Dream Within a Dream By Amy C. Bower rewob@adiis.net Summary: A shuttle crash has tragic results for Tom and B'Elanna. Disclaimers: Paramount owns everything. No infringement is intended. Rating: G Author's notes: My thanks to the subspace signals group for all their support and praise. I got the idea for this story after reading the poem that is included at the end of the story. Hope you enjoy it. The shuttle Poe lay on its side, smoke spewing from a dozen points along the hull. The smoking hulk was in stark contrast to its surroundings. It lay next to a deep blue lake bordered by a white, sandy beach. A sudden noise broke the silence of the once idyllic scene as the shuttle's hatch shuddered open as far as its buckled frame would allow. Thick, black smoke billowed out of the opening and a figure appeared, looked out to see how far it was to the ground and ducked back inside. A moment later, the figure of Tom Paris reappeared with an unmoving B'Elanna Torres cradled in his arms. He threw a med-kit to the ground and looked down to judge the distance once again. Taking a deep breath, he gathered B'Elanna closer to him and jumped. The sand cushioned his fall, but also caused him to land awkwardly, breaking an ankle. "Hang on, B'Elanna." He muttered, staggering to his feet. "Hang on. I'll get you out of here." He carried her a few feet away from the shuttle before lowering her gently to the ground. She still didn't move. He felt for a pulse and finding none, began to do CPR. "C'mon, B'Elanna, don't do this to me! C'mon!" Tom sighed in relief as B'Elanna drew in a breath. He stayed with her for a moment longer before hobbling back towards the shuttle to retrieve the med-kit. He quickly checked to make sure she still had a pulse before opening the case and removing a tricorder. He quickly scanned the still form and dropped his head to his chest at the readings. He pressed a hypospray to her neck and held her hand as he waited for her to come around. B'Elanna moaned softly as she regained consciousness. Her eyes fluttered and finally opened to find Tom looking down at her. "Tom, what happened?" "We were fired on and the shuttle crashed. You've been injured. Just lie still." "Did you get a hold of Voyager?" "The shuttle's communications went down and whoever fired on us also destroyed the message buoy I sent out. I'll set my comm badge to send out a signal, but they're probably out of range. We'll have to wait until they realize we're not at the rendezvous point." "That's two days from now." B'Elanna pointed out, and then her voice got very soft. "How bad am I? Will I make it?" Tom drew back in alarm. "B'Elanna! Don't talk like that. Of course you'll make it. You have to." "Tom, look at me." B'Elanna looked at him, searching his face for the truth. "How bad is it?" "B'Elanna, I can't…" He looked up at the sky trying to find the courage to finish the sentence. When he looked back, there were tears streaming down his face. "There's nothing I can do except give you something for the pain. You have severe internal injuries. B'Elanna, I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do." B'Elanna closed her eyes and lay still for several seconds, absorbing the information. When she spoke, her voice held no conviction. "Maybe Voyager will come back early to pick us up." "Yeah, maybe." Tom didn't believe it any more than she did. "I guess maybe this wasn't the best idea for an anniversary present, was it?" B'Elanna smiled. "Oh, I don't know. We're alone on the most beautiful beach I have ever seen. It's the perfect setting." Tom smiled through his tears and leaned down to kiss his wife on the forehead. "B'Elanna, I am so sorry." She reached up to put a hand on his cheek and wiped away the tears. "Tom, don't be sorry. I cherish the time we've had together, especially the last year. There have been times that I felt like I was living a dream. I had never thought I could be so happy, but the last few years have been wonderful. We may not have gotten off to the best of starts, but I'm grateful for all the time we've had together. Let's not ruin it now." Tom nodded, still unable to look his wife in the eye and not trusting his voice just yet. He looked up to take in his surroundings. B'Elanna was right: the view was breathtaking. He pointedly ignored the ruined shuttle in the background. After several minutes, he was able to bring himself back under control enough to speak, "It is a pretty nice beach, isn't it?" B'Elanna smiled, "Next thing you know, you'll want to go water skiing." Tom smiled, and had to swallow the lump in his throat before speaking. "I don't think so. I think I'll just lay on the beach with my wife and enjoy the scenery." "That sounds pretty good." Tom lay down next to her and wrapped both arms around her pulling her tightly, yet gently, to