Working title: A matter of trust Veronica Jane Williams xkhoi@iafrica.com DISCLAIMER The characters belong to Paramount. Fine. I just borrowed them, and to the accompaniment of some glorious classical music, wrote my own most touching stories. Thank you. Any other characters, such as they may appear in this story, are entirely of my own creation. A Matter of Trust follows REPRIEVE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: I graciously borrowed one line from Jane Austen's immortal classic: "Pride and Prejudice" "I did not always love him. But I love him now." (a slight variation on the line from the text). - Elizabeth Bennet Music: Mozart Piano Concerto No. 20 in D Minor, K466 "A Matter of Trust" follows REPRIEVE in sequence. This story contains scenes of an erotic/sexual nature. The under eighteens, read something less threatening and the fainthearted, simply move on. Rating: NC-17 AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was written months ago. I have not read PATHWAYS (it won't be on sale in South African bookshops for months); the scenes I have recreated around the incident at CALDIK PRIME are my own. They serve merely to emphasize Tom's angst and the feelings of guilt he still harbours. V.J.W. A MATTER OF TRUST Tom Paris woke up with a start, gasping for air. His breathing was ragged, and he was sweating profusely. There was a dull throbbing at the base of his skull. He winced as he tried to move his head. That too, he thought, the maddening headache that has been plaguing him for the last few months. He tried to focus, but the pain shot through him like blinding flashes of light. Swell, an old nightmare and a new headache, consorting to make his nights hell. And everytime he had this dream, his mood would be less than amiable for days. It still haunted him, even after so many years on Voyager, the responsibility of piloting this starship ironically the reminder of that most painful time in his life that could still invade his dreams and torture him. He realised long ago that trying to run away from your past transgressions, or act as if they never happened, was futile. One could never quite subdue pain. Not the physical kind, anyway. Not if it sat in every pore of one's body. In the past - half a lifetime ago it seems - he used any means to blot it out. It was a relief always transient. The pain would just come back. No, you couldn't escape your guilt. Even if you were sorry so many times over. And his dreams were there to remind him just how badly he screwed up. Leaving him insecure, unsure of himself, angry again and ready to lash out at the nearest person. He looked down at the sleeping form of B'Elanna, and smiled tenderly. So calm in repose, her lips slightly open. She had thrown the covers off her. He bent over to take the pink teddy bear she called Elizabeth, which they shortened to Eliza, snuggled against her belly, and placed it on the bedstand. He experienced an overwhelming affection as he gently covered her again, and kissed the ridge on her brow. My big, bad, beautiful B'Elanna. He touched the soft swelling of her stomach, knowing that the child she was carrying would make them complete as a family. Sighing, he knew he would not sleep again. Careful not to wake her, he got up and dressed quietly. He thought he'd go to sickbay first. The Doctor was off-line, so much the better, so he grabbed a hypospray and proceeded to treat his headache. He felt a tad better, but was still too restless to go back to his quarters again. Anyway, there was something he had to do first. He stepped into the corridor, and walked in the direction of the turbolift. He nodded curtly to Magnus Rollins, who was starting his shift on the bridge. Magnus gave him a concerned look, but did not press him, feeling it prudent to consider it Tom's own business. He entered the lift. "Deck six." "Computer, what is the status of holodeck two?" The impersonal tinny voice of the computer answered almost immediately. "There is no program running on holodeck two." Which suits me just fine, Tom thought as he stepped from the turbolift and walked to the control panel of the holodeck. "Computer, access program PARIS ALPHA 4. ***** "Mr Paris, evasive maneuver omega six," barked Commander Crean. Paris' hands stilled on the controls for a split second before he responded with: "Commander, with all due resp---" "Mr Paris, this is no time for debate. Do it!" When the co-pilot looked pointedly at him, he entered the sequence, knowing in his heart that the wrong evasive pattern could mean the difference between life and death. "Shields down 47 percent," Hager, the young Bajoran operatons officer called. He could hear the fear in her voice. If truth be told, he was just as scared. But he tried to suppress that fear. As another phaser blast strafed the starboard bow, Tom pulled hard to port, unseating some crew on the bridge. Still holding on to the controls, Tom lined the battle cruiser in perfect position for tactical to fire a photon blast and destroy the enemy vessel. Then suddenly, and unexpectedy another enemy vessel appeared at aft and fired at their port bow. The Andoria takes heavy damage. Tom almost curses the commander. His original evasive maneuver might have done the trick to get the Andoria out of the line of fire. "Report!" Commander Crean barked. "Shields down 87 percent! We won't make it Commander!" Hager shouted before suddenly flying through the air as her console exploded. Then all hell broke loose as several blasts disabled the ship, the vessel careening precariously before Tom could right it, and enter last ditch parameters to prepare for emergency landing. Emergency landing... As he did so, his console broke up in a shower of sparks, and Tom found himself on the floor of the holodeck. Tom beat down with his fists in angry frustration. No matter how hard I try, he thought with pain, the reconstruction of the accident leaves me with no answers. It's no good, Tom decided. Crean, Hager and Graham's deaths will always be on my conscience. