Welcome to the Hellmouth

Oh, I would kill to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes?

Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written.

Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

You wanna fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all by sight they're a lot easier to avoid.

Don't you have an elsewhere to be?

My mom doesn't even get out of bed anymore. And the doctor says it's Epstein-Barr. I'm, like, please! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, *nobody* cool has Epstein-Barr anymore.

What is your childhood trauma?!

Excuse me, I have to call everyone I have ever met, right now.

Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist?

Senior boys are the only way to go. Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know? Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog? You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, hmm, they have mystery. They have... What's the word I'm searching for? Cars! I just am not the type to settle, y'know? It's like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it's expensive, but because it costs more.

Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf? But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking. And Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even remember that much, but I'm telling you, it was a freak show!

I have a dream. It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see! We have to achieve our dreams, Amy. Otherwise we wither and die.

If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so very beyond sorry! Have a nice day.

Ooo, these grapes are sour!

I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!

What a disgusting display. Is that really appropriate behavior in a public forum? I mean, I've never seen a girl throw herself at a guy like that. Uhhh! (The door of the Bronze opens and Angel comes in) Ooo! Hello, salty goodness! Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him.

Where did you get that dress? This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? (checks the label) This is a knockoff, isn't it?! Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements!

But the mood! It'll be all wrong! My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal... hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that Rock and Roll.

I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy. What if I mess up?

No! What are you doing! Hey, no! You don't understand! I don't wanna go! I'm not even on the chess team! I swear, I'm not!

I just love springtime. Me and bright spring fashions! Me at the end of school dance. My favorite time of year. I am, of course, having my dress specially made. Off the rack gives me hives.

My eyes are hazel, Helen Keller.

Well, how about color me totally self-involved? With Shylock it's whine, whine, whine, like the whole world is about him. He acts like it's justice, him getting a pound of Antonio's flesh. It's not justice, it's yicky.

That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

You should've seen him lying there. All black and blue? How's he gonna look in our Prom pictures? How am I ever gonna be able to show them to anyone? I just hope they can prop him up long enough to take the picture.

Thank you for making the right choice, and for showing me how much you all love me. Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility, and I want you to know I take it very seriously.

I knew you'd be here. Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers... Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down...

This is all about me! Me, me, me!

You're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Oh, God! Is she really wearing Laura Ashley?

Great! [beat] Bait?

Well, I have to try on my dress. And am I really bait?

So, how much the creepy is it that this Marcie's been at this for months? Spying on us? Learning our most guarded secrets? So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular?

Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.

Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?

Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

You were popular? In what alternate universe?

Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday with the coronation and everything... but, um, I guess I just wanted to say thank you, all of you. You really helped me out yesterday, and you didn't have to. So, thank you.

Mitch: Whoa, whoa. You're not hangin' with these losers, are you?

Uhhh! Are you kidding? Heh! (takes his arm and leaves) I was just being charitable. Helping them with their fashion problems. Heh. You think I really felt like joining that social leper colony? Puh-leeease!

Willow! I really like your outfit!

Willow: No, you don't.

No, I really don't, but I need a favor.

If you could just show up tomorrow morning, I'd be really, really grateful! I mean, I'd talk to you at the dance and everything.

Oh, Kevin said that he'd bring everything to the Bronze last night. He promised! We'll never get everything ready in time.

Willow: He probably forgot. It's not that big a deal.

Uh, you don't understand. I'm not mad! He totally flaked on me. On me! And I don't even care. God help me, I think it's cute! Oh...

Willow smiles. They reach the Audio-Visual room. They see Kevin and his friends through the windows.

There they are! They're watching cartoons. That's so cu... That's not cute. That's annoying. I'm annoyed.

Willow: Right. I'm furious.

Men. I don't know why we put up with them.

Willow: I hear ya.

Obviously, Kevin has underestimated the power of my icy stare.

Oh, that was me, saving the day.

It was a nightmare, a total nightmare. I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?

What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires.

Are you nuts? Do you think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy? And all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. So your secret's safe with me.

You're really campaigning for "Bitch of the-Year," aren't you?

Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?

I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor.

Buffy: And this great favor is...

I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it.

Buffy: Excuse me?

Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains.

I'm doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to.

Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please?

Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?

Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've cancelled.

It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?

I have to go home now. I have to take a bath and burn my clothes.

Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...

So, can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly. (Buffy looks up at her) We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax.

And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...

Willow: Ask for some aspirin.

And can you please send some asp... Hey!

100% Swedish, 100% gorgeous, 100% staying at my house!

You didn't look at him first? He could be dogly. You live on the edge.

Sven! Momento! Needa!

This whole student exchange thing has been a horrible nightmare. They don't even speak American.