him. He kissed the top of her head and entwined his fingers with hers; idly playing with the wedding band on her left hand. "Tom?" "Hmm?" "Will you be all right?" She asked softly. "My ankle's only broken. It will be okay once we get back to the ship." "Tom," she raised their entwined hands and kissed the back of his. "I mean, after… after I'm gone." "Ssh, B'Elanna, don't even think about it. Please." "Tom, it's okay. I know I won't make it until Voyager gets here. I just want to make sure you'll be okay." Tom groaned and the sound seemed to be wrenched from deep within him. "To tell you the truth, I don't know. I've never wanted to think about it. Deep down, I knew it could happen, but I didn't want to face it. The thought of life without you just doesn't seem possible." "Tom." B'Elanna was trying to hold back her tears to show him that she was fine, but his heart-felt words were tearing her apart. "You'll be okay. You're strong, and you'll get through this and on with your life. Make it home – for both of us." Tom had no response so he just held her close and continued to gaze at the scenery. They stayed this way for several hours occasionally talking softly but mostly just enjoying the other's presence. As the sun was setting with brilliant colors, B'Elanna stirred, "Tom." "What is it?" He sounded concerned. "Do you need another hypospray?" "No, Tom," B'Elanna's voice was much weaker and Tom had to strain to hear her. "I want to see you." Tom carefully repositioned himself so he could look at her while still cradling her in his arms. She was so pale and her hands were cold to the touch despite the warm temperature. He knew it wouldn't be long. "Tom, I want you to promise me something." It was clearly an effort for her to get the words out. "Promise what?" Tom's voice was husky as he held back his tears. "I want you to promise me that you won't shut yourself off from others. Don't stop living, Tom. I'll always be with you… just keep on living." Her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes as she tried to gain the strength to finish. "Tom, please, promise me." "B'Elanna…" "Tom, please." She pleaded softly, gripping his hand with all her remaining strength. Tom blinked back the tears, not wanting anything to interfere with his last look at his wife. "Okay, I promise." B'Elanna's eyes closed just long enough for Tom to briefly wonder if this was it, but she opened them again to gaze longingly at him. "Thank you." "B'Elanna, I want you to know that I wouldn't trade this last year for anything. Being married to you has been the best thing in my life, and I only wish I would have had the courage to ask you sooner. I know I haven't said it enough, but I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. More than I will ever love anyone. You have been one of few bright spots in this entire voyage, and I don't know how I'll get through without you." "Tom…" "I know, I know," he smiled at her and cupped her face with his free hand. "I promised, and I will do my best to keep that promise even though it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I love you, B'Elanna. I will always love you." "I love you, too, Tom." She allowed a single tear to roll down her cheek as she thought of the life, and the man, she would be leaving behind. Tom brushed the tear away with his thumb and leaned down to kiss her gently on the mouth. He broke the bittersweet kiss and rested his cheek next to hers. He could hear her tortured breathing and knew the end was very near. He rose up far enough to be able to look at her once again. The fire in her eyes that had always captivated him was beginning to dim. "Tom," her voice was a distant echo of the usually robust voice. "I'm so sorry… I do love you… always remember that… I love you. Tom…" B'Elanna kept her eyes focused on the face of her beloved as the shadows began to creep in around the edges until all she could see was Tom's face bending close to hers. She tried to summon the strength to speak again but failed. She could hear him talking to her softly but could no longer make out what he was saying. Her eyes fluttered closed as the darkness claimed her. "Good bye, my love." Tom whispered and leaned down to kiss her lightly on her forehead. He finally allowed his tears to flow freely down his face. He then wrapped both arms around her and hugged her body close to him, sobbing convulsively into her shoulder. Tom Paris spent the night of his first anniversary on the sands of an alien world holding the body of his dead wife. The hours blurred together as he kept his lonely vigil. At times he would hold her close, weeping mightily as if his heart were breaking. At other times, the stillness of the night was broken by the wail of a man who had just lost his entire world. The morning dawned clear and