This is a sequel to legacy.  It begins roughly around a 
month after Ensign Curtis tried to commit suicide, and 
assumes that Tom and B'Elanna are still fairly new in their 
relationship.  Paramount and Viacom are God and own the 
characters (with the exception of Wayne Curtis, Corey 
Michaels, Stacey, Gillian and Vanessa).  I am not getting a 
single penny for this little burst of creativity of mine 
(even though I am a student and in need of a job.  Job=$$$).  
At one point, Tom quotes some lyrics from Tori Amos's song 
'Little Earthquakes' off the album 'Little Earthquakes.'  It 
was used without permission; however, I have given it the 
credit that it deserves, in that I did not make it up 
(though I would not have minded).  I am also not getting any 
money for promoting this album or song.  This is what 
happens when you have absolutely no power for a week in the 
beginning of January, are in front of a fireplace and have 
absolutely nothing to do.  As with 'Legacy', please consider 
this to be an alternate universe, as it does not coincide 
with canon or "Mosaic," and "Pathways."  Thanks go towards 
Nina, for beta-reading this story.  Thanks Nina!

Legacy Revisited
A. Blunt
offofthedeck@hotmail.com

Tom left the turbolift and walked into the corridor.  It had 
been nearly a month since Ensign Curtis had tried to commit 
suicide.  Tom had tried as much as possible to avoid the 
ensign.  The…episode, had brought up too many unpleasant 
memories.  He had deliberately taken an extra shift on the 
bridge with Curtis' latest check-up at Sickbay (in other 
words, that very day).  The Doctor was annoyed with him for 
that.  The EMH admitted that while he had been perfectly 
able to handle it alone, he now had an assistant to help 
him.  Chakotay had come up to Tom afterwards, cornered him 
in the messhall, and asked why he was shirking off his 
medical duties.  Then, when the First Officer accused him of 
having a problem with Curtis, Tom did not know how to answer 
that and remained silent.

How could he explain what he was feeling?
What he was going through?
What he went through?
Did he really want anyone to know?
No.  No, he did not.
And he wanted to keep it that way.

He was not sure if it was his eyes that showed, or if 
B'Elanna had talked to him, but Chakotay's expression 
softened.  He explained to Tom that if the latter wanted to 
talk, he was available.  Tom's eyes widened a bit in 
surprise at this gesture.  He politely thanked the 
Commander, but said that he was fine.  Chakotay raised his 
eyebrows, letting the pilot know what he thought of that 
answer.  Tom only looked back.  The First Officer left while 
reiterating his offer, and Tom went back to his reading.  
However, when he found that he could not concentrate on his 
food or datapadd, he got up and left for Sickbay.  Now here 
he was, heading towards it.  He did not know why, but he 
felt that he had to; something had told him that he must.  

He stopped outside the doors, took a deep breath, and 
entered.  Inside were the Doctor and Wayne Curtis.  The 
latter was on a biobed, eyes shut tight.  The Doctor heard 
the door swish shut and turned his head at the sound.  His 
expression was a combination of a darkened one, and that of 
a bemused one.

"Ah, Mr. Paris.  What impeccable timing you have.  Please 
monitor Mr. Curtis for me."  Paris approached the biobed.  
The Doctor gave the tricorder and went to his office.  

Tom gave a weak smile.  "So, how are you?"

Curtis snorted.  "I sort of had a 'relapse'.  I cut one of 
my wrists, quickly changed my mind about dying, and came 
here.  The Doc is telling the Captain about this latest 
'incident,' right now."

Tom looked at the wrist Wayne pointed to.  "What made you 
stop?"

Curtis looked surprised.  "Commander Chakotay said that 
there were better ways of dealing with my problems."

Tom seemed slightly amused.  "That's it?  That's all?"

"Yeah, I guess.  Why do you want to know?  You've been doing 
your damnedest to avoid me!"  Tom flinched at this.

"Okay, I deserved that.  Mainly because it is true.  But 
that's it?  Chakotay tells you not to do something and you 
don't do it?" Tom asked. 

Wayne looked at him.  "What are you getting at Paris?"  Tom 
set down the tricorder and put both hands on the biobed.  
The Doctor saw this from his seat in the office and got up.

"C'mon now.   You have a mind of your own, don't you?  Why 
don't you use it for once?" Tom said in disgust.  

