything.  It took me a while to realize that it wasn't what it 
seemed--that there was a lot to life.  And Tom showed me that.  He 
became my best friend.  I'm going to miss him."
	Swallowing the lump in his throat, he stepped back.
	The room grew quiet again.  B'Elanna looked up and she realized all 
eyes were on her.
	Why are they all looking at me?  Why don't they leave me alone?
	"B'Elanna," Chakotay said softly, "did you want to say anything?"
	Slowly, she took a step forward.
	"I--"  She stopped.  She wanted to say that at first, she'd thought he 
was an obnoxious pig, but after the Vidiian labs, she had seen his 
gentle side.  She wanted to tell them that they had become friends 
slowly, and after Sakari, how she had realized how she truly felt.  She 
wanted to say that she would miss him so terribly, because now they had 
no chance to experience that love.
	"I--" she began again.  Harry set a comforting hand on her shoulder.  
That comfort broke her barely held control.
	Tears flooded her eyes and coursed down her face.  She choked out 
something before turning and pushing past Chakotay, running out the 
door.
	Everyone was stunned into silence, by what they had just heard, what 
many had suspected, but never thought they would hear from B'Elanna 
Torres.
	The words were "I loved him".
				***
	((Eight days later))
	*Beep-beep.*
	"Go away," B'Elanna whispered.
	But the door opened anyway, admitting Chakotay.
	"I said go away," she whispered again.
	"Harry was going through Tom's quarters and found a message chip for 
you.  The note with it says that you're supposed to listen to it in 
there."
	She pushed herself to her feet and slowly walked to his quarters.  Once 
there, Harry pressed a chip into her hand, gave her a hug, then silently 
left.
	Approaching the desk, she sat down and pushed the chip into the slot.
	A small flash, then Tom's image appeared on the screen.  She suppressed 
a sob.
	"Hi, B'Elanna.  If you're listening to this, then it must mean that I'm 
dead and someone found this while clearing out my quarters.
	"There's something I've been keeping from you.  I'm telling you in this 
message because right now I'm too much of a coward to tell you to your 
face."  He looked down, then back up.  "I love you, 'Lana."
	Tears blurred her sight for a moment, then she swallowed the lump in 
her throat.
	"I don't know why I'm afraid to tell you.  I guess I'm afraid you won't 
believe me.  But I love you.  I'm only sorry that I was too much of a 
damn coward to tell you."
	"No," she whispered.  "You were afraid of getting hurt, like me."
	"There's something in my closet for you.  The white box in the far 
corner."
	She hesitated.  As if expecting that, he laughed.  "Go ahead.  Pause 
this until you get back."
	She did so, and found the box.  Bringing it back, she set the box on 
her lap and resumed the message.
	"If you haven't already opened the box, go ahead and open it."
	B'Elanna removed the lid and brushed aside the tissue paper, revealing 
a knee-length dark red satin nightgown with straps.
	"I wanted to give it to you, but I didn't want to anger you."  He 
paused and his voice softened.  "I always pictured you wearing for me 
someday."
	Again, his image blurred before her eyes.
	"It's yours.  Know that I loved you, B'Elanna Torres.  You made life 
worth living again."  Then his image disappeared and the screen went 
blank.
	At last, B'Elanna gave in to her tears.  Slowly, she undressed and 
slipped the nightgown over her head.  Then she dimmed the lights and 
crawled into Tom's bed.  Burying her face in his pillow, she breathed in 
his scent and sobbed out her anguish, regret and loneliness.
	Finally, she cried herself to sleep.
"ƒist le mo chro’,	   (Listen to my heart,
 Go br—nach a cho’ch'       forever sad
 T‡ mŽ caillte gan tœ."     I'm lost without you.)
(Enya, "Smaointe")

	*She stirred, aware that the blankets had fallen and of the slight 
chill in the room.  Before she could even move, the blankets were moved 
back up to cover her.
	She shifted slightly and found herself wrapped in the circle of a warm 
pair of arms.  For a minute, she was alarmed, but then she felt a soft 
kiss on her ridged forehead and breathed in a familiar scent.
	"M'right here, 'Lana," the familiar tenor voice whispered in her ear.  
"Right here....."
	And she knew she was safe.*
	Her eyes flew open.  Where was he?
	The door chime sounded.  She dashed to open it.
	But it was Chakotay.  His eyebrows rose a centimeter at what she was 
wearing.  "B'Elanna, are you all right?"
	"He was here.  He was, Chakotay!  And he--held me, and told me that he 
was here," she choked, beginning to cry.
***
	The next week passed by terribly slow for B'Elanna.  She couldn't work, 
couldn't eat, wouldn't talk to anyone.  All she did was sleep, and what 
little time she was awake, she spent in a state of tears.  Most of the 
time, she would cry herself into exhaustion, and Chakotay would find her 
in Tom's quarters, curled up in a small, protective ball of red satin 
nightgown, her tear-streaked face buried in Tom's pillow.
	((Three days later))
	Ensign Wildman rang the bell on what had been Tom's quarters.  She knew 
B'Elanna was in there, but she wasn't answering hails.
	Finally, Wildman opened the door.  "B'Elanna?"
	She found B'Elanna lying on top of the covers, clutching Tom's pillow, 
her hair partially strewn across her face.
	"B'Elanna?"
	She didn't move.
	Fear washed over Samantha.  Slowly, she reached down and felt for a 
pulse.  Then she stood up, and in a trembling voice, called for Captain 
Janeway.
	The time of B'Elanna's death was confirmed at roughly 0130 that 
morning, only five hours before.
	Harry tried to explain to Seven of Nine.  She nodded.
	"I believe the human sentiment applies:  she could not live without 
him."
	And everyone knew that Seven was right.

	CMO's personal log, Stardate 51049.8.
		Lieutenant Torres' memorial service was held two days ago.  In the 
short span of two weeks, I have lost two valued friends.  To me, Voyager 
will seem empty without them.
		True I have said in the past that Mr. Paris was quite annoying and 
that Lieutenant Torres had an overextreme temper, but they were the 
first two, besides Kes, who treated me as they would any human doctor.  
I appreciated that--and I never told them.
		I had always suspected the two had feelings for each other, but I was 
no aware of the depth of them until now.
		The records state that death was due to natural causes, but my 
personal belief is that Lieutenant Torres died of a broken heart.
~End~
Comments to the addy at top.  "Day of Honor" belongs to Viacom, not me.