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. He covered his face with his hand. God, how can I find expiation, he groaned desperately. The grey and yellow grid of the holodeck silently mocked him as he walked to the computer panel, resisting the urge to ram his fist into the bulkhead. "Computer, delete program PARIS ALPHA 4," he commanded with an air of resignation. Who am I kidding? ****** Tom returned to his quarters an hour later, finding B'Elanna still asleep. It was 0330, still too early before both of them started their shifts at 0800. Some time ago he had spoken to Chakotay, requesting that their shifts run concurrently. The first officer had been understanding, knowing the traumatic time B'Elanna had when she woke up in the night, hyperventilating. So for the next two months, the precious little time they had off, they could be together. He slid under the covers, her body warm and soft against him. He felt the old irresistable urge to cover her body with his, and smother her with kisses. He brushed her neck softly with his lips as he snuggled closer, eager for her warmth. She stirred, and turned drowsily into him, seeking the comfort of his arms, pressing her face into his neck, sighing with contentment. "...love you," came her breathy whisper. Hugging her fiercely, he kissed her. For a very brief second, so short he must have imagined it, he saw three dead bodies on the bridge of a ship. He felt a stab of frustration. Then he continued kissing her, to block out those images, moving his lips over hers, pressing his tongue against her so she opened her mouth. He moaned as he tasted her, a pleasurable sensation coursing through him. He started moving his tongue in her mouth, probing deeply. He felt himself hardening as her body responded to him, already in answering arousal to his own. With familiar swiftness he removed her skimpy nightie, his breath hot against her skin, trailing featherlight kisses in her neck, on her collarbone, resting there and nipping it lightly with his teeth. She gave small gasping breaths then moaned again as he assaulted her mouth, grazing her lips, his tongue sliding along her teeth. She felt herself responding as every nerve-ending started to tingle in delicious whirls, making her writhe against him. His own arousal incited as she slid her body provocatively along the length of his, rubbing her thighs against his hardness. Sighing and moaning with pleasure, her need as great as his own. He caressed her swollen breasts, his mouth drawn to her rosy nipples, tracing the aureole with his tongue. He kneaded the other breast, while his mouth worked on her nipple, teasing the rosy bud. He groaned as he felt her hands covering his erect and swollen sex, moving the skin of it over his tip and back, wanting to guide him between her legs. "God, B'Elanna-!" he moaned against her breast as he started sucking one nipple, teasing, teasing, nipping, until it stood erect and pert. He took the other breast in turn, aware of her hands all over him now, then meshed her fingers into his hair as he sucked hard, then tugged with his teeth, enjoying the way her body moved beneath him. She was breathing as hard as he, squirming as he ran his hands down her hips, then her thighs, a fine film of sweat covering her, one hand coming to rest between her legs and cupping her centre. His thumb brushed the damp curls of her mound. "Tom...I want you..." came her moan, as she started to spill her juices, sweet nectar to him. She opened her legs wider, wanting him to touch her centre. He ran his fingers over her mount, his thumb unsheathing her clit. She cried out as he touched her there. His fingers caressed her slit, moving in up and down motions. Then he slid one finger into her waiting sheath, and found her wet and ready for him. Her head was tossing from side to side as she impatiently pushed into his hands, demanding he release her. She started moving against his hand, into his fingers, her breathing ragged and heavy. He bit into her nipple, making her cry out in pain, but it only aroused her more. "Oh, Tom...do it now..." Shhh.... I'll be careful, sweetheart," he promised, as he continued stroking her clitoris, now a quivering, waiting nub, using his thumb in little circular movements that sent her crazy, almost racing her to the edge. He thrust two fingers deep into her. B'Elanna thought she could die of the sensation of feeling his fingers in her. "Tom," she cried out raggedly, "please, now...!" He moved over her, kissing her before saying "I love you..." Nudging her legs wider with his knees, he positioned himself at her centre, then swallowed her cry as he drove fast into her. The walls of her sheath closed possessively around him. She felt the pleasure so intense with each powerful thrust, she started bucking against him, arching her back as she felt her body tensing in readiness for her climax. She moved against him, willing him to go harder and faster. Tom grunted as he pounded into her, sweat forming on his face and body as he moved. The muscles in his thighs and back strained as he thrust into her. She brought her legs high up around his waist and clutched him convulsively. "Yes...B'Elanna...yesss," he gasped as their bodies started moving together, setting the timeless rhythm of the ages. Tom felt his control slipping as B'Elanna's body stiffened, arching her back high against him. He dug his fingers into her hair, holding her head, as he drove his tongue roughly into her mouth, plunging deeply. At the same time he drove into her, in hard thrusts. She scored his lips with her teeth, biting, tasting blood as she felt herself reaching the edge. Her nails dug deeply into his back, crying his name out loud as she went thunderously over the edge, pulling a screaming Tom with her as he gave a final thrust, rising high above