Disclaimers TPTB are the owners and Gods of Trek. I'm just a mortal borrowing their material for some fun and not making a penny off their copyrights. Thus the only thing I own is the story concept and that's that. Feedback is welcome at geordi@gti.net

Copyright: STAR TREK: VOYAGER, episode "Good Shepherd", and all characters associated are copyrights of Paramount Inc. (2000). "Little Misfitted Sheep" is copyright of George Padovan (March 2000).

Author's Note: Spoilers for Voyager 6th season episode "Good Shepherd", thus don't read if don't want to be spoiled.

Acknowledgements: Thanks goes out to Jim "Review Boy" Wright and his Delta Blue's review of "Good Shepherd" for the thoughts and views of the characters, which inspired this story. Also thanks go out to Celle and Kelly, two of the best betareaders a fanfic author can have. Thanks, ladies!

Little Misfitted Sheep

by George Padovan

Personal Log, Stardate: 53766.6

This is my first log since I was released from Sickbay. There was a debriefing on the mission and our encounters with the aliens soon after the Doctor let me out, and as part of the away team, I had to attend.

Billy sure didn't like to be reminded that he had that bug, or whatever it was, inside him, but he took it in stride during the debriefing. My friend looks like he might come away from this with out his phobias, but I doubt they will be completely eradicated. Maybe he now has gained a better insight into his fears. I, for one, didn't enjoy seeing that thing crawling inside him and then pop out through his neck.

At the time, I was scared for Billy and didn't think much of Crewman Harren's actions toward the alien. Now that I think about it, especially after the debriefing, I can see that Harren was doing what he thought was right to protect us, even if his actions were rash and impulsive. He wasn't trained for such situations, and the Captain's decision to forgive Harren with just a small notice in his file seems justified.

However, I doubt Harren will change anytime soon. He certainly made his point that he didn't want to be stranded in the Delta Quadrant. The Captain probably will leave him alone from this point onward, despite the hints she gave Harren that she would like him to try other assignments rather than being isolated on Deck 15. Given his smug attitude, he probably won't.

As for me, I admit that I feel somewhat more confident about myself, after what the Captain told me on the Delta Flyer, but I'm not so sure I have the confidence in myself that she seems to have in me. Seven-of- Nine sure doesn't think much of me.

I did, however, propose a transfer from Astrometrics to Engineering, which has been granted to me. Seven is just too intimidating for me, given her superior Borg attitude.

[pause] The away mission with the Captain did give me a new view of her. She certainly is human, that's for sure, but she still is the Captain. [pause] I certainly have more admiration for her than before. I might even volunteer for an away mission next time. [sound of chuckling] I wonder if I might get a mission with Tom Paris. [long pause] Then again, Lieutenant Torres will tear me limb from limb if I even try to flirt with her boyfriend.

Oh well... At least I still have a good friend in Billy.

Computer, end log.

Personal Log, Stardate: 53766.9

If I ever go on another away mission like the one I went through, it could not come soon. Having one experience with an alien inside my body is enough for a lifetime. It makes me wonder how anyone can cope with something like rape.

I'm certainly glad the Doctor said that there were no aftereffects of the alien occupation of my body. I don't like to think that... thing, whatever it was, had left some sort of disease in me or that I'm still under its control even though it's dead.

I admit that I'm no longer prone to hypochondria as much as I was, but the experience still leaves my skin crawling. To feel that alien withering inside me like a parasite was... horrible. Despite its message of "Do not belong," I don't think it should have invaded me. It was truly frightening.

The Captain's story of her fear of deep water was calming in a way. I always thought she wasn't afraid of anything, but it was surprising to hear she had flaws just like me. It makes me wonder if she really is no different from any other crewmember.

[sound of throat clearing] Anyway, the mission debriefing went okay. Upon hearing about the alien's occupation of my body, I did my best not to flinch. The Captain gave me a smile of encouragement when I told my side of the events. Her smile sure is pretty. It warmed me and eased any fears when I spoke. I wish she smiled more often like that. [sigh]

Celes seems a bit more confident than before. Maybe she won't need me much anymore, since she probably will able to complete her assignments and tasks without asking me for advice and help most of the time. I'm glad for her. She is my friend, and I hope everything works out well for her from now on.