bright as it tried to drive away the chill of the previous night. The scene on the beach was almost identical to the previous day. Tom was still sitting on the sand cradling B'Elanna in his arms. The tears had finally spent themselves and he appeared to be calm, but on closer inspection there was a tired, haunted air about him as he waited for the rescue that would be too late. When the planet's sun was high overhead, the eerie stillness of the scene was broken by a familiar sound. Tom didn't even look to see who had beamed down. His gaze stayed fixed on the woman in his arms. "Tom?" Commander Chakotay placed a hand on the pilot's shoulder. "Tom, are you all right?" Tom looked up; tearstains streaking his dirt smudged cheeks. "She's dead, Commander." Chakotay knelt down next to Tom in the sand and placed a hand on B'Elanna's arm. He closed his eyes and let the memories of her wash over him. When he opened them again and looked at Tom, his eyes were full of tears. "Tom, I don't know what to say." "Mr. Paris," Tuvok spoke for the first time. "I offer my condolences." Tom shook his head but couldn't respond lest the tears come again. He was finally able to bring himself to speak, but his voice was a mere whisper, "Let's take her home." Chakotay gave directions to the rest of the away team to check over the shuttle to see what they could salvage then he gently took the man's burden from him. Tuvok reached down to help him stand and lent a supporting hand as Tom's ankle gave way beneath him. Chakotay said nothing but handed B'Elanna's body back to the pilot and with Tom supported on either side by his friends, called for a transport. Captain Kathryn Janeway was in Sickbay with the doctor as they awaited word from the Away Team. As the transport ended, Janeway wished she could go back to not knowing. The sight of Tom Paris being supported by Tuvok and Chakotay and holding the body of his wife brought tears her eyes. There was a surreal quality to the scene as Doc hurried over with his tricorder to scan B'Elanna and solemnly put the instrument aside as he looked at the readings. Janeway put a hand on her pilot's arm, but his eyes were empty as he looked at her, almost as if he didn't recognize her. They carefully guided him over to a biobed where he gently laid the body down and stood looking down at the peaceful form. It was several moments before he would let them guide him to another biobed where Doc took care of his broken ankle. The process all took place without a word being spoken. It wasn't until Doc began to pull a sheet over B'Elanna that Tom spoke. "Wait." His voice was quiet but no one had trouble hearing him or the despair in his voice. "I want to do it." "Tom," Janeway put a restraining hand on his arm. "You've been through enough. Why don't you go back to your quarters and rest." Tom shook his head and looked his captain in the eyes. "Captain, I need to do this." Janeway nodded slightly and without a word urged the others to give the man some space. The four moved over to the doctor's office to watch the proceedings silently. Tom got off the biobed and walked slowly over to his wife. He absentmindedly brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes then leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. As he straightened, he reached for the sheet and gently covered his wife. Without a word and without looking back, he left Sickbay. Janeway began to go after the young man but was stopped by her first officer's hand on her arm. "Let him go, Kathryn, he needs to be alone right now." Tom walked down the corridors of Voyager oblivious to the concerned looks of passing crewmen. He reached his quarters but thinking about it later, he would not remember taking the long walk from Sickbay. As the doors closed behind him, he let the darkness of his quarters surround him. He went into the sleeping area and looked around. Everywhere he looked there were reminders of the life he had just lost. His knees gave way beneath him and he slumped to the floor, face in his hands as he wept bitterly for his lost love. Harry Kim stopped outside of the quarters of Tom and B'Elanna. He shook his head and mentally corrected himself, they were just Tom's quarters now. He had just come from Sickbay where the captain had informed him of the news. It had taken some persuasion but he had finally talked the captain and commander into letting him go see his best friend. Even if Tom didn't want to talk about it, Harry did. It took him several moments to find the courage to announce his presence. When there was no answer, he opened the door and walked in anyway. He had to wait a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, and he was about to turn around and leave thinking that Tom was gone when he saw his friend. "Tom?" Tom was still slumped