her, his head thrown back. "B'Elanna -!!" Tom collapsed over her, shudder after shudder of delicious aftershocks still racking them, their breathing returning slowly to normal. "I love you, B'Elanna," Tom cried hoarsely against her neck, feeling almost embarrassingly, the sting of tears. Their bodies still entwined in the aftermath of their lovemaking, B'Elanna realised a few minutes later, that Tom had fallen asleep. I wonder, she thought absently, why he made love to me so passionately, waking me up to do so. She was sleeping so soundly, until she felt his mouth insistently against her neck, her lips. Tom was usually so considerate; he wouldn't normally wake her to make love to her with such abandon, especially after she's had a hard and difficult day in engineering, and especially... she touched her stomach. We have little Elizabeth in here, she mused with tenderness. I have to take care. She shuddered at the thought of losing this baby as well, tears suddenly welling in her eyes as she thought of Gracie. Please, dear God, let us have Elizabeth. She looked at Tom, now fast asleep. What is wrong with you, my love? She must remember to ask him in the morning, she thought as she, too, drifted to sleep. ***** B'Elanna was already seated at their usual table in the mess hall when Tom joined her. She had a troubled look on her face, and he sighed, knowing he put it there. Kissing her lightly on the cheek, he sat down. He looked at her, but she tried to avert his gaze, and before he could say anything, Neelix appeared with what looked like breakfast. They looked at the fare for the morning. "Neelix, what is this?" both asked. "Why, my dears, it's oatmeal. I made the flour from some dried tubers we found on Dekra Two. Isn't it amazing? Your favourite. And here - here's some very nice juice... It has an interesting bouquet, I daresay. Very orangy..." "Neelix," came Tom's rejoinder. Wines have interesting bouquets. I really don't want to hear what indeterminate ingredients went into my breakfast. It's morning, for heaven's sake!" He frowned, then rubbed his neck. "Tom," B'Elanna tried to placate him, "just eat it. It does stave off the hunger." "Yes, it does, doesn't it?" Neelix piped in. He seemed unfazed by the undercurrents between these two, and continued: "Look, if you'll just..." "Neelix, back off!" B'Elanna scowled, almost barking at him. "B'Elanna," Tom winced as he felt another headache coming, "was that necessary?" Neelix decided it would be prudent to make his retreat now, and get himself out of the line of fire. It wouldn't do to aggravate his two favourite volatile humans. Well, a human and a half human, he conceded. So he excused himself, and gave Ensign Parsons, who sometimes doubled as his mess sergeant, a conspiratorial wink, before escaping into the galley. Tom looked at B'Elanna, wondering at the change in her mood. "Something's the matter, B'Elanna. What is it?" he queried. "Tom, you know it's strange. I think I should be asking you that question." She leaned a little over the table, lowering her voice before some curious onlookers, readying themselves for a showdown between the Parises. "You woke me during the night to make love to me. I...I thought we had agreed Tom..." She hesitated before continuing, looking at him, her eyes unhappy. "You're usually so considerate... generous to a fault. But last night... I think something is bothering you..." "B'Elanna, I - " "Oh, I - I know I responded," she said, a little self-deprecatingly. Her eyes misted suddenly over, pleading for understanding, the ridge on her forehead appearing a little more pronounced. Tom closed his eyes in sudden mortification. Knowing he overstepped something to which they both agreed, and he felt rotten about it, particularly now that she's pregnant again, with the constant tiredness she had during her first pregnancy, unable to explain to her. He couldn't tell her of his nightmares, the things that he did, the things that happened to him, which evoked time and again his shame, his guilt. He always thought these things were buried so deeply, they would not surface. And if they did, like when some crew member would remind him of his transgressions, he could shrug it off lightheartedly, so protect himself. He looked at her. "Sweetheart, I can't explain it. Could we just leave it?" For a second she imagined she saw a tortured expression flash in his eyes, her own questioning look seeking an explanation he was unwilling to give. "Tom, please. I love you. But I need for you to trust me too. I trusted you with my feelings, things from my life and I know you will never betray them. Couldn't you do the same for me?" "B'Elanna," he sighed, "please... Now is not the time." He wondered if there will ever be a right time. "Then when is?" she asked, in a flash of anger, her voice now rising. "B'Elanna, let it go... please." "Tom, we need to talk about this..." "Please." Tom rose, almost overturning his chair. A dull trobbing was starting again at the base of his skull, and he felt a slight nausea because of it. He was about to bite B'Elanna's head off, but kept his chaotic emotions and angry retorts under rigid control. He was reminded of how Captain Janeway had cornered the two of them and gave them a healthy lecture on decorum. So he hastily left the hall, pausing at its doors to rub his neck, and continued down the corridor to the turbolift which would take him to the bridge. Not once did he look back at B'Elanna. "B'Elanna." She looked up and saw Neelix, who didn't wait for an invitation to seat himself opposite her. "Here, just what Uncle Neelix and the doctor ordered," he said as he put a glass of warm milk in front of her. He paused, then looked her in the eye, "You know, B'Elanna, he'll tell you what's bothering him. You just be patient. You'll see." "Neelix," she sighed, "I know. I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood right now to talk." "Okay, then