Disclaimers:  Voyager and all its characters are owned lock, stock and barrel 
by Paramount and its parent Viacom.  I'm just taking them out for a little 
spin.  I promise to have them back by midnight, without trying to make any 
money off of them.  However, this story is mine, so please ask permission 
before using or archiving it.  But, please put it in our new PTF archive.
 
Deja Vu
by Riss
mencher@scf.usc.edu
Tom Paris was sitting in the mess hall.  It was just before midnight,  near 
the start of the ship's night shift and the lights were turned low.  Everyone, 
who was not on duty was in their quarters sleeping or relaxing, except him.  
His comm badge beeped, but he ignored it.  His attention was turned 
towards the stars, searching for peace.
Today was an anniversary.  This year is more powerful then in the past, 
since Tom has done it again.  His failure is finally complete.  Before he 
came on Voyager and before he fell in love with B'Elanna, Tom wanted 
only one thing.  He wanted his father's love, something he never received.  
He had spent his entire life hoping for that, and today he was reminded 
again of his failure.
Tom had thought he had moved on.  Voyager and B'Elanna had given him 
hope and love.  Now, that too, was gone.  Twelve hours ago, he again lost 
his hope.
**
"Really Tom, what's the big rush?"  Peter Jones was seated next to Tom at 
the helm of the shuttle craft.
"Come on Pete, why waste time getting there.  You were the one 
complaining that our departure was being delayed.  I'm just making up for 
lost time."
"With the women?"
"No.  You were complaining about missing Diana.  I'm doing this for you."
"Sure, Tom."
"You doubt my sincerity."
"Of the Admiral's son, always."  
Unnoticed by the two men, but clearly seen in this memory, a red light 
starts blinking in the top left hand corner of the control panel.
"Now you bring that up too.  I can't believe this.  First you doubt my 
piloting skills, then you start ragging on me because of my dad."
"I was not saying you couldn't pilot, just pay more attention."
The monotone voice of the computer breaks off any reply which Tom might 
have attempted.  "Warning, failure of the impulse engines in ten seconds."
**
Tom closed his eyes as the memories flooded past.  The next minute where 
he frantically tried to gain control of the craft, despite the loss of engines.  
The right side of the piloting console which exploded in Pete's face ten 
seconds before impact.  His desperate attempt to slow the craft down before 
impact.  The screams of the two who died on impact.  The voices of the 
rescuers as the cried, "this ones alive.  Send help over here!"
His life was different from the second he was too busy to see the warning 
light on the console.  That day, he lost the only thing he had ever wanted in 
his life.  
Sure, the crash was simply piloting error.  If he had originally admitted that 
he was looking away from the console till the verbal warning, little of the 
subsequent events would have occurred.  A black mark on his record, a few 
extra years till his next promotion.  Some time on suspension to deal with 
the deaths he had caused.  Nothing close to the travails which would follow 
his life, all because of his deepest desire.
**
The haze before his eyes was slowly dissolving into recognizable shapes.  
A window, a door, monitoring equipment, a hospital room.  As Tom's 
awareness grew, so did his memories of the crash.  Right now, only the last 
minute was coming to him, but it was enough.  The warning voice, the 
screams, the smell of charred metal, cloth, and flesh.  
Someone was coming through the door, maybe a nurse or doctor to check 
on him.  As the doctor looked over the readings, he seemed pleased.  "Mr. 
Paris, you seem to be improving quickly.  The surgery to repair you 
damaged nerve tissue was successful.  Full movement and feeling will be 
restored as the grafts take hold."
"What happened?"
"Don't you remember the crash?"
"Bits and pieces, not much."
"That is to be expected with the amount of trauma you sustained.  You short 
term memory probably sustained some damage.  You may never remember 
everything.  However, there are some investigators here to ask you some 
questions about the crash, as well as your parents.  Do you wish to see 
them?  If you are too tired, I will tell them to wait."
"No, let them in.  I might as well talk to them now."
First the Admiral and Mrs. Paris entered the room.  While the Admiral 
stayed towards the back of the room, Mrs. Paris rushed to her son's 
bedside.  "Tom, how are you?"
"Hi Mom, I'm OK, or so the doctor says.  What are you doing out here at 
Caldik Prime?"