I'm not sure I can say the same about Harren. Despite his mistake of killing the alien, the Captain will not charge him given the tense situation we were in. He thought the alien was a threat, and even I thought, at the time it was inside me, that it was. Only afterward did I realize that it was probably not a threat at all. Nevertheless, I still think it should have asked me before using my body.

I wonder if Harren will change. [pause] Then again, maybe not. He sure didn't like the Captain dragging him out of Deck 15. I think it's best he be left alone. His noble thoughts to sacrifice himself to give us in the Delta Flyer a chance to escape were noble, but I'm not really certain that was his intention.

I think time will tell if he really has changed. The first sign will obviously be whether he will take the Captain's advice to take other assignments more to his abilities instead of staying isolated in the belly of the ship. He certainly seems an almost even match with the Captain when comparing scientific theories and stuff. It'll be a shame, in my opinion, to see his talents go to waste despite his over-inflated ego.

Anyway... I hope for the best. Things for me will never be the same again. My wholehearted thanks go to you, Captain. Thank you.

Computer, end log.

Personal log, Stardate: 53766.12

I do feel *somewhat* grateful to her for snapping some sense into me, but at the moment I certainly don't feel any gratitude for her at all. Not after this so-call away mission, which nearly got me killed along with Tal and Telfer.

From what she told me, she brought me along on the mission because she thought I was *hiding* on Deck 15. Ha! That's a laugh. I was perfectly happy and content, until she came along and scattered my theories, thoughts, and views. I found working alone to be fine, it gave me time to work on my theories. And Deck 15 is the perfect place where no one ever bothers me.

And despite my isolation, I certainly *knew* very much about all the events this ship was in during the past six years. I'm not as dense and out of step as she thought. The Kazon, the Vidiians, Species 8472, the Voth, the Hirogens, the Borg, I knew all about them like every other person onboard.

Heck, I *was* one of the Hirogen's playthings during their occupation. The EMH had told me the number of times I was patched up and sent back into the holodecks during that month.

Misfit. Captain Janeway certainly thought I was one. If that's the case, so be it. I certainly didn't sign up for this *adventure*, and I know she didn't, either. But she's full of it, thinking she wouldn't trade the past six years for anything. That's a lie if I ever heard one. I knew from the rumor mill how she sometimes isolated herself, especially during that trip through the Void. That means she does have guilt about our being out here. I wondered if she took on the task of reforming Tal, Telfer, and me to relieve some of that guilt. She didn't counter me on the Delta Flyer, so it makes my theory of her more likely.

As for the others, I don't know what they had done to warrant the Captain's personal attention. I knew for certain that they were misfits like me. Telfer sure didn't like that alien inside him, and Tal didn't look she had any confidence. That changed, I noticed, after the mission. Each looked and acted different somewhat. I can't pinpoint it, but I knew that Janeway has changed them.

[snort] She probably thinks that I've changed as well. [pause] As I said before, Janeway turned my world upside down, so in a way she did change me.

Now I'm not sure what to do. She gave me some advice during the mission briefing that my abilities would be better used elsewhere than on Deck 15. She even smiled at me when she said it, making me feel put on the spot. If I turn her down and stay where I am on Deck 15, I will be made the fool. If I do accept her advice, I will probably find little time for my theories.

[pause for a long moment] I certainly don't like her for doing this to me. As I said, I certainly don't have any gratitude for her. I know she meant well, but I feel that I'm worse off now than before.

She accused me during the mission of murdering that alien. It was the alien who took over Telfer's body and attempted to do harm. She didn't charge me during the mission briefing, just saying that I was under pressure and not trained for such encounters. My file will be noted, but I will not be charged.

Like that will make a difference. Right. I'm not a Starfleet officer, and I certainly hope after this that she will not bother me to go on another away mission again. I certainly will not stay in Starfleet once Voyager returns home. I'm going to do what I always planned during the past six years - I'll resign from the Fleet and go to Orion One.

Damn Janeway for putting me in this predicament. [pause] I don't know if I would ever respect her like the rest of the crew does, but at the moment I don't care. I do respect her for getting Voyager closer to home, but I don't respect her for stepping into my life like she did.

Everything was okay until she stuck her nose into my affairs. And thanks to her, I don't know if I can ever return to the way things were.

I'm in limbo now. All the blame is hers - Captain Kathryn Janeway. Damn her.

Computer, end log.

The end

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