you'll just take care of that wee one you're carrying, or Uncle Neelix will be very unhappy. Take it easy, B'Elanna." Neelix left again, leaving B'Elanna to ponder over Tom's behaviour. She had not wanted to back down on her confrontation with Tom, but seeing him become increasingly agitated, she acquiesced. He was being bothered by something he didn't want to share with anyone. Not even her. She knew herself how corroding that could be to a person. Things that eat away at you, because you refuse out of a misguided sense of pride to let someone help carry that burden. I did not always love him, she mused with sweet remembrance. I didn't even like him to begin with. He was such an arrogant pig, with that cocky self-assurance that used to grate on her. Insulting him used to be the highlight of any bantering between them. Her Klingon temper scared off many a crew member, even poor Harry, who was such a good buddy. Recalling the number of occasions she had been extremely troubled, it was Tom who was always there, a Tom she didn't even like. The friend who refused to be intimidated by her, however badly she treated him. He wasn't scared of her. And how grateful she was for that now. For it was Tom who held her hands when she had been petrified with fear after her Klingon DNA was extracted. She had been so afraid they would kill him. It was Tom who told her not to be afraid. He would look after her. Tom who listened patiently when she beat herself over the Dreadnought incident, and she told him of Chakotay's disappointment in her. She sighed. It was Tom who held her in his arms and whispered over and over that she was safe, the fever now purged. She remembered then the feeling of comfort and caring as he held her, unwilling to let her go. Who told her later not to be afraid to show her big, scary Klingon side to him - and that it wasn't so terrible. Secure in his love for her, she became unafraid. Yes, she thought. I did not always love him. But I love him now. So much it hurts. He's caring, gentle and protective over me even when I don't want him to so protective. But how to explain that to a man who would wake the instant you came up gasping for air, hyperventilating? How to explain that to a man who let you beat him senseless, because you lost your baby, and you expressed your grief that way? How to explain that to a man who has never stopped trying to help you become the person you are? Rising slowly from the table, she walked to the turbolift. I shouldn't prod him too much, she reflected with sadness. There are so many things about his life I still don't know. I will just have to be very patient, as Neelix instructed. Something is eating away at Tom, and it's going to affect our relationship eventually. Standing in the lift, she realised with a pang that she still had a pre-natal appointment at 1100. The next few days were particularly hectic, when Voyager encountered a plasma storm over a planet they were visiting. They sustained some damage to the ship's systems. Which naturally kept the entire crew on their toes, repairing power conduits, the navigational controls. Harry's console erupted into sparks. Every crew member was busy, none more so than Tom and B'Elanna, who both pulled double shifts to repair the damage in their respective departments, and running diagnostics. The Captain and Chakotay not resting until they were satisfied that things were running smoothly again. They meant to get the crew home before Voyager disintegrated with fatigue, they joked. Tom in particular had been concerned about B'Elanna's health. She was in her fourth month, and he could see she tired quickly. He thought he'd pay the Captain a visit, to speak to her about it. She was in her quarters so he went there. He pressed the chime and heard her beckoning to enter. "Er...Captain. I'm sorry to disturb you," he said as he saw the first officer sitting next to her on her couch, a pile of PADDS on the coffee table in front of them. He thought they parted a tad too guiltily, but whatever it was he saw here, was probably what everyone suspected anyway. They had the crew's blessing, even if they didn't know it yet. To him actually, it was a relief seeing both of them there. "Tom," the Captain asked. What brings you here?" "It's about B'Elanna," he said without preamble. "She's in her second trimester, and I'm worried. She still insists on working all hours, even doing extra shifts. She tires quite easily these days," he said, smiling. "I - I'm worried, quite frankly." "Tom, I thought you could handle B'Elanna," came Chakotay's response. "Not if she tells you to stop being overprotective!" Tom sounded almost aggrieved. "Tom, you want to do a hundred and one little things for her she thinks she can do herself. Hey, don't look so surprised," Chakotay chimed, "she told me you make her sit on the bed while you put on her shoes! You watch what she eats, you won't let her in the holodeck for some light games. Need I go on?" "Chakotay, B'Elanna had a difficult time coming to terms with her miscarriage. I just want make sure she's all right, that nothing wil go wrong this time." Tom looked indeed so concerned, the Captain and Chakotay both surprised at how much Tom had grown, especially since marrying B'Elanna. She also knew that Tom, even if he didn't say it, took B'Elanna's miscarriage very hard. He was quite understandably worried. "You know the Doctor is the one who can give you the best advice," the Captain said. Then she looked at Chakotay. "Perhaps you can arrange her shifts in such a way that she's not aware that she'll be taking it easy." Tom looked relief. B'Elanna would listen if others showed their concern. The Captain and Chakotay both looked at him. "Tom, don't worry so. This time it seems, B'Elanna will carry her baby to term. There's no doubt about that. And Tom," Janeway continued, "I noticed on the bridge you rubbing your neck from time to time. Are you sure