I keep trying to ditch him. He's like one of those dogs that you leave at the Grand Canyon on vacation? It follows you back across four states. See? My own speechless, human boomerang.

Get punchy. You! Fruit drinky!

Dr. Debbie says when a man is speaking you make serious eye contact, and you really, really listen, and you laugh at everything he says.

You'll go to college someday, Xander. I just know your pizza delivery career will take you so many exciting places.

Buffy! Did you lose weight? And your hair... Alright, I respect you too much to be dishonest. The hair's a little... Well, that really isn't the point here, is it? The Zeta Kappas have to have a certain balance at their party, and Richard explained it all to me, but I was so busy really listening that I didn't hear much. Anyway, the deal is they need you to go. And if you don't go, I can't. And I'm talking about Richard Anderson, okay? As in Anderson Farms, Anderson Aeronautics and Anderson Cosmetics. Well, you see why I have to go. Buffy, these men are rich. And I am not being shallow. Think of all the poor people I could help with all my money!

Oh, Buffy, it's like we're sisters! With really different hair.

This isn't about fun. This is about duty—your duty to help me achieve permanent prosperity. Okay? Do's and dont's: don't wear black, silk, chiffon or spandex. These are my trademarks. And don't do that weird thing with your hair.

Buffy: What weird thing with my...

Don't interrupt. Do be interested if someone should speak to you. It may or may not happen, but do be polite. And laugh at the appropriate intervals. Do lie to your mom about where we're going. It's a fraternity, and there will be drinking.

You could belong to a fraternity of rich and powerful men. In the Bizarro world.

Makeup... makeup... Well, give it your all, and keep to the shadows. We're gonna have a blast!

You know what's so cool about college? The diversity. You've got all the rich people, and all the other people.

You did it! You saved us! I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole... You guys. I just... hate you guys! The weirdest things always happen when you're around! (to Tom) And you! You're going to jail for fifteen thousand years!

Young men are the only way to go.

Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin.

So I told Devon, 'You call that leather interior? My Barbie Dream Car had nicer seats!'

Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin.

You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?

Oz: Yeah, y'know, he's just going by 'Devon' now.

Well, you can tell him that I don't care, and that I didn't even mention it. And that I didn't even see you. So that's just fine.

Oz: So, what do I tell him?

Nothing! Jeez! Get with the program.

That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when?

I was just attacked by Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy. Look at my costume! Do you really think that Partytown's gonna give me my deposit back? Not on the likely.

They don't know who they are, everyone's turned into a monster, it's a whole big thing. (smiles) How are you?

Oh, faboo, more clinging.

I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed...

Xander: I think you mean 'oppressed'.

Whatever. They were cranky. So they're, like, 'Let's lose some heads'. Uhhh! That's fair. And, and Marie Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it? First I'm sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday, now I have to read some computer book... There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?

Can you help me with a ticket? It's totally bogus. It was a one-way street. I was going one way.

What?! Why does everyone always yell my name? I'm not deaf! And I can take a hint. (unsure) What's the hint?

This isn't right. School on a Saturday. It throws off my internal clock.

Super! I kicked a guy!

I'm gonna be in therapy till I'm thirty.

This is what happens when you have school on Saturday.

I've got the solution right here. 'To kill a demon cut off its head.'

Xander: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! We'll, uh, find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey! She'll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody'll notice?

Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain.

Xander: That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on!

I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you!

'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross.

Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.

Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice.

Oh, here I am. 'Personal shopper or motivational speaker.' Neato!

I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?

Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.

Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.

Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

Oh, right, 'cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends. And that my first husband will be a balding, demented homeless man.

Do you have anything in raisin? I know you wouldn't think so, but I'm both a winter and a summer.

I don't do worms.

Feels like home. If it's the fifties and you're a psycho.

Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend—not me—that was in a Miata at, parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and...

Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the Hoover technique is a big turn-on.

You wanna have a baby?

Well, his body could fall out of a closet somewhere. So we should check some closets to see if he's in a closet?

Hey, I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden these trendoids everywhere started sporting them. So I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, hey, I'm the one who started this nationwide craze! What am I ashamed of?

Shanisse! Is that your real hair?

'Capisce'? What are you, world traveler now?

Good. Well, I don't mean 'good' because I hit you, but I didn't wanna be left out.

Well, just because she's Miss Save-The-World and everything, you have to make a big deal? I have to cook! And everything.

Xander: You're cooking?

Well, I'm chips and dips girl.

Xander: (gasps) Horrors! All that opening and stirring.

And shopping and carrying.

Xander: Well, then you should have a person who does such things for you.

Well, that's what I've been saying to my father, but does he listen?

Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.

Well, of course you wanna tell everybody. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I, on the other hand, have everything to be ashamed of.

Surprise!