Wayne got mad at this.  "I do have a mind of my own, you 
pinhead!  And I didn't stop because of what Chakotay said!"  

Tom sneered.  "Yeah, right!  Then why in hell did you stop?"  
Curtis fell silent so he continued.  "What made you attempt 
suicide a month ago?"

"I was getting sick of everything.  Here we are 65 years 
from home, and I'm away from my kids.  The Cardies killed my 
wife, and when I returned the favour, I became an outlaw."

Tom looked at him sympathetically.  "Who's taking care of 
them?"

"My parents.  I used to have messages smuggled to them.  I 
still make messages to them," Wayne commented to the 
ceiling.

"So?  You can give them to your kids when we get back." 

Curtis looked at him incredulously.  "Don't you get it?  
We're not going to get back!  I'm not going to see my kids!  
I'm not going to see them grown up, get married, or have 
kids of their own!  Twenty-eight days ago was my daughter's 
birthday, and everything became clear to me!  It's been four 
years!  Four years since we first came here and how many 
lives were lost between the two original crews, and that of 
the one we have now?  How many will actually survive the 
journey back?  How many families have been torn apart?" he 
asked hotly.

"So, we're feeling sorry for ourselves," Tom surmised.  The 
Doctor went by the door.

"Yes!  I think that I have every right to feel sorry for 
myself!  What's left that I have to live for?"

"Your kids!" Tom exploded, "Hope!  You never know what may 
happen!  Maybe it will be tomorrow, or next week, or even 
next month, which we may come across a wormhole or find 
another way home!  You can't give up on hope.  As long as we 
have that, we have to believe that we'll get back to the 
Alpha quadrant—and trust me, one day we will—there is no 
reason to kill yourself," Tom folded his arms together.  
"Besides, you forgot something.  You will get to see your 
kids again.  Sure, you'll miss their childhood and their 
weddings, but you will get to see them *again*.  You'll get 
to meet your daughter or son-in-law and grandchildren.  You 
will still have your family.  That's a lot more than what 
most of us have."

"And how would you know?!?  How would you know what I feel?  
Who went and made you some expert in the reasons for 
committing suicide?" Wayne yelled.  Tom was getting a bit 
hotheaded now.  He swiftly unfolded his arms, lifted his 
left hand, and pulled the arm of his uniform back.  He then 
stuck his wrist in Wayne's face.  Wayne could see a faint 
white line across it.  His eyes opened wide in shock and 
raised them to Tom's.  Tom then repeated the action with his 
other wrist.

"…How?…Why?" was all that was sputtered.

"Remember what I'm like whenever someone mentions my father?  
How I tense up and try to change the subject as quickly as 
possible?" Tom asked.  Wayne nodded.  Tom grabbed a chair 
and sat down.  He began to relay the story of what life was 
like when his mom was alive, of the relationship he had with 
his dad after her death, and of what happened when he was 
fifteen.  Neither one heard the Doctor leave Sickbay, or 
push the Captain out as she was coming inside when the doors 
opened.

*****

"Doctor, what is the meaning of this?" demanded Janeway 
outside in the corridor.

"As I reported to you before, Ensign Curtis did indeed try 
to commit suicide again."  He stopped for a moment to let 
this sink in.

"And?" she prompted.

"Apparently he changed his mind and came to Sickbay.  I 
treated him—physically that is.  Mr. Paris is inside talking 
to him.  I have a feeling that it may help Mr. Curtis," the 
EMH explained.

"How?  He would not talk to Chakotay, what makes you think 
that he will talk to Tom?"  The Doctor thought of what he 
had overheard.  He also remembered what Mr. Curtis' reaction 
was when he saw Tom's wrists.  While he himself had 
overlooked them during the various physicals and visits 
endured by Mr. Paris (and berated himself for that), he had 
an idea of what was on those said wrists.  What he did not 
understand was how Admiral Paris was involved, but suspected 
that his role was not pleasant.

"It's not for me to say Captain.  I would suggest that 
Commander Chakotay continue counselling with Mr. Curtis.  
However at the moment, he may find it easier to talk with 
the lieutenant."

Janeway raised an eyebrow.  "You don't say?"  She looked at 
the door to Sickbay.  "What do we do now?"