you're all right?" "If I may venture," said Chakotay, "you don't look too good right now. When last have you had your medical?" Tom blushed, feeling slightly stupid that the ship's commanding officers let nothing slip by them. If truth be told, he felt awful, a nausea sitting in the pit of his stomach. He didn't want to worry them. Pinching the bridge of his nose with thumb and forefinger, he said: "It's only a slight headache. Nothing that I can't treat myself in sickbay. I'll be on my way then. Thank you, Captain. Chakotay." *** The moment Tom left, Kathryn looked at Chakotay. "Well?" she asked. "Do you think he noticed?" "If he did," Chakotay replied, "he's not saying anything. He really did look pale, almost sickly. Too sickly to have thrown his old wise-cracks." "Chakotay..." "Yes, ma'am?" He recognised her command tone. "Come here." "Yes, m'am, anytime," Chakotay whispered as he drew her into his embrace, his chest reassuringly hard and welcome. She wrapped her arms around his waist. Lifting her face to him, he lowered his head, and brushed her lips softly with his, while at the same time removing the pins from her hair, letting it cascade down her shoulders. He looked at her, her lips open, her breathing a little shallow. "There, that's the Kathryn I love..." before he lowered his mouth to hers again in a deep kiss... ****** B'Elanna had little time to reflect on their altercation in the mess hall, but walking down the corridor to their quarters some days later, she mulled again over his extreme reticence to open up to her, even considering the depth of their relationship. I wish he would just let up, she thought. It made her unhappy knowing he was experiencing something painful he didn't want to share with her. And worst of all, he would shrug off his pains by trivialising everything so you didn't know if he was serious or not. She entered the cabin, to hear an awful retching sound coming from the bathroom. Tom! She found him over the basin, his body heaving. She held him like that until it eventually stopped. Taking a warm cloth she wiped his face, noting how blotched it is, his eyes swollen and red. "B'Elanna," he croaked, "I'm not feeling very well." "Tom, you must see the Doctor!" her voice was etched with concern. She hasn't seen him like this. "No!" was his immediate response. "It's just a headache. I can deal with it. Just hand me that hypospray, B'Elanna..." "I don't like what you're doing, Tom," as she took the hypospray, hesitating to give it to him. "I said, give it!" he shouted. She hesitated before saying: "Please, go see the Doctor, Tom." "Dammit, B'Elanna!" he barked as he grabbed it from her, and injected himself. He felt immediate relief as the powerful drug took effect. Tom looked at her a second then said: "I'm sorry, B'Elanna," before he fell into her arms. She led him to the bed, where she tucked him in. She stroked his face, kissed him on his forehead. He was hot and flustered. "Tom," she ventured, "how long have you been injecting yourself?" "Don't know," he croaked drowsily, "two, maybe three months," it came out. "You mean you haven't seen the Doctor in all this time?" "I told you I can treat it myself, B'Elanna. Don't worry so," he said a little testily. She was a little shocked. She was unaware of it. She knew he kept a medi-kit in their quarters, but the drug itself, he had to get from sick-bay. It was puzzling. She held him until he fell into a restless sleep, before she prepared for bed too. She was very concerned, thinking she should speak to the Doctor about Tom's condition. Something is seriously wrong, she sensed. And the headaches were just a part of it. Even now she could still feel how his body twitched, the pain probably overcoming him in his sleep. How long she slept, she didn't know, but she woke to the clattering noise coming from the bathroom, followed by a thud. Everything was quiet after that. She felt the empty space next to her. She jumped up, rushed to the bathroom, to find Tom lying face down on the floor, unconscious. Turning him on his back, she saw that he looked deathly pale. She suppressed her fear as she realised he needed immediate medical attention. "Torres to sickbay," she instructed the computer. "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" came the Doctor's response. "Medical emergency. Request site to site transport for Lieutenant Paris, Doctor. He's unconscious." She gave a sigh of relief as Tom was beamed to sickbay. After dressing, she followed a few minutes later. ***** "Doctor, what's wrong with him?" a worried B'Elanna asked as soon as she entered sick bay. She stood at the biobed, her hand now resting on Tom's arm. His face was pale, a nerve in his jaw twitching. "Lieutenant," the Doctor parried her question, "how long has your husband had these headaches? He's never come to see me about it." He set about scanning Tom. "He missed his medicals for the last three months!" "Doctor, he's been treating the condition himself." "That I can see. He's pumped himself full of drugs," he said a little disapprovingly. The Doctor continued scanning, then placed a cortical stimulator on Tom's forehead. B'Elanna felt the disquiet growing as she saw that, knowing it was something serious. "Doctor?" B'Elanna looked at him with beseeching eyes, fear gripping her. "Lieutenant, your husband has a tumour on the brain; the brain stem, to be exact." "Doctor, are you sure?" B'Elanna asked in shocked disbelief. "Lieutenant, I'm a holographic interface. An incredibly sophisticated computer. I don't lie. Here, look for yourself," he instructed as he showed her the monitor, and she was able to spot the darkened area at the base of his skull. No wonder he rubbed his neck so often. She thought it might have been a new habit he cultivated. How stupid that I didn't recognise it sooner. The last few days in particular, he looked pale most of the time. "Doctor, what can you do for him?" "The procedure