"As soon as we heard about the accident, I made sure we were on the next 
shuttle.  I wanted to make sure my son was OK.  Especially when I heard 
about the others."
"How many did I kill?"
Suddenly the Admiral seemed to come alive.  Moving to Tom's bedside in 
two strides, "Don't you talk that way.  If the investigators hear you, they 
will find you responsible for the crash!  You don't need anything else to 
mark up your record."
"Gene, he has been through a shuttle crash and you are lecturing him on 
semantics."
"If he doesn't want to end up as some bum on the street, he needs to learn 
discipline and how to speak properly."
As they were arguing, memories were again flashing before Tom's eyes.  
This time, however, the whole story was coming back, including the lack of 
attention which lead to the crash.  As his mother finally stopped arguing 
with the Admiral, he realized that he really was the cause of the crash, and 
that he could never say that aloud.
**
A single tear slipped from his eye and took a slow winding path down his 
check.  Tom rarely cried, since the Admiral had always said that 'men never 
cry.'  So, to please his father, he always managed to hold back the tears.  
Today, as his failure was complete, he let a tear fall.
The tear was not for the lives he had taken.  He was past grieving for them.  
He had made his peace, as well as one could when they had caused the 
death of three others, and moved on years ago.  No, this tear was for his 
continued failure at his one all consuming desire in life.  What he valued had 
risked everything to gain and had instead lost hope of it forever.
**
"Mr. Paris, the logs do not show evidence of a problem with the warning 
system.  Why were preventative measures or at least evasive maneuvers not 
undertaken until ten seconds before the crash?"
"There were distractions on board."
"What type of distractions?  Was Ensign Jones causing a distraction?"
Unnoticed by either the interrogators or the Admiral, Tom's glaze quickly 
sought out the Admiral before answering.  With a catch in his voice which 
everyone took to be regret for turning a friend in, he answered the question.  
"Yes, Pete was yelling at me, and kept me from instigating any maneuvers."  
In fact, that catch in Tom's voice was the last bit of his self-worth being 
thrown away.  He knew as he said the words that he was lying, but he 
didn't care, at least, not at that moment.
One of the investigator's commented, just before getting up to leave, "you 
did an excellent job of piloting the shuttle once you were able to.  While all 
of your lives could have been saved if it had been caught earlier, if you were 
not such a good pilot, everyone would have been kill, including bystanders 
on the ground.  Mr. Paris, you may have lost three friends, but you saved at 
least twenty other lives."
The Admiral did not even look at Tom as they commended his piloting.  He 
seemed not to care.  Instead of staying behind with the investigators, he 
followed the out.  As he turned towards the door, a smile came to the 
Admirals lips.  Before the door closed, Tom heard the words, " you will 
make sure that the official records reflect Ensign Jones' mistake."
At that moment, Tom's world came crashing down.  His father was more 
interested in putting the blame on a dead man then he was in his own son.
**  
The single tear turned into a waterfall of tears flowing down Tom's face.  
His disgust at his father no longer held in check.  A man who would 
condemn a dead man, a man who would deny his own son the love he had 
craved his whole life.
A love he had finally found in B'Elanna.  They had been married for five 
years now.  Jennifer would be four next month.  And their son would be 
born the month after that.  Or at least that had been the plan until 10:30 this 
morning.
**
Their first shore leave in months.  Jennifer had been jumping around the 
room for days in anticipation.  Even B'Elanna had been happy, despite her 
enlarged condition, eager to get off the ship where she was banned from 
engineering till a month after her son's birth.  The transporters were down, 
and since they didn't want to wait the extra hour for the repairs to be 
finished, they were taking a shuttle craft down to the planet.
There had been no warning, neither a blinking light nor the computer's 
voice to give heads up to the engine failure.  Only Tom had been at the 
helm.  B'Elanna had been in the passenger compartment with Jennifer, 
making sure she didn't get in her father's way.  When the helm exploded 
this time, no one was killed.  No one in the shuttle was killed on impact.  
There were no casualties on the ground, since they crashed in an 
uninhabited area.
However, there was no quick aid either.  The transporters were down, and 
the shuttle ride was about thirty minutes to the site.  Both B'Elanna's and 
Jennifer's injuries were severe.  Tom did what he could with the meager 
medical supplies of the shuttle craft, but they were dying.