The Doctor joined her gaze.  He had a notion of what the 
Captain was thinking.  He felt that she had gathered the 
implications of his statement.  He now suspected of what had 
been behind the lieutenant's initial hesitation when 
originally treating the ensign, and for his recent 
behaviour.  But he did not know whether the Captain meant 
Mr. Curtis…or Mr. Paris.  Most of Tom's close friends—
including the captain herself had been worried about him.  
This shed new light on the situation.  And also, on maybe 
how to deal with it.  

"I don't know," he simply answered.

*****

Inside Sickbay, Tom was seated, telling Wayne everything.  
He felt a little better letting someone else beside his 
sister know of the suicide attempt, why he did it, and what 
he was feeling at the time.  He also felt a bit naked while 
doing so, but continued.  Wayne was sitting upright on the 
biobed, eyes getting wider each minute.  When he heard of 
what Owen Paris said to his son, he was disgusted.  He could 
not imagine a parent telling their child that.  He could 
also see that Tom—while in Sickbay physically—was really in 
the past, mentally.  Remembering every single detail, every 
single thought, every single action, every single smell.  It 
appeared that Tom did not really notice Wayne, and the 
latter was so engrossed that neither one heard the Doctor 
re-enter the room.  It chilled both the Ensign and Doctor to 
hear of the fight, of what the Admiral said (Curtis felt 
sick and the Doctor thought that if he could, he would 
actually vomit), and of the 'solution' that Tom had chosen 
to end his pain.

Tom was absently fingering the scars on his wrists when he 
got to the part of slitting them.  Tears had started to come 
down his cheeks when he told of how Stacey found him in the 
bathroom following his 'deed'.  Wayne could envision the 
horror she must have felt.  Imagine, finding a member of 
your family in a state of dying…

Then it hit him.

Corey Michaels had found dying—a state that was self-
induced.  Chakotay had told him that he was part of a family 
on board Voyager, and that he would have been missed.  He 
did not think so at the time, but now…  He thought of Corey 
as a younger brother, and he knew that Corey considered him 
as such also.  Wayne felt guilty for putting Corey into that 
position; of finding him, of realising that the person you 
thought of as a brother was dying, and knowing that he did 
that to himself.

But not knowing why.
He owed Corey an apology.

"And maybe also an explanation," Tom added.  It was only 
then that Wayne realised he spoke that last thought out 
loud.

"That too," he agreed.  Tom smiled at this.  Curtis lowered 
his head momentarily before raising it.  
"How did you deal with it?"  Tom thought this over before 
answering.

"Stacey.  She kept crying while she was trying to stop the 
bleeding.  I thought that as long as one person wanted me to 
live, wanted me to be around, I had to.  For them.  I soon 
added Gillian—my other sister—to the list.  Later, I found 
more things to stay alive for; my friends, flying, climbing.  
I found that my will to live was stronger than anything 
else, despite what happened regarding Caldik Prime and 
prison .  I found that I loved the sensation of being alive.  
Happiness, hurt, pain—physical pain that is.  I don't like 
the emotional kind too much.  Or the hurt."

Wayne gave a small laugh.  "I can relate to that last part.  
So, what should I do?"

"You're asking me?" Tom asked incredulously.  

"Well, from one basket-case to a former one, I figure that 
you know best," Wayne answered.

Tom snorted.  "Yeah, right.  I'm infallible.  That's why I 
make so many mistakes."

"You know what I mean."

"I do," Tom admitted shaking his head.  "But I don't think 
that it will be right for me to give you advice.  I don't 
know what's best for you.  Hell, I don't even know what's 
best for me!  And for the record, I still consider myself to 
be a quasi-basket case."

"But you went through an attempted suicide as me," Wayne 
pointed out.  "Chakotay wouldn't understand, but you would."

"Because—as you so eloquently pointed out—I did the same," 
Tom retorted.  "I can't tell you what to do.  What we did 
was for was for different reasons.  What may have worked for 
me, may not work for you.  I definitely would not recommend 
it."

"The reasons for what we did were different, but isn't 
counselling basically standard—regarding the treatment that 
is?" Wayne asked.

Tom folded his arms.  "I wouldn't know."

Wayne decided to try a different track.  "You said that you 
dealt with what you went through because of your sister, 
right?"  Tom nodded.  "Then can I at least try something 
similar?"

Tom thought this through and shook his head.  "No.  I 
wouldn't try it.  Besides you would have to find reasons for 
living on your own.  And you would still have to continue 
counselling with Chakotay.  But if you're insistent on it, 
talk to him and discuss this…tactic," Tom advised.  "But 
he'll probably say the same as me."