against the wall in his bedroom when Harry entered. He didn't move as his friend approached. Harry took a seat next to his friend and waited for him to say something. It took several minutes but Tom finally looked up. When he did, he didn't bother trying to hide his tears. "What am I going to do, Harry?" "You'll live, Tom. It won't be easy, but you'll do it." Harry didn't try to hold back the tears that were springing to his own eyes. Tom smiled wistfully at his friend. "You know, Harry, that's exactly what B'Elanna said." "She was right, you know." "She even made me promise," Tom leaned his head back against the wall as he relived the last few moments with his wife. "That I wouldn't shut myself off from everyone. I guess she thought I'd give up." "And?" "And… I don't know if I can do it, but I promised her, Harry." He looked at his friend. "I'm going to need your help, Harry. I can't do this alone." "Of course, Tom." Harry put a reassuring hand on his friend's arm. "We'll get through this. Somehow, we'll manage." The two friends sat like that well into the night and into the next morning. It wasn't until Chakotay contacted Harry wondering why he wasn't on duty that they realized that it was 0800. Harry stood and helped Tom up as well. "You going to be all right?" "Eventually." Tom sighed and looked around his quarters. "Thanks, Harry, I really appreciate you being there for me." "I'm always here for you, Tom. You sure you'll be okay for a bit?" "Yeah, I need to be alone for a little while. Could you ask Captain Janeway to come see me when she has the chance?" Tom lowered his head. "I need to ask her about the memorial service." Harry nodded. "Sure, Tom, try to get some sleep." "Thanks again, Harry." Harry left for the Bridge leaving Tom alone to deal with his grief. By the time Captain Janeway stopped by to see him, Tom had taken a sonic shower and changed into a fresh uniform. He was lying on the couch when the door chime sounded. "Tom, I'm sorry to wake you." "It's okay, Captain." He swung his feet down and sat up to give her room to sit next to him. "I wasn't sleeping…just thinking. Please, have a seat." Janeway sat and waited patiently for her helmsman to broach the subject. She wanted him to be ready and do so in his own time. She thought he looked much better than when she had seen him in Sickbay the night before despite his obvious exhaustion. He was well on his way to recovery even though she knew it would take a long time for him to fully recover, if he could fully recover from the tragedy. Tom twisted his hands nervously and took a deep breath. "Captain, I would like to have two memorial services if that's all right with you." Janeway was surprised; it would be hard enough to get through one service let alone two. "What did you have in mind, Tom?" "I would like to have the main one in Engineering so that her staff can come." "I think she would like that." Janeway smiled. "And I would like to have sort of a private one on the Bridge for the senior staff and a few others for when we… when we eject the torpedo casing." Janeway nodded her approval. "That would be just fine. When did you have in mind?" "I guess tomorrow morning. If that's all right?" "I don't see a problem with that." Janeway paused, unsure how to proceed with the next part of the conversation. "Tom, we found the ship that fired on your shuttle." Tom looked at the captain in surprise but didn't say anything as he waited for her to continue. "We ran into them on our way to the rendezvous point. They attacked us as well, but finally answered our hails. They said they had destroyed you when they couldn't board you to steal technology. They self-destructed their ship rather than be boarded themselves." She paused, knowing her next words were going to be little help. "I'm sorry, Tom. It was a senseless attack, and if we could have gotten there sooner…" "Captain," Tom held up a hand to stop her. "I don't blame you. We knew you couldn't get there in time. It made it a little easier to say good-bye rather than waiting and not taking the time to do it. Besides, B'Elanna knew the risks in serving aboard a Starship. We all do. It doesn't make it any easier, and there is no sensible way to die. I guess it was just her time." "I guess it's time I got back on duty." She stood to make her leave. "Captain," Tom also stood. "I have one more request. I would like to beam back down to the planet. Just for a little bit." "Whenever you're ready just let me know. There are teams salvaging the shuttle, but I can let you know when they're done if you'd like. It should only be a few more hours. About sunset on the planet if they're estimating the time correctly." Tom smiled sadly. "That would be just about right. Thank you." "Get some rest, Lieutenant." Janeway patted him on the arm and left his quarters. The setting sun was dazzling as the sunlight reflected off the surface of the lake. Tom stood silently on the beach watching the brilliant spectacle. He looked over at the furrow in the sand where the shuttle had impacted. The shuttle was now gone as the teams had finished their salvage work not long ago. Voyager would break orbit as soon as Tom was back aboard, but first he had something he had to do. He walked slowly over to approximately the spot where he had spent his deathwatch. "B'Elanna," He looked up speaking to the sky. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I miss you. It already feels like it's been forever since I lost you. I love you so much and don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I love you. I made you a promise and I'll do my best to keep that promise, but it won't be the same without you." The sun sank below the horizon leaving only the streaks of color blazing across the sky. Tom sighed deeply and closed his eyes, willing his next words to find his beloved wherever her soul was resting. "I love you, B'Elanna." He whispered. He slowly knelt down on the beach and took a handful of sand, letting it slip through his fingers. He waited until the last of the color had faded from the sky before tapping his comm badge, "Paris to Voyager. One to beam up." The memorial service the next morning was a tearful one. The entire Engineering crew was in attendance as Tom had hoped holding it in Engineering. Tom barely heard the Captain give the service as he stared at the torpedo casing draped with the Federation flag. Joe Caray and Vorik gave brief eulogies on behalf of the Engineering department and then it was Tom's turn to speak. Tom scanned the upper deck of Engineering. Everyone that hadn't been absolutely needed at their post had found their way to the memorial service and there wasn't a spot in Engineering that wasn't crowded with people. "First, I'd like to thank all of you for coming to pay your last respects, and I appreciate all the support you've given me the last few days. I know B'Elanna wasn't overly emotional…" The crew laughed softly and Tom smiled slightly as he realized how that sounded. "I know she wasn't overly emotional when it came to admitting her feelings unless she was upset." He amended. "I'm sure the Engineering staff would agree to that, but I would like to assure you that she was proud of her staff and will rest easy knowing you're taking good care of her engines. I know she didn't always see eye to eye with everyone, but over the years she made quite a few friends who will miss her. Thank you." Janeway led the assembled crew in a moment of silence before signaling to Caray and Vorik. The pair solemnly stepped forward, one on each end of the torpedo casing as Chakotay and Tuvok folded the flag carefully before handing it to Tom. Before Caray and Vorik took the body away, Tom stepped up and placing a hand on the top, wished B'Elanna a silent farewell. When he stepped back, the two men gently pushed the anti-grav sled out of Engineering. As the doors whispered closed behind them, Tom sighed. Janeway nodded at her senior staff and the invited guests to the second memorial service. They followed Tom out and up to the Bridge. All unnecessary personnel on the Bridge were relieved of duty for the duration of the private memorial service. The only ones not relieved were the crewmembers manning the helm, tactical and Ops stations. They kept a respectful silence as the command crew gathered by the captain's chair. "I'm sure you're all wondering why I wanted another memorial service." Tom began. "You were B'Elanna's closest colleagues and most of all, you were her friends. I just wanted to take the time to tell each of you how much you meant to her. I think she would want you to know if you don't already." "Captain Janeway." The captain turned to her helmsman not bothering to hide her tears. "B'Elanna had nothing but respect for you even if she was at odds with you when this trip started. She may not have done things exactly by the book, but she was only trying to do everything in her power to make sure the ship was running smoothly for you. We both owe you so much for giving us the chance to turn our lives around, and I would like to thank you for being there for us when we needed you." The tears were streaming down Janeway's cheeks as Tom finished and she couldn't help herself from stepping up to him and pulling him down for a comforting embrace. "Thank you." She whispered before she released him. Tom smiled self-consciously when she stepped back. He wouldn't allow his tears to fall again; there was more he had to say. He turned to his right and looked at Neelix. "Neelix, you and B'Elanna may not have worked together very often but she considered you a very dear friend. You helped