Fifteen minutes after the crash, the transporters came on-line and 
immediately beamed the three victims to sickbay.  After Ensign Wildman, 
the duty nurse, had treated Tom's injuries, the doctor kicked him out of 
sickbay.  He was too much in shock to assist, and his presence was a 
detriment to the treatment of the two patients.  The two patients who were 
dying.
**
That was now, almost sixteen hours ago.  The last report that the doctor had 
given him is that he had managed to stabilize B'Elanna, but both Jennifer's 
and the baby's condition were extremely critical.  Also, if B'Elanna was 
forced to give birth now, her life would be in danger as well.
So, sixteen hours ago he had taken a seat at this table, and hadn't moved 
from his examination of the stars since.
Why this, why him, why today?  Today, actually it was so late so now it 
was yesterday, was the anniversary of the day he told the investigators the 
truth.  
**
He could no longer live with himself, so he changed his deposition to state 
that he had been arguing with Pete prior to the malfunction, and that the 
argument had kept his attention away from the console.  Pete had not 
prevented him from initiating evasive maneuvers as stated in his first 
deposition.
His father had not been in the room, on Tom's request.  He could not look 
his father in the eye as he admitted his failure.  However, as he left the 
room, his father confronted him.
"Your not fit to be a Paris.  Your error caused the crash and killed three 
people.  I don't know why I ever though you could succeed in life.  I don't 
ever want to speak to you again."  He didn't care about the lie!  He was 
more concerned about the tainting of the Paris family name.
At that moment, the last bit of hope which Tom Paris had, died.  All he had 
ever wanted was his father's love.  It had been denied to him all his life, and 
now, his failure would prevent attaining it in the future.  
**
Now, years later his hope was dying again.  It had taken the hard work of 
two very close friends and a very accepting captain for him to regain his 
hope in the world.  Even then, he doubted himself.  Not until the day, 
almost six years ago, when B'Elanna agreed to marry him, did he truly have 
hope for the future.  Again, it was being torn away by his error.  
Everyone had come by to offer support, but Tom had ignored them.  He 
was too lost in a world without love, without hope.  He wasn't sure if it 
was his past or his future.
The Captain had said that the accident was not his fault.  The malfunction 
was undetectable till the complete failure of the engines.  Only his piloting 
skills had prevented all their deaths.  But it didn't matter.  Last time he had 
hoped and prayed for his father to say those words.  This time they just 
emphasized his loss.
Suddenly, Tom was startled out of his trance by a hand on his shoulder.  
For a second, he thought it was Tuvok coming to arrest him for the crash. 
Then he recognized the hand, the same one that the Captain rested on his 
shoulder every day when she came down to the helm.
"Tom, the Doctor has been trying to reach you."
"I didn't want any more bad news."
"You'd better come to sickbay before B'Elanna disobeys the Doctor and 
physically forces you to come see your son."
Tom looked at the Captain in confusion.  His son.  Were they alive and 
well?
"B'Elanna gave birth to your son, an hour ago.  Both are doing fine, and 
Jennifer is improving as well.  Come to sickbay and be with your family."
On the short trip to sickbay, Tom tried to process that information.  His 
family was fine.  The woman he loved, and who loved him back is fine.
As he walked into sickbay, B'Elanna jumped off her bed and limped over to 
him, tears flowing down her face.
"I'm so sorry Tom.  Please forgive me for everything.  I'll die if you stop 
loving me."
"Why would I ever do that?  I love you, B'Elanna.  I'm sorry for causing 
the accident.  I almost killed you, our family."
"Tom, I did preflight, I missed the malfunction.  I let you fly a defective 
shuttle."
Then they just held each other, to overcome by emotions to talk.  The 
slowly walked over to where their two children were sleeping.  Their two, 
soon to be healthy children.  They just stood there recovering from their 
private trips to hell, pulling each other back, and giving the love they both 
needed.
The Captain quietly slipped out of sickbay.  Her Lieutenants had a lot of 
problems to work through, but together they would survive.  Chakotay had 
once questioned the wisdom of a match between those two, but the Captain 
never had any doubts.  They were two broken halves, who needed each 
other to be complete.
Yesterday had been Tom's anniversary.  Today he was surrounded by 
friends, and more importantly a family to love.  He has finally found his 
peace.