"Can you at least tell me how to start?  If he does give it 
the okay that is."

"What made you stop your second attempt?" Tom asked, after 
pausing for what seemed to be an eternity.

"My kids," came the immediate reply.

"Why?"

"Why?" repeated Curtis questioningly

"How was it that it was your kids that stopped you?" Tom 
clarified.

The ensign pondered at this.  "Be… I guess because a part of 
me hopes that you are right; that we may find a wormhole 
one-day, that I will be reunited with my kids.  Because I 
want them to still have a father."

Tom gazed at Wayne.  "There's one—or two—reasons for living.  
Hold onto that tightly while you find more."  Tom got up off 
the chair.  He turned to Wayne.  "But remember, talk with 
the Commander.  Chakotay may surprise us and have an insight 
into what you are feeling."

"Fine, I will.  I don't have much of a choice, do I?"  Tom 
shook his head.  "But would it be all right if I talk to you 
once in a while?"

Tom gave a small smile.  "Anytime.  But if you don't—and I 
find you here again—I'll force you to eat Leola root stew 
for a week!"

"Please, I have to deal with this.  I don't need torture on 
top of it!" joked Wayne.  

Tom reached for the thermal regenerator.  "Would you like 
for me to make the scar disappear?" he asked while gesturing 
to Wayne's wrist.  Wayne looked down at it and fingered the 
scar.

"What made you keep yours?" he simply asked.

"What is this twenty questions?" Tom joked.  He saw that 
Wayne's mood was on the serious side, and changed stance.  
"To remember what I did.  To remember what I almost lost.  A 
reminder…not to do it again."

"To remember that you almost lost out on your life?"

"Among other things."

"Such as?"

"My sisters, especially Stacey.  For some reason, after that 
day, we became closer.  Almost best friends in fact."  Tom 
gave a small laugh.  "I almost missed out on her life too; 
interrogating her prospective boyfriends, getting drunk with 
her, sharing my first blackout…"

"A moment to remember," interrupted the ensign.

"Trust me, I wish I would remember!  One of her friends kept 
hitting on me afterwards."  He cocked his head.  "Then 
again, with my track record, I get the feeling that I don't 
want to know.  Great kisser though."

Wayne laughed out loud.  The Doctor took this as a good 
sign.  "I bet that she said the same for you."

Tom blushed.  "She did.  You should have seen the way she 
kept coming on to me—talk about strong!  And she also made 
certain…insinuations." Tom's face went redder with that last 
word.

"Oh?"

Tom seemed embarrassed but continued.  "When I asked Stacey 
exactly what had happened, she didn't know.  And when she 
talked to Vanessa, she couldn't get anything…concrete out of 
her."

"But she got a rough idea," Wayne finished.  

Tom went beet red.  "Which is why I'm not sure if I want to 
remember."

"Well, you know what they say about older women.  They can 
be great teachers."

A sly smile came upon Tom's face.  "True.  Very true."  
Wayne raised his eyebrows in question.  Paris deliberately 
ignored this.  "Well?" he inquired instead, pointing the 
regenerator at Curtis' wrist.

"No.  I want to keep it," the ensign decided.  "I want to 
remember of how I almost deprived my children of a father, 
Corey of a brother, and this crew of a member of the 
family."

For the umpteenth time, Tom smiled and went to see the 
Doctor.  

The Doc was sitting down in his office.  He looked up as he 
heard Tom approach.  "Ah, Mr. Paris, how is our patient?"

"You heard," Tom stated.  

The Doctor looked insulted.  "Lieutenant!  What would ever 
make you accuse me of such a thing?"

"Your PADD's upside down."  The Doctor looked at the PADD 
before him.  When he realised that Tom was right, he gave an 
exasperated look and quickly turned it around.  

"I'm sorry.  I know that it was wrong for me to do so, but I 
was curious.  He has responded to you better than he has to 
Commander Chakotay."

Tom shrugged.  "He can talk to me if he wants.  I don't know 
what he's going through—and I can't claim to—but  I can 
understand why he did it though.  He should still see 
Chakotay though, as he's the closest thing that we have to a 
counsellor."

"I never realised that your relationship with your father 
was that…turbulent," the Doctor commented.  

Tom gave a laugh of disgust.  "Turbulent.  That's one way of 
putting it."