her so often when she was confused or just plain lonely. You once offered to be her release valve when she needed to let her anger out at someone, and she never forgot that. That simple offer gave her more help than you ever realized. Seven, you and B'Elanna never did quite see eye to eye, but she came to respect your engineering knowledge and skill. She may never have told you herself, but she did consider you a friend." Seven looked a little surprised at this, but offered no comment as she analyzed the import of his words. "Tuvok, B'Elanna admired you more than you may think. She was a little envious of how you are able to keep your emotions restrained, and she often told me that when she could feel her temper getting out of control she would think of you and try to act as you might in the same situation." Tuvok nodded ever so slightly at Tom's words, clearly surprised at the information. "Doc, in a sense B'Elanna was your doctor, and let me assure you that she took that job very seriously because she knew that the alternative was having me take care of the crew." Tom smiled, breaking the tension slightly. "Really, Doc, she would do anything to make sure your program was running properly and if something went wrong, she always felt responsible. Just the other day after she had run a routine diagnostic on your mobile emitter she made the comment to me that halfway through the diagnostic she had realized you were a hologram! She said you were much more human than some people she had met over the years that she just hadn't thought of you as a hologram in a long time because you were so real to her." Doc smiled at the words and touched the mobile emitter attached to his arm as if he was remembering her tinkering with it. "Harry, one of B'Elanna's best friends as well as mine. First, I have to thank you for your support the last couple of days. You have always been there for me when I needed you and I know you'll be there for me now. You were the first one she met after the Caretaker brought us into this quadrant and you two always had a special bond after the time you spent on Ocampa. She once said that she wasn't sure how to think of you, as best friend or as brother. I guess you were the best of both of those things for her. Thank you." Harry, too, stepped up to Tom to give him a hug. The two friends embraced quickly and smiled as they parted. Tom sighed, he wasn't sure just how to do this next one. Tom turned to the one person remaining, "Chakotay, you knew B'Elanna before all of us, and sometimes I envy you that extra time. You were always her mentor, guidance and the father figure she wished she would have had growing up. You placed your confidence and faith in her when she didn't have it in herself, but you helped to show her what she could accomplish. Thank you for giving her that confidence. I'm not sure how else to tell you how much each of you meant to her. She has left recordings for each of you that I have sent to your quarters for you to read when you are ready. I just wanted to let you know that you were all very special to her and to me as well. B'Elanna made me promise to live my life and not shut people out, but I know I can't do that without your help so I would like to ask each one of you for your help. I loved B'Elanna more than life itself so I would like your help to keep her memory and spirit alive…" Tom finally faltered as tears sprang to his eyes, but he smiled at the circle of friends. He knew that she would live on in all of them and hoped that she was finally at peace. He slowly walked up to the ensign at tactical who stepped aside without a word. He glanced at the panel then placed a hand on the console. Everyone turned to the viewscreen and watched as the torpedo casing was shot into space. "Good bye, B'Elanna." Tom whispered. "I will love you always." EPILOGUE Later in his quarters, Tom sat on the bed holding a picture of his wife. In his other hand he held a small container of sand that he had filled on his trip back to the fateful planet. He placed the picture back on the nightstand next to his bed and lying down, clutched the vial of sand in his hand. He closed his eyes and the words to a poem he had once learned in school sprang to mind: Take this kiss upon thy brow! And in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow- You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand- How few! Yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep – while I weep! O God! Can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! Can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream? "Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allan Poe, (1827-1849) Feedback is always appreciated so let me know what you thought. This type of story is not my forte so I need all the support I can get. Thanks.