to remove it is relatively simple. A method pioneered by Dr. McCoy. But I'll perform the procedure in about eight hours. For a relief medic, I don't need to tell you, Lieutenant, he acted rather irresponsibly. He should have known better. He's become dependent on the drugs he's used. Some rather powerful ones, I might add. He needs to work the effects of the drugs he's been using, out of his system. Naturally I can speed that process up. Right now, Lieutenant, as your physician, I order you to go back to your quarters to get some rest." "No! I want to stay with him. He stayed with me all the times when I was ill. He needs me, Doctor. Please." She gave him a challenging look. "Fine, one hour only, then you go. In your condition Lieutenant, I don't need to remind you to take it easy." B'Elanna nodded solemnly, all the time looking at the very sick man lying there. "He - I think he must have had this headache for months, Doctor, now that I think of it. I - I think after..." she was pondering now, her brows knitting in a frown, "yes... after he took that tumble climbing the Eiger. Yes, that's it. After he brought me in here. The headaches started after that." "That was a about six months ago! Lieutenant, it still angers me the way some crew members are careless about their health. I take it he was unconscious after the fall?" "Yes, for a minute. He had a bad headache for days after that. I just never connected it to that event, until now. He was so busy helping me, I never noticed." "He should come to in a few minutes. I've given him a sedative, so he'll be drowsy. After his treatment tomorrow, I'll keep him here for two more days, until he's fit for duty again. And Lieutenant, he will have withdrawal symptoms. I'd say he will need you then. Just let me know if he gets too difficult. I'll make a house call then." "Thank you for warning me, Doctor," B'Elanna answered, remembering how Tom almost panicked because she wouldn't give him the hypospray. The Doctor took himself off, leaving B'Elanna alone with Tom. Pulling a stool to the bed, she sat down and held his hand, idly rubbing her fingers over his knuckles. Oh, Tom, she cried wordlessly, why don't you tell me of the things that trouble you? Why won't you trust me? With the back of her hand she touched his cheek, feeling it warm and feverish. She felt the tears welling in her eyes. Minutes later he started moving, groaning as he slowly tried to open his eyes. "Tom..." came her whisper. "You must lie still" "B'Elanna - " he started, turning to face her, his eyes dark with pain. "I'm sorry I scared you," he croaked. She bent over to kiss him, then sat back, holding his hand tightly. "Sweetheart, you are very sick, you know. Why didn't you tell me?" There was a note of pleading in her voice, her eyes beseeching. "I - I didn't want you to worry over me, B'Elanna. I... I thought I could treat it myself." "Tom, do you know what is wrong with you?" she asked pointedly. He turned his face away, suddenly ashamed. Then he looked at her again. "Yeah," he sighed. "I have a tumour, in the brainstem. I didn't want anyone to know, not even Doctor. You would have had to know anyway. I didn't want you to worry, B'Elanna," he reiterated. "We have a baby coming..." he looked at her, pleading her to understand. "I must worry about you, Paris," she scowled at him. "It's why I love you and care about you. And that's the Klingon half agreeing with my human half," she growled. "Don't do it to me again. Please..." Tom closed his eyes, wondering what he had ever done to deserve this woman. He felt the tears pricking. "I love you, B'Elanna." She placed his hand against her cheek. "Tom, Doctor will be removing the tumour tomorrow. Then he wants you to stay here for two more days. You gave me a scare. Doctor is miffed that you didn't tell him, and that you pumped yourself full of drugs. You can expect a lecture from him in the next few days," she said tiredly. "Sweetheart, you look tired. I'm in Doctor's good hands now. Go to bed, please," Tom ordered, his old imperiousness returning. "Only when I'm sure you are sleeping. Then I'll go. Not before that, Paris," she grumbled. "I'm not completely incapacitated." "Fine, then keep holding my hand. I don't want to lose you..." he mumbled. So she stayed with him, holding his hand until he fell aleep. I'll just rest my head on my arms, she was still thinking before she was asleep. * "B'Elanna." A hand was on her shoulder, shaking her gently awake. "Wha-what?" B'Elanna woke with a start, realising she was still resting on her elbows against Tom. She looked groggily up and saw the Captain. "Captain!" She straightened immediately. "Come, you need to sleep in your own bed. The Doctor informed me of Tom's condition. He'll be fine after tomorrow." She looked kindly at the young woman, then put her arms around her shoulders and accompanied B'Elanna to her quarters, where she tucked her in. "You want this?" Kathryn Janeway asked, smiling as she picked up the pink teddy bear from the nightstand. "Oh yes. Call me sentimental, Captain, but I like to tuck Eliza in with me." "Eliza?" "Yes, it's what we're going to call our baby. Elizabeth Rowena. After Tom's mother." "You're certain it's a girl?" Kathryn Janeway smiled indulgently. "Oh yes. Definitely. I'll kill Doctor if it isn't," she quipped. The Captain stroked B'Elanna's hair from her face, before she got up to leave. "You have the day off tomorrow, B'Elanna. Chakotay's orders." "Thank you, Captain." Kathryn Janeway left, with the strangest feeling of foreboding taking hold of her. She shook herself visibly to rid herself of it. ***** "Tom!" B'Elanna exclaimed excitedly some weeks later as he entered the bedroom. "There's something I want to show you..." He approached her, and kissed her lingeringly on her mouth. She was almost five months pregnant now, and showing a gentle bulge. She was radiant, her eyes shining. "And a very good evening