The Doctor got up.  As he left the office to check up on 
Ensign Curtis, he patted Tom's shoulder.  He had a new 
respect for the lieutenant now.  And also an insight of why 
Tom acted the way he did.  He could not fathom a person 
going through that.  No wonder the young man was so cynical, 
had a hard time of trusting others, and at times seemed 
older than he was.

Tom looked at the Doc as he left.  He did not want the 
Doctor to know, but he now did.  However, he also knew that 
he would not have to worry of the EMH informing the Captain.  
'Thank the gods for Doc's code of ethics,' he thought as he 
watched the hologram speak to Wayne.  He hoped that Wayne 
would heed his advice and talk to Chakotay.  And to live.  
He did not want to go through that again.  To treat a 
patient who tried his hand at suicide, who wanted to end 
their life.  He frowned at that.    He did not know if he 
would be able to handle another one.  Not only of treating 
them, but also of going through the emotions that 
accompanied it.  Of remembering.  It was too painful.

But for some reason, he felt a bit better.  He did not know 
why he told Wayne.  He would have to think about that.  He 
went to join the two.

"I still want you here for observation for a few more days," 
the Doctor lectured.  "If memory serves, I only released you 
not even two weeks ago and…"

"I know, I know.  Then I do a fool-hardy stunt like this," 
Wayne finished.

"Besides," Tom put in, "It's regulations.  A person may say 
that they are fine, that they are okay, but are really the 
opposite."  Curtis nodded his head in agreement.  If memory 
served him, that was what he said when he was released the 
first time.

"Good," the Doctor said as he took a PADD and entered data 
into it.  "I also want to thank-you, Lieutenant."

Tom turned to the EMH.  "For what?"

"You know," the Doctor replied cryptically.  Tom nodded his 
understanding.  Wayne looked at them in confusion as the 
Doctor left.

"He overheard," explained Tom.  Wayne froze.  "But don't 
worry, he can't tell anyone.  You can thank whoever 
programmed his ethics for that.  Besides, I have more to 
worry about than you.  He knows of what happened to me."

"So?"

"Besides you, the Doc and myself, no one else knows 
how…turbulent my relationship with my father was.  The same 
can also be said of my suicide attempt," Tom explained.

"Not even B'Elanna?" questioned Wayne.  Everyone knew that 
the flight controller and the engineer were an item.  Tom 
shook his head.

"No," he confirmed, "Not even B'Elanna.  Hell, not even 
Harry!"

Wayne was silent.  "Maybe I shouldn't be the only one who 
should do some explaining.  It's all over the ship that 
you've been acting strangely, and that B'Elanna's worried 
about you.  Perhaps you should tell her why."

"Would you want everyone to know about what you did?" Tom 
retorted.

"No," admitted Wayne, "I wouldn't.  But then again, 
B'Elanna's not everyone."

"I know," Tom conceded.  "It's just that, I've been keeping 
this bottled up inside for so long, and life has taught me 
to trust few people."

"You can trust B'Elanna."

"I know," Tom agreed, and he did indeed mean it.  "It's just 
that, I don't like letting people…in."

"Apparently she did." Wayne observed.  This caused Tom to 
look at the ensign in shock.  Wayne noticed this.  "She did, 
didn't she?"

Tom stood there dumbfounded.  He then recognised that Wayne 
was right.  Despite what he had said in his personal log 
almost four weeks ago, about letting others in slowly (or 
insinuated this), he had not followed this.  B'Elanna did 
get in.  It seemed that she got in Big-Time.  Well, he did 
say that he was going to let his friends in more.  It was 
that he did not grasp just how much she got in until now.  
While he was thinking this, he began to realise that 
something else that Wayne said was correct.  Looking back, 
he could see the concerned looks that B'Elanna passed his 
way.  He could also remember how many times he had tried to 
alleviate her questions, and changed the subject.  At the 
time, he had found this a bit annoying, due to the fact of 
what he was trying to hide.  But now…  "Yes, she got in," 
Tom confirmed.

"Then tell her."

"I don't know how," came the soft reply.

Wayne paused.  "I can't tell you how; you have to figure 
that out on your own."

Tom gave a small smile at this.  It was basically what he 
told Curtis, albeit in a different context.  "Next you'll be 
saying that I ought to talk to Chakotay."

"It wouldn't be a bad idea.  After all, it may do you some 
good."

"Yes, but I've had more time to deal with it than you have," 
Tom pointed out.