to you too, B'Elanna, love," Tom joked. She ignored his barb completely, and took his hand and held it against her stomach. She watched Tom's expression change to wonderment, his eyes growing big, then slowly filling with tears as he felt their baby moving. He sank slowly to his knees, his arms around her, and held the side of his head against her stomach. "I love you, B'Elanna, heart of my heart." "Tom..." she whispered a minute later. "Hmmm..?" "I want to make love to you..." "B'Elanna..." he groaned. "Yes." Tom kissed her stomach, then said, "hey, Elizabeth, your Mama wants to have her way with - " "Now!" B'Elanna growled as she in one swift movement hauled him to his feet, and within seconds had him standing naked in front of her. "God, B'Elanna - !" as she grabbed his face and kissed him, then bit into his cheek. She felt his instant arousal against her. Slowly she lowered herself to her knees, her face in line with his throbbing shaft. "Mine..." she murmured as her mouth covered him. He meshed his fingers into her hair, while she sank deeper into him. "Yes...yesss! Oh yesss, B'Elanna..." ***** Tom lifted his head, trying to shake the grogginess off. He must have passed out. It was difficult to focus, the figures on the bridge still a blur. Agonisingly slowly, the blurring receded and he looked around him, feeling the intense pain shooting through his legs. There must have been a direct hit to the bridge, he thought. But he brought the cruiser down, didn't he? Some officers were groaning where they were lying near the base of their consoles. With sickening dread he saw that Ensign Hager was dead; so was Lieutenant Graham and Commander Crean. He crawled towards the Commander's body, trying desperately to revive him. It was an accident, he thought with panic. It shouldn't have happened. An accident. His rising panic was threatening to overcome him. He felt tears. He looked at the Commander's body again. His outflung arm seemed to show him more terror, pointing accusingly at him. It was then that he saw her, lying face down at the science station. He crawled towards the body. How strange that there was something lying next to her. He tried to focus, and peered in the darkness. It was the body of a baby. "B'Elanna?" "No..." he groaned. "No-! Please...! Not B'Elanna. Please God, don't let her die too... Oh dear God...B'Elanna, love... what have I done?" He held her lifeless body in his arms and cried haltingly. "Yes, her death will be on your conscience too. You killed her as surely as you killed us!" Commander Crean's voice came from somewhere. He could vaguely see the Commander pointing a finger at him. He stood over the body of the baby. "Murderer!" he shouted. "No...it was an accident...Please B'Elanna, don't die...!" But the body remained still in his arms. "Murderer!" "She can't be dead..." "Murderer!" "No -- !!!" ***** "Tom...Tom... wake up. Wake up, sweetheart, you're having a nightmare." She shook him, and he woke, gasping for air; his blue eyes stared wildly around him. "B'Elanna?" he called raggedly when he focused on her. "You're not dead?" "Tom, honey. I'm right here. Look at me. Here, feel my heart." She placed his hand on her heart, her own covering his. Then she cupped his face in her hands, willing him to look at her. He frowned, then looked at her in heartrending relief, touching the ridges on her forehead, he touched her eyes, her cheeks, his trembling fingers coming to rest on her lips. He closed his eyes. B'Elanna could see the glistening of tears on his lashes; it brought tears to her own eyes. He scooped her in his arms, and held on tightly, like a drowning man. She did not mind when it felt he was crushing her ribs. He touched her again, stroking her hair, her cheeks. Then he hugged her convulsively, and she thought she heard a sob. They sat like that, for long, long minutes, until the trembling in his body stopped. At last B'Elanna looked at him, noticing how he still had that look of fear in his eyes, but there was something else...something else in his eyes that made her realise she had witnessed what could be the core of Tom's tormented soul. A glimpse into the heart of a man who would not let anyone close enough into his life. In these moments the barriers Tom had erected so carefully around himself, were down. And she, B'Elanna, his wife, saw Tom Paris as vulnerable as no one had ever seen him. "Tom..." she ventured at length, hoping fervently he would not brush her off again. "What is wrong? You just had a terrifying nightmare. Please don't tell me it's nothing." She cupped his face with her hands, and felt a last shuddering sigh rack his body. "This is not the first time you had this nightmare, isn't it?" she realised with sudden insight. "And all those times you were always on the holodecks, creating crazy stunts. With the safety protocols off. It made you cranky for days!" He nodded, then in an endearing gesture touched her stomach, as if making sure the baby is fine. Then he looked at her. She knew in that look, Tom was at last going to let her into his life. "B'Elanna," he whispered, "I dreamed of the accident on Caldik Prime." He smiled mirthlessly. Then he was still for so long, she wanted to tell him not to continue, seeing how terrified he still appeared. She gently brushed back his sweat-drenched hair. "Three people died there, did you know? And God help me, I was responsible. I was responsible," he repeated softly. And everytime I have that dream, I'm on the bridge during the last moments before it happened. I swear to you I didn't mean it. I was under orders. And Commander Crean...yes, that was his name... he would point a finger at me, and call me a murderer." B'Elanna blached at this, but Tom continued "Only this time... this time...*you* had somehow appeared on the bridge, and-and you were lying there, near the Commander. He told me I killed you too." Tom closed his eyes at this thought. "Next to you, lay the body of a-a baby, B'Elanna. It seemed he was punishing me by making me lose those I love, like their families lost them..." This time she hugged him. "I wanted to die, B'Elanna. I wanted to die," he cried desperately. It would be my punishment." He looked at her, held her face: "I don't want to lose you," he whispered. As she held him, she felt him break into racking sobs, saying over and over that it was an accident, he didn't mean it, that he's sorry. She rocked him, saying everything is all right. That she's there with him. That Elizabeth is safe. Her heart bled for him, because even now, years later, he is still paying for his mistakes. When he calmed at last, he spoke again. "I tried to recreate a simulation, trying to determine the exact conditions and circumstances of the accident." There was as look of futility in his eyes. "Everytime, the same thing happened. Three officers lie dead. Because of me. They haunt me, B'Elanna. They won't let me go. And I'm sorry...sorry that it happened." "Tom", B'Elanna said, realising something suddenly, "were you trying to do that that night on the holodeck? The night you woke me up to - to make love to me?" "Yes," he admitted hoarsely. I'm truly sorry about that B'Elanna." He embraced her, "I knew you were tired, you were asleep. I broke an agreement. I was just so angry and frustrated. Though that's no excuse." He cupped her face: "Forgive me...please?" "I love you, Tom," she whispered, then she kissed him gently. It was clear to her Tom was carrying a burden so heavy, his guilt so intense, he must have thought that no one would forgive him. It is a heavy price to pay, living with it. Still feeling punished for things he regretted the moment they happened. Years ago. She fetched his robe. He frowned when he saw it. "We're taking a walk," she said. He nodded. He needed to get out. He needed her. ***** They walked slowly along the corridors of Voyager, Tom's arm around her shoulder, hers around his waist. He made her put on a pair of warm socks, to which she naturally demurred, but she knew he was just protective. She still had to learn to have someone looking after her. Tom talked calmly to her, she just nodded and listened. They found themselves eventually in the hydroponics bay. It seemed a natural point to end their walk. They sat on one of the little benches, not before Tom took his robe off and put it on the seat. She rested her head against his shoulder, her face nestled in his neck, content just to hug him. "Tom," she said at length, "you must try to make yourself understand that what happened, was an error of judgement. But more so, an accident. You were young and brash. Aren't we all at some point so angry at everyone, at the world? And sometimes we do things wrong which we can never undo. You regretted you actions; you were remorseful, but most importantly, you were truthful. You took responsibility for them. That, in my books, says a lot." She paused while she tried to phrase her next words. "We would not grow emotionally and spiritually if we didn't learn from the mistakes we made. No doubt, in future, if we ever make it back to the Alpha Quadrant, there will always be those who will remind you of your transgressions. But I believe you are stronger now to cope with anything." "I used to envy the way you fitted in here so quickly, B'Elanna. You don't know how difficult it was for me, in the beginning. I felt like I was working harder than anyone else, just so they could accept me." "Here, on Voyager, you have redeemed yourself in so many different ways. The Captain, you must know, was the first to put a motion of confidence in you. She had faith in you from the start. Most of the crew were ready to follow her lead. She trusted you to bring us home. You have gained the respect of the crew, showing in a hundred different ways your bravery, compassion, your strength, willingness to help. How can anyone forget that you had to become a bad boy again, making them think the worst of you, just so you could flush that creep Jonas out? That, as far as I am concerned, is atonement. You must just keep thinking of that." "B'Elanna, there are some people very close to me, whom I've wished could have shown your understanding." "Tom, I'll tell you this: you are not the same person you were five years ago. Who knows - maybe those persons also changed. You are kind and generous - I'm glad I married you." Tom sighed, and gave her a squeeze. Very suddenly, the bay lit up in a blinding white light, which had both of them blinking furiously. Then the light concentrated to become a band of energy swirling in front of them. They surmised it to be a life form. They were right, for a second later, the body of energy assumed humanoid form. She appeared before them, waif-like, her golden hair swathed like a pixie's cap around her head. Her smile sweet and gentle. Her ears were pointed. Her eyes, the bluest of blue. Large. Fey. Tom thought she always did have that ethereal, other-worldly look about her. "Kes!" they both whispered. Her eyes smiled merrily in acknowledgement. Tom and B'Elanna were both standing now, almost wanting to touch her. But they didn't, it seemed too profane. Tom looked at Kes with such kindness in his eyes. Then he spoke to her. He said quietly: "Kes, you've always known about us, didn't you?" Kes gave a gentle nod, then she looked at B'Elanna. She took a step forward, stretched out her hand and touched B'Elanna's stomach, in the merest of fairy-like touches. She nodded again, approval clear in her blue eyes. In the next second she vanished again, and the light in the hydroponics bay restored to normal. B'Elanna looked at her husband and whispered: "Tom, she's happy for us!" Tom looked at B'Elanna, looked deeply into her eyes and said: "B'Elanna, I love you so much. Heart of my heart. My saving grace." Then he bent his head down to kiss her gently. EINDE Ronne would love some feedback.