"Maybe.  But how have you dealt with your problems?"  Wayne 
knew that he most likely had Tom with that one.

"Maybe," Tom yielded.  "But I don't know how she'll react."

Wayne remained silent.  He knew that the pilot was not 
referring to talking with the First Officer, but to a 
certain engineer.  Tom looked at the chronometer.  Harry was 
still working with Seven on another project, and B'Elanna 
would probably still be in engineering.  His shift was over; 
and as much as he wanted to see that Wayne was okay, he had 
some thinking to do.  

He turned to the male on the biobed.  "Do you think that 
you'll be all right?"

Wayne looked at the lieutenant in surprise.  "Uh, yeah.  If 
I need anything, the Doc is here.  Going to talk to 
someone?" he asked with a smile on his face.

"Going rock-climbing," Tom corrected.  "Computer, is 
Holodeck two in use at the moment?"

*Holodeck Two is presently not in use*

"Reserve it for Lieutenant Paris, time slot to begin in 
fifteen minutes," He turned to Wayne.  "Have to change and 
grab my climbing gear."

"Going to have some fun I see," the ensign commented.

"Going to think.  But if you want to talk—at anytime—don't 
hesitate to call me.  Capish?"  

"Huh?"

"Understand?" Tom translated.  He liked twentieth century 
slang, but sometimes forgot that others did not know it.

Wayne nodded.  "Understood.  Happy climbing, Lieutenant."

"Thanks."  Tom left the biobed and went to see the Doctor.  
"Night, Doc.  Keep an eye out on Wayne, will you?"

"Naturally.  I will notify you on any further developments—
though talking to you, has seemed to help Mr. Curtis."

"I would appreciate that," accepted Tom.  "Once again, good 
night."

"Good night, Mr. Paris," the Doctor replied.  "Pleasant 
dreams."

"Tom," Wayne called out as Tom reached the doors, "Tell her.  
She'll understand."  Tom nodded and went out into the 
corridor.

*****

In his quarters, Tom quickly changed, got out his climbing 
gear and checked it out.  After he saw that all was in 
satisfactory order, he left for the holodeck.  Outside of 
it, he ordered one of his favourite climbing programs.  
After a few moments, the computer complied and the doors 
opened.  As he went inside, he took in a deep breath.  He 
had not only programmed in the smells associated with the 
great outdoors, but also of the nature surrounding him at 
the moment in minute detail—the trees, animals and lakes.  
It was all there.  He could go hiking, camping and rock 
climbing.  He used to do that a lot with his sisters and 
their friends.  It annoyed Stacey's and Gillian's friends, 
having their younger brother tagging with them; but his 
sisters did not mind, and eventually their friends got used 
to his presence.  They even found him useful and had to 
admit that he knew more about camping and rock climbing than 
they did.  He walked for sometime before setting down his 
gear.  After making sure that his equipment was safe once 
again, he set about in getting ready to go up.

"Computer, release all safety protocols."

*Safety protocols are off-line*

Tom smiled in satisfaction at the computer's response and 
took out his spikes.  Wayne was right.
This part was fun.

*****

After Tom had reached the top, he surveyed the beauty that 
surrounded him.  He thought that he could never get enough 
of this, as he sat down and began to think.  Think of Wayne, 
of what Wayne went through.  Of what the Doctor and Wayne 
found out about him.  He knew that he was ticked off with 
Curtis when he revealed his scars.  He also realised that 
perhaps the ensign would feel a bit better, knowing that 
someone else had tried to do the same thing.

Then maybe some of the embarrassment would go away.

Tom remembered feeling that way a for a long time, after 
Stacey had found him.  He also remembered that despite 
Stacey's assurances, he was afraid that she would tell 
someone else what he did.  What he tried to do.  Especially 
their father.

Gods, he was glad, surprised, and relieved that she never 
did that; that she kept her promise.  He wondered how she 
dealt with the situation before her at the time.

*Gods Stacey, I'm so sorry for putting you through that.  I 
only hope that one day, you can forgive me* he thought, as 
he closed his eyes.  He then thought of B'Elanna.

B'Elanna.

He was in love with her.  He had stated in his personal log 
earlier that he had to open up more, to learn how to trust 
more.  Tom was not lying when he told Wayne Curtis that 
B'Elanna had indeed gotten inside.  She did have the power 
to hurt him.  But as he also said in his log, he had to find 
a way to get beyond the hurt.  Getting hurt was simply a 
fact of life.  He had to deal with it.

But should he tell her?

Was Wayne right?  After all, he had really just returned the 
advice that Tom had given to the ensign.
In his heart, he knew that Wayne was right; that B'Elanna 
was not just any person.  She was the woman that he was in 
love with.  A woman with whom he hoped that he would spend a 
long time with (and perhaps maybe for the rest of their 
lives).  He had never felt this way about anyone before, not 
with this intensity. 

But a part of him was scared.

What would she think if he told her what was bothering him?  
Of what he had done when he was a teenager?  Would she think 
any less of him?  Would she want to break off their 
relationship?  Tom was afraid that this may happen.

And he loved her too much to lose her.
So, should he tell her?

"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again," he 
murmured, remembering a song from his many twentieth-century 
collections.  At times, he could not believe that he 
actually had a selection of songs to reflect his down-cast 
moods.

"Tom?" came a voice from behind.  Tom opened his eyes and 
saw B'Elanna walking up to him.

"B'Elanna," he said startled, "When did you get here?  How 
did you know where I was?"

B'Elanna sat down in uniform beside him.  "I just finished 
work and tried to reach you.  When you didn't answer your 
commbadge, I asked the computer where you were.  It said 
that you were here, so I came," she began to explain.  "I 
hope that you don't mind, but I over-rode your privacy lock.  
I know that I probably deserve any 'wrath' that I may have 
incurred, but I figured that you wouldn't mind.  Do you?"  
Tom shook his head and she relaxed at this.  "Anyway, I've 
only been here for five minutes.  I would have interrupted 
you earlier, but you seemed deep in thought,"  She looked 
off the cliff.  "This place is beautiful."

"Thanks."

"So, where are we?"

"The Canadian Shield—Northern Ontario.  Not too far from 
Sioux Lookout, in fact," he answered.  "I used to go camping 
there with my sisters every summer for about two weeks.  It 
was fun."  B'Elanna nodded her understanding.  Tom turned to 
her.  "How did you get up here?  The safeties are off and 
you have no gear with you."

B'Elanna smiled.  "I have my ways."

"Uh-huh.  And how was the beam up here?" he asked smugly.

"The usual," she replied.  She then realised that she gave 
away how she got there.  At first she was a bit irked that 
he wrangled the answer out of her.  Well, not really 
wrangling but…it was based on the fact that he knew her so 
well.  At least better than most people.  She then noticed a 
forlorn look appearing on his face.  The same look that had 
been on his face for almost a month now.  She softened her 
expression and moved until her side touched his.  She laid 
her head on his shoulder and he put his on top of hers.  
"Tom, what's wrong?" she asked.

"What makes you think that something's wrong?" he asked 
automatically, already knowing the answer.

"You know.  For a while now, you've been in this pensive 
mood, and no one knows why.  It frightens me to see you like 
this.  And sad."  Tom lifted his head.  He took his hand and 
lifted her face to meet his.

"Frightens?" he asked, "Sad I can understand, but 
frightened?"

"I don't like to see you like this.  You closed yourself off 
from me—you still are.  I know that something is bothering 
you—that you're hurting.  And that hurts me!  Why won't you 
tell me?  Gods Tom, I love you so much, that seeing you like 
this is tearing me up inside!  I want to help!  Don't you 
trust me?" she exclaimed with passion.  

Tom took a deep breath.  He clasped her hand into his, and 
intertwined their fingers.  "I do trust you," he responded.

"Than talk to me!  I want to help you with whatever is 
wrong," she implored with tears in her eyes.  Tom stared off 
into the scenery before him.

Maybe Wayne was right. 
Maybe she would understand.

He looked at their hands.  "Something happened a few weeks 
ago, that made me remember something.  Something, I really 
didn't want to remember.  But that I can't forget."

"Go on," she urged with both her voice and eyes.

"I never had the best relationship with my dad growing up."  
He stopped for a moment.  B'Elanna wanted to tell him to 
continue, but something told her not to; that he would do so 
in his own time.  He lifted his head to look at hers.  He 
gathered strength from the determination on her face, her 
need to know, and from the love reflected in her eyes.  He 
took another deep breath, exhaled and looked down at their 
hands, a bit uncertain of the reaction that he may get.  

But not uncertain of what he had to do.

"I was fifteen…"